#big no to the idea of being pregnant irl but like please make me pregnant and KEEP me like that

[softhumpslut]

This is probably my nichest kink but like imagine being pregnant. Imagine getting pregnant. Being bred full of cum day in and day out till it takes and then some just for good measure. Imagine being kept pregnant. You're all plump and round and soft and your tits are full of milk and you're so dumb now but it's socially acceptable coz 'pregnancy brain lol'. And you're so consistently, so insatiably horny. And sensitive. You can have a train run on your pussy, ass and mouth and that clit is still tingling.

Imagine in a fantasy world being cursed with perpetual pregnancy. You're so soft and sensitive and pliant and just easy pickings. Just being taken care of and fucked all day every day. Tits full of milk hanging low, sometimes milked like a cow in heat, sometimes in public as a show people pay to watch. Sometimes having those big soft milky tits tied up so you can't even leak and just get fuller and bigger till it hurts and you have to beg to be milked like a cow. Dumb as one too. Pussy constantly drip drip dripping. The perfect toy.

[pregnantinplaid]

alright let's try this again

welcome back!! new blog!!

Yay~~~.....

I'll set up some rules in order to make a good experience for both you and me 🙂

1. This is an NSFW blog, meaning anyone under 18+ needs to get out

2. don't send me pics of you trying to get my attention, I'll ask you to not do that and if you do it again.... well, sorry but I'm not replying anymore.

3. No Dick pics! That should be self explanatory... dick= block

4. I'm a human being too and I got a life outside tumblr, if I don't reply right away is because I'm either at work or I'm doing something else, don't think I'm ignoring you unless you broke rule no. 2

5. I'm only putting this one because it has already happened and I can't believe I'm saying this but... don't ask me to describe my pussy, seriously man.... that's creepy.

6. No I don't wanna meet irl

7. Please respect my gender, I know I may be a “futa” to some but talking about my genitals is just not appropriate. Specially without consent. A lot of us struggle with dysmorphia and we don’t like talking about it. So just keep it on the low

8. Any images and pics I post here are watermarked, I do not wanna see them used by a fake account. I will ask you to remove them if I do find out.

I wanna have fun too and I wanna be able to enjoy this as the pervert that I am 😁 I also wanna interact with all of you! I love replying to dms and asks! That's one of my favorite past times so please let's be fair and let's have some fun!!

Kink list

-pregnancy {obv}

- multiples

-breeding

-rapid pregnancy

-alien pregnancy

-cuminflation

-belly inflation

-noise play (as in not allowed to moan during sex)

-burping

-weight gain

-force feeding

-bdsm kinks such as spanking (yeah i’m not ashamed) bondage, CNC, orgasm denial, begging, degradation, being used, dominated.

-teasing

here is a list of stuff i’m not really into but don’t mind them:

-birth

-bursting

-water inflation

-animal breeding

-anal

here is a list of hard no’s

-underage

-cutting

-hot wax

-anything that would scar me

I might expand the list as time goes on but there it is!

FAQ:

-what's your ideal pregnancy size: triplets

-are you a feedee?: no

-do you want to...: no I don't want to be one

-sure?: yes

-are you pregnant?: I wish

-will there be a universe in the existential plane where humans are not the dominant species in our earth?: possibly

-you like marvel?: yes

-which movie?: yes

-you like sex?: yes

-how many times a week?: yes

-How big you wanna be?: yes

-how did you get into pregnancy?: I've always been into it as far as I can remember. It flourished in my teenage years when I finally realized seeing women in big bellies turned me on and wished to be like them. I fell in love with the idea of being pregnant and carrying around a pregnant belly with a baby inside.

-Are you pregnant?: no

-Is it pretend?: yes

-you sure you're not pregnant: I'm pretty sure

-do you wanna be?: I'll let you figure that out

-are you suuuuuure?: yes

-that belly looks real: it's fake!

-what are your kinks?: check my kink list

-How old are you?: check bio

-do you love me: I like you as a fan

-can I be your boyfriend/ girlfriend?: no sorry, I'm taken

-can I still be?: no

-please?: NO

[ameliora-j]

what a lie // ts x reader

words: 1.5k

warnings: angst, smut, mcd, blood, mention of injury, nipple play, pull out method (pls don’t use this irl), pregnancy mention

a/n: this is only half proofread but as always, lmk if i missed any warnings pls. italics is a flashback :)

“you’ll be okay, little dove,” thor whispered as he set a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“we’ll all be okay, y/n,” steve added, accompanied by a hiccup and a small sniffle from his spot next to you. you could no longer contain the loud sob that raked your body as you set down the flower reef that held your fiance’s arc reactor in the center and read: proof that tony stark has a heart.

the blonde super soldier pulled you into his chest and allowed you to harshly sob into his suit coat. tony was your forever. and he just got ripped away from you.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

you walked into the grandiose building called “stark industries” one--very sunny--monday morning. you went to the desk and were greeted with a very pretty blonde woman. “can i help you?” she asked you.

“yeah i um... have a meeting with tony stark. he... he told me to come and meet him here,” you stuttered shyly. 

“ah, you must be y/n,” you nodded and she offered you a smile, leading you into tony’s office. that day, he hired you as his personal assistant. however, at the time, you had no idea what was to come of that one fateful day.

in the coming weeks as tony’s assistant, you picked up his coffee, and scheduled his press conferences, and answered e-mails, and scheduled his meetings, and answered the phone. in that time, you had also become closer to the man you called your boss. you might even go as far as to call the two of you friends.

tony was really funny. whether it was intentionally or not. he told a lot of jokes, and he was nothing like the media painted him out to be. he was nice and caring. he was also very attentive. he stopped turning the ac so high when he noticed that you would always bring a jacket into the office, and he kept little candies laying around for your sweet tooth, and he always had your favorite pack of pens delivered weekly because you were always losing your’s and stealing his. he even let you sign all of his important documents with your pretty, purple glittery pens because he knew you liked them the best. 

not to mention, tony bought you a whole set of y/f/c office supplies for your desk after you called his decoration “bland and boring.” everyday working for mr. stark was a brand new adventure and you absolutely couldn’t wait to see what the future held for you at stark industries.

you learned a lot about tony while you were working. you were the first person that he revealed his identity as iron man to. you, of course, freaked out, lecturing him on safety and being careful while fighting literal aliens, all while he chuckles and assured you that he was fine. one night--or early morning is a better term for it--there was a knock on your window. when you checked your bedside clock, the numbers “2:23″ flashed across it in bright red. when you looked over to the window, you noticed tony in the iron man suit, floating outside of your window.

“what the hell stark?! it’s half past two in the morning!” you complained as you opened the window and allowed him in. he grumbled loudly as he took off the suit and stumbled his way into your bathroom. he ignored you as you flung a million and two questions in his direction. untill finally, you noticed the blood running down the left side of his face. “what the hell!” you exclaimed before leading him to sit down on your toilet seat. you took the small first aid kit from underneath your bathroom sink and began to clean him up while simultaneously muttering what an idiot he was and how he could have been killed.

once you were all finished, you looked down at him. you had seen tony monday through friday for ten hours a day and sometimes on weekends if he had a press conference on a saturday or needed you to come in quickly and do something on a sunday, but this was the first time that you had truly noticed him. cuts and scrapes and bruises over his face, his hair sweaty and some falling into his eyes. those eyes... pretty, brown, and tired. the way that his facial hair had begun to grow on his jaw as a result of not shaving that morning. tony stark was gorgeous... ethereal even. you knew your boss was an attractive man, the media said it every day. hell, your boss said it himself every day. but now, actually looking at him, you saw it. you truly saw it, anthony howard stark was quite possibly the prettiest man you had ever laid your eyes upon. 

you and tony sat in silence. it was in that silence that you realized your current position. the only thing donning your body was a very short pair of black sleep shorts that really didn’t cover much and a black tank top with no bra. you were standing above tony, straddling his left thigh and your faces were mere centimeters apart. the silence was long and loud as you stared, unblinking, into each other’s eyes. it was a hairs breath of a second when tony’s eyes flicked from your’s to your lips, and then back up before he was hungrily pressing his lips to your’s.

the kiss was nothing but the clashing of teeth and tongues. it had you moaning into his mouth as he stood and quickly pushed you against your bathroom counter. he wasted no time as he quickly rid the both of you of your clothes. “you have protection?” he asked from his place, sucking dark hickies into every inch of your neck.

“just pull out, please i want it,” you whimpered as you tugged on his chocolate locks. your whimpers and begs were all the encouragement the man needed as he pushed his cock into you, making you release a loud moan.

the way tony fucked you was a stark (no pun intended) contrast to the way he kissed you. his thrusts were slow and deliberate, hitting spots you never even knew existed, while his kisses were rough and hungry. “feel so good wrapped around me, princess. fuck,” tony moaned into your mouth.

“fuck, tony please. more. give me more,” you whined, causing him to chuckle as his lips traveled down, sucking your nipple into his mouth as his hand came up and twisted and tugged the other one. “feels so good. ‘s so big,” you whimpered as he fucked his cock into you even harder. he moaned at your praise as his teeth scraped across your sensitive nipple before he pulled off of it with a small ‘pop’ and began giving the same attention to the other one.

“always knew your little pussy was made for my cock, princess. knew it from the day you stepped into my office. looking all innocent, just begging me to bend you over my desk and make you mine,” you moaned loudly at this, causing him to smirk. “that what you want? come on, use your words, princess.”

“wanna be your’s. make me your’s tony please. want you to corrupt me. ruin me for anyone else’s cock.” you whined out pathetically as the head of his cock abused your gspot.

“who’s pussy is this?” he asked as he began to rub harsh circles onto your swollen clit.

“your’s. your’s ‘s your’s please let me cum,” you whimpered as you arched into him. 

“cum on my cock princess, go ahead,” that’s all it took for you to cum with a loud shriek of his name. he continued his assault on your clit to fuck you through your orgasm as he pulled out and used his free hand to stroke his cock untill he came with a groan of your name, all over your stomach.

that night, after tony took care of you and made sure you peed and were cleaned up, as he pulled you into his chest, you whispered, “can i really be your’s?” 

“you can be mine forever if you want princess.” you fell asleep with a wide smile on your face.

⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊⎊

you stayed at the lake after all the avengers had left. you sat against the tree with your left hand on your stomach, staring down at the large ring that tony presented you with just days before going to fight on titan. the one that was supposed to symbolize forever. the one that made tony stark your official future husband. 

“i’m pregnant tony...” you whispered as the tears collected on your waterline. “you promised forever. you promised that everything was going to be okay five years ago,” you took a deep breath as you rubbed the small, three month bump that was forming. “what a lie that was.”

how the hell were you going to raise a baby by yourself. how were you supposed to go on without your other half? how were you supposed to heal your heart? your baby would never know how amazing their father was. and your husband would never know how amazing his baby was. it still didn’t feel real. it never would feel real.

but you would figure it out. after all... you were a stark now. and stark’s are nothing if not strong-willed.

[fific7]

Dangerous and Divine - Part 10

Billy Russo x Reader

Summary: Billy Russo is an itch you don’t want to scratch. But he’s all over you like a rash.

A/N: This does not follow canon, it’s mainly fluff & lemon zest 🍋 In case you hadn’t guessed, this is my ‘Real Love for Russo’ AU. The GIF is from Exposed, unreleased pilot show in case you’re wondering 😌... Billy vibes.

Warnings: 18+ NSFW due to sexual content including oral and unprotected* sex between consenting adults. A little voyeurism. Some drinking & swearing.

*Irl, please don’t go wild in the country without protection.

(My GIF)

His eyes looked huge as he gazed at you, “I, uh... think I’ve fallen in love with you.” He stroked your cheek, “And it scares the shit out of me.”

You realised you must look like a fish, your mouth had dropped open in a big O. No sound came out of it though, as your brain had frozen solid when you’d heard Billy’s words.

He looked at you, worried frown on his face, “I know! I know what you’re gonna say. It’s too fast. I think it’s too fast too! - but I can’t help how I feel. It’s like I’ve run into a wall or something. Can’t stop thinkin’ about you. Wanna be with you all the time. Wanna make love to you all the time.”

You scratched the bristly hairs under his chin, running your fingers through them and into those on his neck. Still trying to think of what to say.

“Uh, I...” you stuttered, thinking ‘good start, “...Billy, I really like you. I’m enjoying being with you, and I’ve definitely got feelings for you. Already. And it scares the living shit out of me too. Not sure exactly what they are just yet,” you smiled at him, and were relieved to see him smile back. “But, yeah, I think I’ll hang around so I can find out. If that’s OK with you.”

He was still smiling, and leaned over to kiss you softly. “That’s more than OK with me. We can both be scared together.” Your arms went round his neck, your lips dotting little kisses onto his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his lips. “Yeah - let’s do that.” His eyes were still closed and a happy little smile had appeared on his face.

Oh, and Billy?” Dark eyes opened slowly and looked at you, “You know how we didn’t use a condom?” A tiny little frown on his brow, “Yeah?” “There won’t be any mini-Russo’s running around, don’t worry. I’m on birth control.” He chuckled, “Okay, I suppose that’s good to know. Wouldn’t have been a problem if it did happen, though.” You burst out laughing, “Really? Not a problem for you, so you say, but have you thought about how it might’ve been a problem for me?”

He sat up a bit, “Well... no I guess I didn’t. Would it be that much of bad thing?” You lay down and stared up at the ceiling. After a moment or two of silence, you hummed and said, “Well, having kids is not in my immediate life plan, but I’m not ruling it out.” Billy perched his chin on your shoulder, and you turned your head to meet those deep dark eyes again. He grinned, “Okay, I hear you. Guess it’s not in my plans right now either. But I have to say, we’d make beautiful babies.”

You smiled, “Maybe... but you still aren’t getting me pregnant and locking me in the kitchen!”

Billy had just laughed, giving you more of the puppydog eyes.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

After Billy had finally enjoyed a very pleasurable joint shower the next morning - he’d been fantasising about that ever since that time she’d locked him out of her bathroom - he’d dropped her at the Chelsea café before heading out to Anvil. He had a huge smile on his face as he thought back to the two of you playing around under the warm water of her rainfall shower, having immense fun and indulging each other with erotic pleasures.

But then his smile faded a little bit. His mind had moved on and was now playing over their conversation from the previous evening. Should he have told her how he felt? Not that he’d meant to, to be honest, but his sex-drowsy brain and loved-up mindset had let his mouth just blurt it out. It wasn’t like he was lying or anything, he’d just not planned for it to happen that way or at that particular time. She hadn’t said she was in love with him, but he was very pleased that she’d actually admitted she had feelings for him, which was good enough for him for the time being.

He was making his second cup of coffee by the time Frank arrived, so made him one too. The two buddies lounged back in their chairs, sipping at their caffeine hits, and Billy started catching Frank up with the dramas of the previous day, who listened with an increasingly amazed look on his face.

When Billy got to the bit about Madani’s visit to Anvil and what she’d done as soon as she arrived, Frank swore out loud and said angrily that he shouldn’t leave it like that, he should report her. Billy sighed, “Now’s not the time, Frankie. My girl’s got the right idea, she wants to wait till the case is done and then we’ll see. Madani’s crazy mad enough right now without us stirrin’ up more trouble for her.”

Frank grumbled, “Even more unhappy havin’ to work with her now. She’s a loose cannon.”

Billy shrugged, “You know we don’t have a choice, Frankie. And it was my dumb idea to lead her on in the first place.” He looked over at him, “This hotel meet tomorrow should bring this whole fuckin’ thing to a close.”

Their case was coming to a head. There had been shady goings-on back in Afghanistan when the two friends had been in the Marines, involving black ops and drug-smuggling which had led to Madani’s then-partner getting killed, and Billy getting his Anvil funding from CIA bad guy Rawlins. He was dead now too. And Madani was determined to get his remaining accomplices, one way or another. Homeland was using an undercover agent to lure them into a trap with the promise of selling them video and phone tap evidence, and Homeland had agreed to work jointly with Anvil on it.

Frank and Billy had insider knowledge which was crucial to keeping the undercover agent safe from discovery. They were originally arrested after the gun battle which ended Rawlins’ life because Anvil had muscled in on the confrontation between him and Homeland, and Frank had killed Rawlins in the course of it. Once the remaining two accomplices were under arrest - tomorrow hopefully - Homeland had promised Billy and Frank that all pending charges against them would be dropped.

Frank frowned, looking like a huge irate teddy bear, “It better,” he said darkly.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

You were immersed in paperwork, but your mind kept wandering. It was a busy little bee. All the stuff that had happened yesterday... it was a lot to take in. Madani’s two visits to you, her full-on assault of Billy, and then... Billy and what he’d said. Yeah, those three little words.

You could tell by his eyes when he’d said it that he’d surprised himself. At least he was as scared as you were. Did you love him? Really not sure. You definitely had feelings for him, that was for damn sure. When Madani had told you she was seeing Billy, you could have cheerfully murdered her. And again, when Billy told you what she’d done to him.

He’d told you this morning that in all honesty, if you hadn’t been in his life, his prior persona would have just let her carry on with it. You’d appreciated that he was being completely truthful with you, about that and also about stopping her in her tracks. He’d actually seemed quite shocked about how she’d behaved. And really not looking forward to seeing her again.

But he’d also told you that the case should be coming to a close tomorrow, and he couldn’t wait for it to be done and dusted. He also said he had a surprise for you which he’d tell you about tonight.

A smile crept onto your lips as you thought about seeing him that night. He was going to pick you up at your place and then head over to his, as he was cooking you dinner this time.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy was flitting around his kitchen area, tea towel over his shoulder, wooden spoon in hand, picking up and moving pots and pans around his cooker, and basically just being a domestic god.

You were sipping wine, sitting at his kitchen table and watching this vision unfold in front of you, as you’d been told that you weren’t allowed to help. He looked edible, never mind the food - which smelt delicious. Billy was making pasta with meatballs in a tomato sauce, joking that it wasn’t quite as fancy as the lunch you’d made for him. And he’d also sliced fresh crusty bread with some olive oil and balsamic vinegar alongside for dipping.

“How’d it go with Mizzzz Madani today?” you asked, drawing out the “Ms” mockingly, dying to know what had happened. You could hear his sigh from where you were sitting. He looked over his shoulder at you, running a hand through his hair and frowning as he did, “Uhhhh... how can I put it? Really. Fuckin’. Awkward.”

He turned back to the food steaming away on the cooker top, continuing, “She just literally glared at me for the whole briefing. Like if she’d had knives with her, they’d all be stuck in me right now. Didn’t speak a word to me the whole time.”

“You know, Billy - that really fuckin’ annoys me! She’s the one who created the whole situation.”

Again a sigh, “Well, like I said to Frankie before the meeting, it was my dumb ass that thought leadin’ her on was a good way of getting her to keep us in the loop.”

“Yeah, you’re right but listen, she escalated this beyond reason when she stalked me and jumped you! You know what, Billy, once this is done and you and Frank are free and clear, I’m going after her ass.”

Billy started dishing up, chuckling as he did so, “That’s my girl!” “Billy, I reckon she thought I’d crumble when she marched into my café with her power dressing and big shiny badge. She picked the wrong person to piss off!” Strolling across to the table, Billy put the two plates of food down along with the cutlery, leant in and kissed you long and slow. “Mmmm,” he grinned, “yeah, she really did!”

His eyes softened, and he whispered, “I love you.” “Oh Billy,” you whispered back, and kissed him. Then you drew back, looking down at your dinner, “This looks and smells amazing!” “Stop changing the subject,” he grinned, sitting down and starting to eat. “Now that I told you, I’m just gonna keep saying it to you, and one time you might say it back to me!” You stroked his jaw, dragging your fingers through his beard, “You big sap.” He nodded, “Uhuh.”

“Now, tomorrow...” he continued, “...we’re finishing this thing. Can’t tell you details, but we’re gonna be based in one of the big hotels downtown. I’ve booked a room. Can you bunk off work to spend some time with your boyfriend? Sexy times in a fancy hotel room before he goes on his mission... and afterwards?”

You smirked, “Might do. If he makes it worth my while.” Bigger smirk from him, “He will, you can bank on it.”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy had dropped you home after dinner; he had to head back to Anvil as he, Frank and their team needed to get prepped for the next day. You felt quite giddy when you realised he’d taken time out just to make you dinner. Maybe you did love this guy!

You texted Jake & Jen to say you’d decided to take the next day off, but they could of course get in touch with you if need be.

Jake: No problem, have a great day off 😌

Jen: Lucky you!!!! 😉🥵

You laughed at Jen’s reply, cheeky woman! She’d guessed exactly what you’d be up to on your day off.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Packing an overnight bag after you’d showered and dressed very early the next morning, you made sure to include some pretty lingerie. Billy was in for a treat.

Speak of the devil. Your phone chimed with a new text.

Your Boyfriend: I’m outside your place, my angel 😘

You: Do you have to be on time, all the time? 🙄😌

Your Boyfriend: Ex-Marine, darling 🥷😉😘

You: OK big boy, I’ll be down in 5 😘

Your Boyfriend: 🍒🍆😈

Twenty minutes later, you were driven into the hotel’s underground carpark in Billy’s SUV (no Wraith today!) and he asked you to wait in the car until he came back for you. Once he returned with the keycard, he took you up to the lifts via the fire exit stairs, so you wouldn’t have to walk through the lobby. Very cloak and dagger, you thought.

The hotel room was very fancy indeed, all boutique hotel chic. You’d just put your large tote bag down beside the bed, when two arms grabbed you, spun you round and threw you onto the bed. Billy nuzzled into your neck, making low growling sounds. His hands got busy unfastening your shirt, so you started on his, both of you kissing each other’s skin wherever you could reach it.

Billy groaned, “Angel... sorry, this is gonna have to be a really quick thing, m’nearly due to get kitted up for this fuckin’ op.” “That’s okay,” you gasped, “just get your clothes off, Russo.” He grinned, sitting up on his knees and stripping off his shirt, followed by his boots, jeans and CK boxer briefs. You were just lying there, eyes drinking in that fine body of his, until he took hold of his erection and gave himself a few strokes, stiffening even more. That snapped you out of your trance, and you sat up and stripped off your clothes quick as a flash.

You and Billy then kind of leapt on each other at the same time, and you found yourself tumbling backwards again onto the huge bed with Billy on top of you. He slid two fingers gently inside you before finding your clit and rubbing at it hard with his thumb. He was kissing your neck and then your breasts, licking your nipples roughly, making you give little squeals.

His fingers left you, and you felt him move his hard cock between your legs with his hand. He pushed inside with one big thrust and you gave a big, deep sigh at how good he felt inside you. Hearing Billy sigh out your name as he buried himself in you, you thought you also heard a click. Billy was kissing you hungrily and had started thrusting into you at a pretty fast pace. All thoughts of anything else went out of your head.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Dinah Madani had calmed down quite a lot over the last 24 hours.

She’d drunk herself into oblivion when she’d got home after leaving Anvil, and had to sit through that excruciating briefing with Russo and Castle the next day nursing a raging hangover. Did she regret what she’d done? Any of it? No, she didn’t.

To put it mildly, she wanted Billy Russo, and had thought she was going to get him. While she knew that she’d lost her head over him, that she’d looked so desperate when she’d jumped him in his office, she really didn’t give a shit. Madani had decided to take a shot at getting him back, and she’d taken it.

It hadn’t worked. That had really surprised as well as humiliated her. What did that bitch have that she didn’t? Anyhow, yeah - he’d kicked her to the curb, so she was just going to have to take it on the chin and move on. Not that she was happy about it, and easier said than done.

She’d decided to hunt Russo down in his room and go over some last-minute details with him. And if she was honest, maybe see if being in a hotel bedroom with him changed the dynamic any. The hotel manager had given her a master keycard as she was Agent-in-Charge of this undercover op. She was going to go in unannounced she decided, well she was the boss on this op after all. Maybe Russo would be in the shower, she mused to herself, with a pleasurable thrill.

As she opened the door and walked in, about to call out his name, what she saw did not please her in the slightest. Billy Russo’s naked tight ass thrusting up and down, him sighing and groaning out loud, lying in between a pair of legs, and she could just guess who they belonged to.

Wanting to turn round and get the hell out of there, Madani found herself rooted to the spot. It was like car crash TV... she just couldn’t bring herself to look away. So, she stood there and just watched.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

@blackbirddaredevil23 @galaxyjane @omgrachwrites

[rainbowsky]

More on the Fan Fic issue

I have a few more asks about the issue raised the other day, some of which are long and go into detail on the 'wars' that have been happening on Twitter and AO3.

Sorry for grouping these but I wanted to put it all under a cut because these are long, and also in case people don't want to dig into these issues (which would be understandable).

Anonymous 1 asked:

"I am very strongly of the opinion that the BJYX term is still a fandom umbrella term" I agree. Mainly because Bjyx is the most popular. Many antis always say bjyx, and have no idea the others. So sometimes it's easier just to say bjyx instead of explaining all three. I myself more like "who cares as long as they happy." So I enjoy Yizhan in all contexts. Many bxgs I know also like that, mostly ibxgs. I think deep down all bxgs (no matter which position they prefer) just want Yizhan to be happy

Not sure we can be so certain about that last part, Anon (I think for a lot of people GG and DD are just characters in a smutty story they have in their heads), but I agree about the term being popular regardless of the type of fans people are.

From what I can see the BJYX term seems to be used 80-90% umbrella, 10-20% dynamic in both international and c-social media (for every 10 times you see the term used, only one or two of those usages - probably less - are referring to a dynamic). This is my totally unscientific estimation, but I think even 10-20% dynamic is being generous. The number of people who are fixated on a sexual dynamic aren't nearly as large as they'd like to believe.

Anonymous 2 asked:

about the promptfests - i’ve been on twitter since early 2020 and what i’ve noticed is that this influx bjyx-only promptfests started gaining speed once lots of rational voices started leaving the fandom recently either because a) new interests have caught their attention or b) the toxicity of the popular bxg circles on twitter have become too much to handle.

gdgdbaby was usually the organizer of dynamic-inclusive events, and she’s received lots, and lots, and lots of backlash by bxg, sometimes even by accounts with thousands followers, for using bjyx as a catch-all term. and as her interest in yizhan has since waned—hopefully for reasons unrelated to fandom toxicity—many of the people who were attracted to the welcoming environment she created distanced themselves as well.

zsww/lsfy fans have become an outnumbered circle who try their best to create exclusive events to avoid the “is bjyx a catch-all term” discourse, but never seem to gain as much traction as gdgdbaby (who has a sizeable following) or those who host bjyx-only events (who also have sizeable followings).

meanwhile the dynamic war has only become more and more hostile and bjyx is clearly the more populated group… ao3 is simply a battlegrounds, if i may dramatize the situation a little for the sake of humor, and the promptfests are a reaction to this irritating t/b discourse that has made bxg twitter completely inhospitable for me…and lots of other fans too.

(i’ve also noticed a huge reinforcement as of recently where ppl will call gg laopo, a milf, an omega, etc even outside of rpf (i.e. posting pictures of him at events and saying he looks pregnant or he’s going into heat) and it’s just… uncomfortable.)

(also please note i have a biased account of all of this drama bc many of my friends were harassed over it, and anyone who disagrees with my take may feel free to interject.)

I took the liberty of adding paragraph breaks because they are pretty important for some readers, particularly ND readers like me.

It's sad to hear how fucked up everything has become, but I'm not even remotely surprised. Toxicity leads to toxicity, and the whole idea of dividing up a RP fandom by sex position was misguided from the outset - no matter why it was done or how good the intentions might have been.

And yes, like I said, these people aren't just framing things this way for fan fic. This is how they talk about IRL GGDD.

I had written a lengthy essay here about homophobia in the fandom but deleted it all. Perhaps I'll post it separately at some later point. Suffice it to say that this stuff creates a climate that's often hostile for queer people. So much of it is deeply homophobic, whether people are aware of it or not.

It's really sad to hear about gdgdbaby being mistreated in any way. Anyone who steps up and sticks their neck out to help organize and coordinate activities that benefit a broader group of people should be celebrated and supported, not run out of town by an angry mob.

I've read some of her stories and even have one or two on my rec list. And here's someone who is not only writing good works, but also supporting others to write more good works. Such a shame.

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello Mr. RBS! I think I can chime in a bit about the fanfic topic as I’ve watched this all unravel on twitter (where a majority of authors/readers are). I apologize if this gets long but it’s been something that’s also been on my mind.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a fan of the distinctions of dynamics as, like you said, the supposed line between real life and fanfic is long gone, so I’m not trying to be biased against one group over another.

Short answer to the question of, “is this retaliation?” : I do believe it is. (From here onwards I’ll be using bjyx as the dynamic term just for the ease of simplicity.) To understand why, I’ll have to explain with a bit of background info. On twitter, I’d say that there’s a quite large divide between bjyx and zsww/lsfy. That itself isn’t really a problem because people are free to like what they like and associate with whoever.

However there is a big problem where bjyx people are not just bjyx but also anti-zsww/lsfy. To the point where I’ve seen people say that they feel physically ill when they accidentally read zsww. I don’t think this type of behavior should exist in any dynamic bc in the end GGDD are real people with a real relationship behind this content and it’s just a gross fetishization at that point.

With all this happening, zsww/lsfy people have gotten more outspoken on how GG is often portrayed in those types of scenarios, mainly the over-feminization of him, bc it’s not just done in the context of fanfic but regular discussion of GGDD at this point. This tension between the dynamics kind of boiled over when the pregnant xz fest was announced, as you can take a guess at how that went over with zsww/lsfy people. lol.

But around that same time, another zsww/lsfy event was announced (I’m not sure if it’s the one anon was talking about) but the creator of the event suddenly got a ton of backlash for excluding bjyx, with the reasoning that bjyx is technically a part of lsfy. But the event was done to highlight zsww/lsfy (as all specific events are) bc the community and content for these dynamics are much less than bjyx.

Which is how we come back to the starting point of, is all this recent bjyx stuff retaliatory. I believe so bc the events (preg fest, dark event) are very specific prompts that target exactly what zsww/lsfy people have been outspoken against.

As to the point anon made about trying to drown out the tags, keep in mind that zsww/lsfy content is very minimal compared to bjyx and has only just recently started to gain more traction. I think most people would love to just peacefully exist in their own circles but I don’t see this problem between dynamics disappearing anytime soon.

Like I said with the above Anon, I've added paragraph breaks for ND readers.

What a mess.

I have absolutely nothing useful to say here about the fandom on AO3 and how it's managed by community members, but I do think it's unfortunate that people choose to be war-like rather than make space for diverse voices, and I think it's a real shame that some people have been essentially run out of the fandom because of this garbage.

Thanks for giving some context for how/why the major shift in tone of fan fic lately. I had no idea any of this was going on.

I urge people to work hard to give space for all voices and perspectives, and not just the ones they favor. I'd also urge people to reflect on how their thoughts, behavior and actions in the fandom might affect queer people in the fandom.

As always, we have no control over what other people do, say or think. All we have any control over is how we respond to what other people do, say or think. Hopefully we'll chose the path of peace and try to avoid fan wars or fights that only ruin the experience for everyone.

I guess one thing I'd ask any of the Anons who have written me about this issue - or anyone who has thoughts about it - is, what can we as readers/fans who care about diversity of voices and perspectives do to support that here and on AO3, without getting involved in any kind of war?

[moonlightchn]

𝖂𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖜𝖔𝖑𝖛𝖊𝖘, 𝖜𝖔𝖑𝖛𝖊𝖘

and basic shit you should know before interacting I guess~

*Disclaimer: all the information this post contains will be based on things I’ve learned over the years and my personal modifications are NOT to be taken as the general rule. This is MY abo concept for this bot in particular. Yall are free to agree, disagree, take ideas, adapt to your own bot, etcetcetc. Bye. Also sorry this doesn't have a read more;;;; I tried :(

Hello, this is (not) JYPe,

and welcome to the first episode of “Admin’s abo concept isn’t probably what you think so we gonna go in dept on this shit hehe ”. This was originally going to be a one part documentary but I realized I would probably keep coming up with or remembering stuff and these would be so LOOONG so I decided to just do it as I go and I’ll use the hashtag “admins abo tmi ” for this yeah. But also remember you can ask questions if you have any or if you don’t understand something because I usually ramble a lot.

Today we’ll be talking about 3 things that seem to be the most important since they’re the most brought up on my RP’s and they are:

Turning/Transforming.

Heat vs Rut.

Mates.

So let’s begin!

🌙 𝕿𝖚𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌/𝕿𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖘𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌…

There’s two meanings to this concept, one is the concept of turning from human form to wolf form, and the other one is being transformed into a wolf by different means (these usually depends on which story you’ve heard, it can be being the 7th boy child in a family, it can be a bite or a scratch, it can be eating raw meat, etcetcetc).

*This change has now also been added to the Chan’s pack introduction.

What are the definitions of this words? Cambridge Dictionary defines them as:

Turn: to (cause to) become, change into, or come to be something.

Example: “Chan turned into his wolf form”

Explanation: Chan, already a werewolf, turned and changed into his wolf form.

Transform: to change completely the appearance or character of something or someone, especially so that that thing or person is improved.

Example: “Changbin was transformed into a werewolf.”

Explanation: Changbin, a regular human, was transformed /by a wolf/ into a werewolf.

𝕿𝖚𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌…

In the classic folklore, turning consists of 2 phases, human with NO wolf characteristics whatsoever, (which is what makes it so hard finding out who the werewolf in town is) and fluffy wolf with some human like characteristics (being biped, having arms instead of four legs, body structure humanlike. The best examples I can think of are the underworld lycans mmm tasteful). Another general rule for classic werewolves was that the person and wolf were two different minds, the person never remembered turning and had no idea they were the werewolf terrorizing town. While being human, the person didn’t even have the wolf skills like hearing or strength. They were just regular boring humans. Another thing was that they had no control whatsoever and ONLY turned during full moon, but I’m not getting into that yet.

Here are some examples (it’s basically furries oop).

Moving on to my concept, I decided to have 3 phases of turning, consisting on:

Human: Basic, simple, boring human. No presence of wolf features whatsoever. YET they can still make use of their skills such as sensitive hearing, smell, extra strength among others.

Half-turn: Heavily inspired by Teen Wolf tbh, SOME features are present and can generally be controlled, such as eyes, ears, tail, fangs, claws. Can even be confused for hybrids. (sumn like this please appreciate my art)

Full-turn: they become big scary fluffy puppies. Let’s remember how they look like.

Channie Chan Chris

𝕿𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖘𝖋𝖔𝖗𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌…

As mentioned before, transforming depends on which story you know and what you’re settling for. Generally we always talk about bites and deep scratches. Some of the most known stories about how to become a werewolf are being the 7th boy child born in a family on a full moon, or in Greek mythology, Zeus transformed some dudes into wolves after they tried to feed him human meat. There’s many different stories you can pick from, they’re just one Google away~

On my concept, though, the only way to transform is through a bite, even though I always keep options open.

I will probably be talking about the 3 types of wolves and deepening this a bit more later on.

🌙 𝕳𝖊𝖆𝖙 𝖛𝖘 𝕽𝖚𝖙.

Imma give you a wolf biology class because I know too much useless info and I WANT TO.

Rut: The rut is the mating season of certain mammals. The rut is characterized in males by an increase in testosterone, exaggerated sexual dimorphisms and increased aggression and interest in females.

Heat: The estrous cycle or oestrous cycle is the set of recurring physiological changes that are induced by reproductive hormones in most mammalian therian females. Estrous cycles start after sexual maturity in females and are interrupted by anestrous phases or by pregnancies. This cycle presents four phases, the one known as “heat” being the second one, estrus or oestrus, that refers to the phase when the female is sexually receptive.

What are seasonal breeders and what is mating season?

The breeding season is when seasonal breeders reproduce. Seasonal breeders are animal species that successfully mate only during certain times of the year. These times of year allow for the optimization of survival of young due to factors such as ambient temperature, food and water availability etcetc. Male seasonal breeders may exhibit changes in testosterone levels, weight, and fertility depending on the time of year. Female seasonal breeders will have one or more estrus cycles only when she is “in season” or fertile and receptive to mating.

Wolves fall in all of these descriptions.

What does all of this shit mean and why do I care lmao?

This means that if this was a logical bot I should only be doing NSFW like one week during 4 months a year LMAO no frfr

This basically means that RUT and HEAT are the seasons when the MALE and FEMALE respectively are ready to mate with each other to reproduce.

I’ve seen many male idol hybrids having heats instead of ruts, which I have no problem at all with and am sure no one else does really, but I think you should KNOW that a heat would not make them want to fuck, but get fucked. Heat would be the need to be filled and not fill others. A heat and a rut does NOT have to equal dominance or submissiveness in bots, anyway, that would be like saying being top or bottom determines who is dom/sub and that’s wrong, so just a PSA I guess.

Now, how does this affect my CB and ABO concept?

I’ve never, anyway, read anywhere of classic werewolves reproduction, which leads me to believe that they’re probably sterile. So I will stick to real life wolves rules but on my own way. Wolves are even monogamous and I dont go by that one lmao.

Reproduction rules on my ABO are really simple, ruts are once a month, around 5 days, and each of the guys have different characteristics for them. They’re only capable of getting someone pregnant during ruts, too. I just generally believe all girls are on the pill tbh and I never really use condoms but guys irl please practice safe sex wrap your or your partners willy before going freaky and stay safe.

Not sure if there’s something else to mention here? Let me know.

🌙 𝕸𝖆𝖙𝖊𝖘…

Mates are the wolf equivalent of soulmates, but that’s bullshit. I mean, I’m not gonna say they’re not real, I just mean that the general idea of only one person for the rest of your life and if it’s not them you’re miserable is dumb when we’re talking about beings with feelings. Did you know wolves irl are monogamous and mate but if their mate dies they just look for another one and move on? Now you know.

The thing with mates and marks, in my humble opinion, is that they don’t mean anything. Peoples hearts change, feelings come and go, and my wolves are NOT about to drop everything they have for some person they don’t know who happened to be their true mate. In fact, Channie is the only one who believes in them. The mates issue is a bit complex if we think about it over each of the Chan’s, but on a general idea, the mates are not exclusive for the guys, and I’ll probably make a tmi on the boys at some point, but Chan met his mate and it didn’t work out, for example. Mates go further than the marking, btw, mates are a special, cosmic bond. Marks are just that, marks.

And talking about that, we do not vibe with marks. The original folklore states marks as the way a wolf has to claim their partner as theirs and keep away others, especially from an alpha, and they’re supposed to go both ways, so marks between human/wolf, for example wouldn’t be possible. There’s also two marks.

The first bonding mark is generally given during sex between mates and heals, and the second one in front of the pack (there’s a whole social status thing involved here but were not touching that yet) and its permanent. Also marks are literal WOLF BITES so no, they’re neither small nor cute. Just look at these teethies and picture the scar in a neck-shoulder. That’s your bonding mark.

(they're cute tho I uwuuu)

What I’ve been reading around in fanfics and seeing around is that bots have been mated and claimed with marks, which is ok if you’re into that. My chan’s, though, find physical marks archaic, possessive and toxic. And honestly I personally do too.

You may have noticed by now that even though the boys are quite possessive, they’re never trying to scare away others and their sole way of marking is love marks that heal eventually and scenting. Permanent marks are a nono.

They will NOT mark anyone as their mate. Especially Channie plz he’s baby.

This is a personal decision and it does not mean that marking is RIGHT or WRONG. I just personally see marking bites as marking your partner with fire or something and I dislike the idea a lot.

ALRIGHT I THINK THAT’S ABOUT IT FOR TODAY I FEEL LIKE I WROTE TOO MUCH ALREADY??? Feel free to ask questions or request certain topics! I think next topics will be Social Structure, Skills and maybe Self control or Moon Cycles.

If you read all of this WOW CONGRATS??? I LOVE YOU EXTRA MUAH

One question I got on the asks was “since their fur color seems to correspond with their hair color, what happens if they dye their hair?”

Nothing happens babe! When they’re half turned they will have really funny colorful hair, but when they fully turn their fur stays the same! hehe Don’t worry, Chan won’t be a clown red wolf heh

OK BYE MUAH MUAH

Tags (hmu for removal:] if you don’t care about this hehe)

@yandereminholee @bunjihyo @shinhaneul-oc @sub-chungha @song-mingi-cb @grungeyuta @yourhwaa @bunny-woong @princess-yeji @xash-axx @7deadlysins-chan @camgirl-jihyeon @hybrid-wooyoung @vampirehhj @ghoulxbaekhyun @mafiaxnct127 @deadly-skz-gods-cb @mafia-chaeyoung @vampiresanha @sub-minho @starsirah-oc @femboy-minho @subbyhyunjinchatbot @weeb-wonwoo @yandere-wendy @musiclovermino @galaxy-ateez @chanlix-koalas @vampirechangbinnie @mafiafelixlee @madmanwoodam @sweetandsleepyjamie @yanderedahyun @hunter-chaeyoung @hwangyeji-cb @artsydahyun @gamer-yeji @yourminju @seulgi-foxy @kittensua-cb @softbabieinnie @softboyfriend-cb @iceskater-sana @irregularchatbot @yandere-miya @doll-seungmin @skz-cb @subbylino @babie-sanie

[ketsuyuki-hibana-typed]

Hello again! I have not account here, but I am the one, who ask you to write "Pregnant headcanons" and "Demon Train Arc Alter. End". When I've read your big post yesterday I become mad! No! Not mad...Furious! How people could be such jerks?! They have no idea what people like you doing! As you say " If you do not like it - GO AWAY!" Please, do not pay attention to those people. Your writings are beautiful! They gladden, warm and even heal kokoro ( Thank you once more for saving Kyo-сhan's life!)

Hi!!

Sometimes, I choose not to be inside a fandom, especially big series like BnHA, Naruto, and others because there will be always assholes inside them. Unlike those days before fandom existed, I really enjoy all anime/manga the creators made.

Most people didn't know what are these fan creators going thorough to make arts/writes or anything that could be considered as 'Act for being a fan'

I'm fully aware on how I reach these audiences. Like I said before, I couldn't 'protect' you guys eyes from what I made especially NSFW one from minor ages by citrus tags. People have different tastes and I fully understand that.

And it has something to do with ships and genres too.

I don't like underage romantic relationship between ships like RenTan, UzuZen, GiyuTan or else BUT I love them when they are platonic. I like how Gotouge portraited Rengoku as Pillar who really cares about the trio Kamaboko, how well Uzui 'handling' Zenitsu whining, how Giyuu wanted to protect Tanjirou and Nezuko (184 still got me). Not in romantic way, but just pure act between the older person towards the young one. I'm not fully support these ships, I'm just okay with it if it's not in romantic way. They care, they protect, that's it!

What can you say? It's canon that Tanjirou leans on Rengoku shoulder while he sleeping on train arc. But does that mean they are in love in romantic way? NO.

It's canon that Giyuu stepped out to protect Tanjirou and Nezuko from Shinobu's attack. Giyuu also said that he will never let anyone passed him and protect Tanjirou while fighting with Akaza. Is that a sign that Giyuu is Tanjirou's boyfriend and he's being pedophile? I think the fuck not.

Does that mean Hibana is a pedophile because she love the platonic one? Of course not, you fucking dipshits (Not you Anon, I love you).

Liking and writing Upper Moons and Muzan cause you to be a problematic? NO

Mitsuri's cleavage and Inosuke bare chest made Gotouge a pedophile? NO

Cosplaying Nezuko in Black skin cause Nezuko to be out of character? NO

Making MVs about siblings made us incest lover? NO

At this rate, we are going have that one person who accused us as pedophile because we're saying 'You're so cute' to a baby.

I'm not okay with the genre I hate, but I never said rude things to those who made them or even made gossips about them FOR FUCKING LIKES, APPROVAL COMMENTS, RETWEETS, OR REBLOGS. I simply act 'Oh my, not my teas, bye bye' and block the artists or authors who draw/write things I don't like. God, don't you have something better to do irl? (Not you Anon, I love you). It's really easy for someone to accuse them for being bad these days.

Just because a ship or headcanons being popular, doesn't mean it became canon unless the creator made changes and stated so.

Like, stop. These kind of person act like they are SJW but in the end, they just made this big fandom worst. Because they didn't give explanation what to do next to avoid something they don't like but at the same time, keep accusing people on those genres they don't like (I'm still mad at people who said that Black People couldn't cosplay, do they really think Japanese has pure white skin?)

Also, a reminder, I'm rambling not because I'm capable from stop these things completely. I'm just letting out what I felt being in multifandoms and a multishippers.

Set the boundaries. Clear your minds. If you don't have something nice to say or something that could fix the problem, shut the fuck up. That's all.

Like I said before, if you don't like it, filter tags, scrolled pass, block them!!

*me, trying to hold anger and smile like nothing happened*

Oh my God, look, I'm rambling again. Thank you Anon for liking my stories!! Here's loves for compensation after reading my ramblings

[kweebtrash]

Crawling (M)

Messy Chapter 9

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Smut, The Angst chapter TM

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: alcohol, talks about death/suicide, talks about sexual assault (use of the word rape-in case that offends you), emotional manipulation, description of panic attacks, anxiety, emotional codependency, aggression/intimidation, mentions of blood, mental illnesses/self deprivation/emotional self harm/slight feelings of worthlessness, lots of crying, heavy heavy heavy guilt

Features: kinda sad slow sex?, gentle thrusting, caressing, grinding, protectiveness, biting, heavy make out sessions/tongue sucking, riding, unprotected and protected sex, cumshot, choking, rough fucking

Word Count: 23k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose. I’ll edit some more tomorrow if needed. I may have missed some warnings so if you see any you feel I should add let me know. This chapter is kind of personal for me as some of the things I wrote about happened to me irl but still let me know what you think of it regardless.

Messy Masterlist   Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

Jaehyuns POV

I yawned as I flicked through my Instagram feed lazily. I was trying to fall asleep but nothing was working. I rubbed my eyes before setting my arm between my head and the pillow, continuing to scroll and liking a few posts every once in awhile. My phone vibrated signaling that I had a text from Quinn. Just as I was about to click on it I got another notification, this time from Instagram. It was a message request from an account I didn't follow. I was mostly tempted to ignore it until more and more messages filtered through. I sighed and finally opened it, seeing words that made my blood run cold.

Rixtrix666: Hey

Rixtrix666: I really need to talk to you

Rixtrix666:It's about me and Johnny

This damn bitch couldn't leave us alone. First, she made Johnny's life a living hell and now she was trying to get to him through me. I clicked on her profile to block her, briefly catching the dozens of pictures she had of her and Johnny. In each one he looked miserable and void of any feeling whatsoever. I could only imagine what he went through before I told him I would help. At first I had been offended that he hadn't come to me as soon as it started taking a turn for the worse but after he explained what she had done to him I could see his thought process behind it. He didn't want to be ridiculed or chastised. Hell, he didn't even think people would believe him. If I hadn't known him for all these years then maybe I wouldn't have either. But anyone with a brain could see how he wasn't himself anymore. Just seeing her message brought back memories of terror that I shared with him for over a month. Why couldn't she just fucking leave us be? I opened up the message, ready to tear into her but what she sent me stopped me in my tracks completely. I shot up in bed instantly, my hands shaking as my throat felt like it was closing up. I accepted her request and immediately responded.

What the fuck is that?

Rixtrix666: what does it look like?

Rixtrix666: he's blocked me everywhere else

Rixtrix666: I need to tell him. Please. That's why I sent you this msg

You're lying. You're a fucking manipulative bitch

I don't need you fucking up his life again

I mean it

Rixtrix666: please jaehyun

Rixtrix666: I need to talk to him

Rixtrix666: the proof is in the picture! It's a positive test

Whats your fuckin number

I'm calling you

Answer the phone right fucking now!!

Once she sent her number, I dialed it immediately. "Listen here-"

She cut me off. "Jaehyun! I mean it! Please, I'm begging you! I need to talk to him!'

"Fuck!" I yelled. She was starting to make me nervous with the urgency in her voice. I didn't know what to do. I was torn between believing her or blocking her and keeping this a secret. She had already caused so much damage and this was just going to make everything worse. I was on edge and her squaking in my ear wasn't making anything better. I sprinted towards my door, flinging it open and heading straight towards Johnny's room. I didn't even bother knocking and instead shoved his door open. He jumped up, the most confused expression written across his face. I had no idea how to say it or even where to begin explaining so I thrust my phone in his face.

"Talk! Talk now!' I blurted out.

He raised his brow and took my cell tentatively. As soon as he pressed it to his ear and heard those words the coloring drained from his face. His breathing switched immediately and it was like he was drowning, gasping deeply and struggling to fight against the waters. I didn't understand why it was happening and I certainly didn't know how to fix it which caused me to go into a deeper panic. My phone slipped from his hand and I managed to catch it before it crashed to the floor. Rixi was still going on about the pregnancy until I yelled in her ear. "Send me your address right now. We're coming over."

"F-fine! I need to see him anyway. We have to get back together. For the sake of the baby."

I didn't have time to blow up on her, especially with Johnny looking like he was ready to pass out at any minute. I discarded my phone on the bed and grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to shake him out of it. "Dude! Look at me! We're gonna figure this out together ok? She's lying. I know she is. You don't have to worry." His breath was still far from normal. "J-Johnny, man, w-what's wrong? You're freaking me out! P-please stop breathing like that!"

His eyes showed nothing but fear, his body completely tense, like he wasn't able to control it. My heart thundered and in a  last ditch effort, I just hugged him. I squeezed him tight and held on, hoping that somehow that could comfort him enough to calm down. I was scared too. Absolutely terrified. I didn't want him to go back into that abuse and though I didn't believe that she was actually pregnant, if there was even the slightest possibility that she was his life was over. On top of that I knew his feelings for Eri were growing no matter how much he was trying to deny it. She may not want to be around him if he had a kid and that would just devastate him. I pleaded to whatever cosmic being was watching over to give Johnny every ounce of strength it took for him to be happy.

Just then, I slowly felt his hand creep up to settle on my back. He was responding now at least even if it was minimal. "We're gonna get through this together, ok? You're my brother. I won't let her ruin this, I swear it."

He inhaled with a sharp gasp and I shot back in fear that his breathing had gotten worse somehow. It was the opposite thankfully and it looked like he had finally gotten his head above water. "W-what…" He rasped softly. "What am I going to do?"

"We're going to buy some tests and make her take them in front of us. I need to make sure she isn't playing any games. I want living proof. If she's going to try me, then she's messing with the wrong dude."

"What if, Jae? What if…"

"Don't think like that, man. Think about Eri. She needs you when she comes back and you're gonna be there, ok?"

He nodded and I helped him up from the bed. "Let's go, I'll drive. Just get your coat on." I ran to the front door and grabbed my car keys, shoving on my own coat in the process. Johnny was walking much slower. I grabbed his arm to move him along and attempt to snap him out of it. I guided him downstairs and into my car like a child. I knew he was really too shocked to process anything but my adrenaline was kicking in big time and I needed to be his rationality for now. I hopped in and sped to the nearest pharmacy, pulling into the parking lot in a screeching halt. I ran in, my own breath starting to give out from going so fast, and grabbed the biggest pack of pregnancy tests I could find. When I got to the register I fumbled with my wallet and card, angered at myself for shaking so bad. I took a deep breath and ignored the weird stares I was getting from the cashier before my payment went through and I yanked it out the card reader. I grabbed the box and got back into the car hoping that Johnny was still safe. Realistically, I should have taken him into the store with me to keep an eye on him but I knew he would only slow me down.

I checked my phone to make sure Rixi had sent me her address. Thankfully she did and I plugged it into my GPS, zooming back out onto the road. The box of tests sat between us halfway stuck in my cup holder, rattling menacingly as an omen of what was to come. I tried not focusing on it so much through the silence Johnny and I shared. I wanted to give him some form of assurance but i was at a lost to what more I could do or say. Instead, I gripped the steering wheel tighter feeling the leather cover squeak beneath my fingers. The ride was short but felt painfully long. When we finally arrived at the apartment complex it loomed over us and made me feel like I was going into battle. I took a deep breath and nudged at Johnny. “Let’s go.”

I grabbed the tests as I stepped out of the car. Johnny looked like he was ready to pass out at any moment. I set my arm around his shoulders and lead us to her apartment door. I banged on it harshly, impatiently waiting for her to open it. When she did, I could see tears still running down her cheeks and she made an attempt to hold onto Johnny. He stepped back quick and I moved between them. "Don't you dare think about touching him. Take these tests now." I pressed the box to her chest and glared down at her.”

“W-what? What is this? How could you not believe me?!” She squeaked.

"Because we can't trust anything you say. You're a liar, Rixi and I need to know what happened that night." Johnny spat.

“You know what happened.” Rixi growled. “You got high and wanted to fuck. You realize you were on X, right? That’s what happens. You wanted it.”

I didn't want to have her talk to him any further. The uncertainty was already weighing on us and I needed it to disappear as fast as it had arrived. I kept myself between them but shifted Rixi around to face the direction of her bathroom. "Get moving." I commanded.

“You can't tell me what to do! I'm not taking these!"

With my patience wearing thin I shoved her harshly and kept her moving until the three of us crammed into the small space. "Oh, you're gonna take them. I don't have time for your bullshit and you definitely do not want to piss me off." I locked the door, making sure she had no means of escaping. “Do it.”

“I’m not going to pee with you two in here.”

“Just take the damn test, Rixi!” Johnny snapped.

“I don’t have to go right now!”

I grabbed her shoulders and pressed her down onto the toilet. “Start thinking of waterfalls then because you will do it.”

“F-fine! If it will get you to shut up. It’ll just be positive anyway!” I leaned back against the wall, glaring her down the entire time to make sure that she didn’t try anything funny. Her hands were shaking as she tore into the plastic and opened the box. Johnny was trying to pace within the small area and I reached out to grab his shoulder harshly. He stopped and instead switched to shuffling his weight between his feet. The wait was irritating and super awkward but it had to be done. Eventually she was able to take the test and slammed it on the counter. I set a timer on my phone so we knew exactly when it was done processing. It was a mere 5 minutes but each second made us all more anxious. Rixi was darting her eyes around frantically as she tried to keep herself covered. Johnny was mumbling to himself, almost wedged into the corner while his nails dug into the cheap wallpaper. My foot bounced quickly as I tried to funnel my nerves somewhere else. The wait was absolute death and I was starting to feel the sweat creep down the back of my neck. Finally, the timer went off and all three of us jumped up. Rixi made a grab at the test but I caught her hand in mine and Johnny snatched it up. He held it between us and we both stared at the reading. What the fuck did that mean?

“What does it say!?" Johnny panicked, the answer still unbeknownst to us. Rixi squirmed in my grip, making me release her. She yanked it out of Johnny's hand and cradled it to her chest.

“It means i’m pregnant of course!” She said as if it was obvious.

I grabbed at her small hands having to pry it out of her. “I saw it! It was one line."

Johnny grabbed the box and turned it over, skimming over the directions. “You fuckin’ bitch!”

“What?! What?! What does it mean?!” I screamed.

“She’s not fuckin’ pregnant!!” Johnny almost launched himself over me to try and grab at Rixi but I was able to block him.

“It could be wrong! Why would I lie to you?! I love you!” Rixi protested.

"You love me?!" Johnny scoffed. "If you loved me you wouldn't have raped me!"

My head snapped over to my best friend, my brother, my family away from home. He had told me about the way Rixi hit him and tried to keep our friends away but he never told me that.

"That's not what happened! Why do you keep saying that?! I would never!"

I set the test down and told Johnny to leave the bathroom, confusing both he and Rixi. When he didn't comply right away, I yelled at him. It wasn't because I was upset but rather he might have stopped me from what I was about to do. It took a bit of coercion but he eventually left me alone with the shedemon. I stood in front of her, setting my hands on either side of the toilet tank. My face was just centimeters from hers and I could feel the nervousness of her breath against my lips. "You…" I laughed not even sure where to begin. "You hurt one of the only people I care about. I mean incomprehensible damage to his mind, his body, his feelings and you come around again, like an infectious disease. You can say that you didn't hurt him all you want but that's only because you're sick. What I need you to do, and what you're going to do, is take this second test. Once I get that negative result again I will make fucking sure you will never ever be able to go near Johnny ever."

"If you t-touch me I'm calling the police!!"

"Oh, call them. Then you can get arrested for what you've done to him."

"They wouldn't believe that I could hurt him. I mean he's a man, a big one at that. If something was really wrong he could've easily defended himself." She said, a little too smug for my own liking.

She had admitted what Johnny had feared- that no one would believe him and he would be seen as a joke. It made me absolutely furious but I held my composure in the meantime. I smiled at her and grabbed the second test out the box, holding it in front of her. "Take the test."

"No. I'm not doing anything else you ask for. You can't force me."

"Oh, so you don't like being forced to do things but you're okay with forcing yourself onto drugged out men? That's mighty hypocritical of you, Rixi. Now again, I'll tell you one more time, pretty nicely I think, take the test." I shifted my hand to her shoulder, gripping it hard. "And don't worry. I wouldn't hit you. That would be hypocritical as well, right? You can only hit Johnny, right?"

"I was just playing around. I wasn't hitting him like that!"

"The bruises said otherwise."

"He bruises easily."

I squeezed her shoulder harder, watching her try and squirm away from my grasp but ultimately failing. "Take the test, Rixi."

"Get off me!"

"TAKE THE TEST!!" I yelled, my entire body trembling. It took a lot to get me this angry, this absolutely volatile. She was able to bring it out of me in mere minutes and I promised her that she wouldn't like what she saw next if she didn't comply with my orders. Johnny pounded on the door, asking what was wrong. He knew when I yelled that shit was serious. I ignored him and shoved the test towards her again. She snatched it from me as another round of crocodile tears started to flow.

I wasn't so patient this time with her stalling and complaining about not being able to pee. I sure as hell was able to convince her to get a move on when I snapped the first test in half and slapped the box off the counter, my voice growing louder with each vengeful move. Once she managed to get enough on the stick through her whining, we waited again. The same result was concluded and I sighed deeply. I washed my hands and wiped the excess water on my jeans. "So, we've established that you're never coming near him again and that I'm going to make sure there's a restraining order on you. On top of that I'll make sure I find ways to make your life a living hell just like you did to Johnny. Do you understand me?"

"You ruined everything. He was going to be mine!"

"Aren't you just a cute soap opera villain? Things don't work that way in the real world. You don't get what you want when people are like you. You get institutionalized. What the hell did you think was going to happen when you didn't shit out a kid in 9 months? That Johnny would've stayed? He's got more important things to worry about like his girlfriend. The person you will never be."

"You mean that stupid slut that tried to fight me?" She said angrily.

I smiled. "Say that to Johnny's face. He'll tell you how much he's in love with her. They spend so much time together it's almost sickening. You never even had a chance. Don't try and put your hands on him or his life again. If you try me again, I can get you charged with something much worse like you deserve."

I yanked the door open and Johnny met my eyes instantly. “What did you do? What happened? I heard yelling.”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be okay.”

“You think really think she’s going to stay away from me? She-She’s insane! She’s never going to leave me alone and-”

“I got this. I’m not going to let anything else happen to you.” I promised. “I’m gonna take you home, we just gotta make a stop first.” I started leading him towards the door, looking back at Rixi who was looking defeated for now. Somehow I felt like she was going to plot something far more dangerous and even though I had won this battle it didn't feel like I had won the war just yet. I was ready for anything she was plotting though. I vowed to make sure she never hurt my brother again.

--

Eri’s POV

In the short time that I was back home on the island my world had crumbled and I had no idea where to even begin trying to piece it back together. I didn’t exactly regret my mom forcing me to go back but I wished I did have more time to plan but how could you plan a death? How do you plan losing someone who helped raise you, who drove you to school every morning, who was married to your grandmother for over 50 years, who you knew and loved since you were born? How did you even begin to prepare for that?

I had spent the entire week being at the brunt end of emotion after emotion. There were fights about everything-the house, mortgage, money, cars, insurance. I had to sift through paperwork of things I didn't even understand and with my family's barely high school level education from the 80s, they didn't understand much either. One of my aunt's tried to guide us through beneficiaries and all that bullshit but it was still a foreign language to us all. It made me restless at night and with the worry of my grandpa's health already on my mind I was basically running on fumes. It didn’t help my depression and it sure as hell didn’t help that I always had to get up early and do things around the house, head to the hospital for visitation hours, make trips to the grocery store, cook food, or buy anything we needed.

As the oldest I had somehow become the scapegoat and my mother’s favorite object to lash out on. Everyday there was some sort of argument and it came to the point that I just wanted to have a day of relaxation. I wanted to go to the beach, my absolute sanctuary and place of peace, but that was denied from me. My mom guilted me into thinking that I didn’t deserve to have that time to myself, that it was inappropriate for me to think of this as a ���vacation.” That wasn't how I felt at all and I merely wanted to attempt to recapture my sanity. After having my umpteenth argument with her I took it upon myself to sneak out of my grandma’s house like a teenager and go to a bar. Dani had found out about my little plan and blackmailed me into taking her along. Our cousin Maricella, who I hadn’t seen since I lived on the island ten years ago, was our getaway car.

It was an outdoor bar by the beach so I still got to have a little bit of peace. The mosquitoes were out and chewing up my legs like no other but it was way too hot to wear anything but short shorts and a bralette. Mari got us a round of shots while Dani and I took up residence at a table by a tiki torch, hoping the flame would keep some of the bugs at bay. Every once in awhile a sea breeze would rattle through the boardwalk style patio and bless us with relief and the tangy smell of salt water. I exhaled deeply and took out my almost finished second pack of cigarettes. I was starting to become a chimney because of all the stress and today was no different. It started off with light cigarettes but this pack had somehow turned into menthols. I still hated the taste but it was almost oddly comforting to have that hint of Johnny by my side. I lit one up, watching Dani’s nose wrinkle.

“I thought you hated those.” She commented.

“I do.” I took in a deep drag while scratching at a mosquito bite on my leg. “But it's what they had at the supermarket…” I lied.

“Your boyfriend smokes them.”

I shot her an incredulous look. “What?”

“Johnny. Your boyfriend. The hot six foot tall Korean with emo hair and lips that look like they commit a sin every time he talks. You know, that one.”

“He isn’t my boyfriend. He told me you figured out we were faking it at the party. How did you know he smoked menthols?”

“He asked me where your clutch was while you were off with Josue and I saw him take them out. Had to move some condoms out of the way to get to them though. Magnums? Guess what they say about Asians isn’t always true.”

“DANIELLA, POR FAVOR.” I screamed. “Why are you like this?” She was making me cringe just hearing her talk like that. She was only 15, i didn’t want to think about her knowing about anything related to sex at all.

“Because I’m your sister and you taught me how to be this way. Can I try it?” She nodded towards my cigarette.

“No, I’m supposed to be a good influence on you.”

“Ok, well influence me to drink and smoke and fuck a bunch of guys in college. If they look like Johnny, I’m down.”

I smacked my hand to my forehead and internally groaned. She was right, being a little shit ran in the family and I had definitely groomed her to somehow have the same attitude as I did. I had make the mistake of telling her about my college adventures (usually leaving out the details of my sex life) but apparently it was enough information for her to throw it back in my face. I reluctantly handed her the cigarette just as Maricella came back with a tray of shots. “Mari, my hero. Thank fuck.” I let out a sigh of relief.

“I got half dark, half white liquor so pick your poison. I used to fuck the bartender so I basically got everything for free.” She said before downing a shot of vodka.

“Why is everyone in our family sluts?” Dani coughed as she took a drag, quickly handing it back to me. “That is fuckin’ disgusting. How do you smoke those let alone kiss him when he tastes like that!”

“Wait, wait, wait. Who are you kissing?” Mari asked as she scooted onto the bar stool. “You got a man?”

I tossed back three shots, one after the other, then reached for the tequila so I could definitely forget about ever having this conversation. “No, I do not. There’s no man.”

Dani grabbed a shot herself, sniffing the liquor a bit. “I’m pretty sure your facetimes every night say otherwise. I can hear y'all say ‘I miss you so much, baby.’ from my room!” She took a deep breath before sipping the liquor slowly, managing to get it down in one take but recoiling her body in disgust. She rubbed at her chest trying to take the edge off somehow.

I could feel my face flaring up instantly. “That-that’s not true! We just...We’re just kinda in a weird place right now, ok?!

“Drink more so you can tell me about him! I wanna know!!” Mari giggled. She coaxed another shot towards me which I took instantly. There were a few drags in between her taunting and my stalling but eventually I had to cave in just to get them both to shut up.

I gulped down my fifth shot and sighed as I already started feeling the buzz. “He’s just this guy...we’ve been screwing around for like...four months now. I took him to the quince because you know how everyone is, asking me when I’m gonna get a boyfriend, ignoring that I like girls, belittling what I’m studying in college. So i asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend so they could get off my back."

"Except-" Dani interrupted. "Now they're totally in love with each other but won't admit it!"

"Ay, nena, don't you know to never catch feelings? That makes shit too complicated." Mari nudged my shoulder.

I tapped out my ashes. "He told me that I would never be his girlfriend and that's completely fine by me!" I lied and reached for another glass, letting out a deep sigh.

"Do you want to be his girlfriend?" Mari posed the dangerous question.

I stood quiet for a long time not really knowing how to answer that. He made it clear that he didn't want me to be his girlfriend but got jealous over Taeyong and Josue. He was constantly coming back around to fuck me (and vice versa) and now we had spent almost every night talking on the phone to each other. He had listened to me complain about my family for hours on end. Even when it got too late and I could tell how tired he was, he stayed up with me until sleep got the better of him. I would leave our FaceTime camera screens open, propping my phone against my pillow, and imagining that he was sleeping beside me though we were thousands of miles apart. He would hold his little rilakkuma keychain in his fist, keeping the head pressed to his lips as he slept. My heart would melt into a messy puddle of feelings I wanted to ignore but it was hard when you were screaming how much you were in love in your head.

"Heyyyyy," Mari nudged me out of my stupor. “Spill it girl!”

“The truth is I really don’t know what I want from him. Maybe I do want to be his girlfriend but what am I going to do once I have him? I’ve only ever had two relationships before and they both ended horribly. I’m so incredibly afraid to love anyone and honestly I don’t think he knows how to be a boyfriend either. We’re really messy and broken and always going up and down. It’s hard to figure anything out with him. I’m stressed that I love him. I’m stressed that I hate him. I’m stressed that I want to be with him but don’t want to be with him and I’m stressed that i know for sure he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m a mess, ok?”

“Eri, you should really stop lying to yourself and everyone around you about how you feel about him.” Dani added. I shot her a death glare and hoped to all hell she would shut up.

Mari just patted my shoulder. “You got it bad and you’re way over your head. I’m gonna get more drinks. You look like you need to be drunk.” She left us again and I rubbed my temples, sighing deeply.

“If he’s an asshole I don't want you to be with him but I know he does love you.” Dani added.

“Dani, don’t joke like that. It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen between us.”

“It will. Just give it time. I don’t think you’ll have to stress about him much longer but you should tell him.”

“I’m not going to make a damn fool out of myself and get rejected.”

“You won’t know until you actually try, Eri. Trust me.”

“What would you know about relationships? We’re adults. It’s different than that high school crap.”

“I know enough jerk. Why are you cranky when you’re drunk?”

“I’m not drunk.” I huffed. “I’m going to drink more then get drunk.” Dani crossed her arms and rolled her eyes and I let her sit in her feelings while I tried to avoid mine entirely. Mari came back then as if on queue and set down a giant bowl of piña colada to share between the three of us and a few more shots. We latched onto the straws and sucked deeply, almost in a race to see who could get toasted the fastest. Dani was number one contender as after a few sips she was starting to sway in her seat.

“I still want to hear more about this boy.” Mari said.

I groaned. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Pleassseeeeee! We never got to talk about boys when we were younger. We’re like making up time from being apart. You have to!”

I sniffled and tossed the end of my cigarette towards the sand. "Fine.” I grumbled. “I'm completely and totally in love with him. He's so fucking stupid and infuriating all the time. Like he can never talk about shit outright. I have to pry it out of him but he's had so much happen to him and I think he deserves to be happy. I want to be the person that makes him happy and supports him and-" I swallowed more gulps of piña colada as if was going to stop my meltdown. "He takes really nice pictures because he loves photography and he really cares about his mom and-and like we always talk about music and stuff. He's such a big dumb...DUMMY HEAD."

"Ay dios, what does this dummy head look like?" Mari asked. I set my phone out on the table and opened my secret folder of Johnny's pictures that I had saved.

"There. He looks like the biggest fucking fuckboy that ever lived." I whined.

"Well...I mean he's not my type,” She said as she flicked through the photos. ‘But Santo Dios, Jesus y la Virgencita THAT'S HIS DICK???"

I almost slammed my head onto the table. "YEAH THAT'S LIKE THE WORST PART."

"Waiiiiittttt! Lemme see! Lemme see!!" Dani squealed.

Mari at least had the decency to keep my phone away from my sister and preserve her hopefully still intact innocence. "No, this is not for you!" Mari turned to me and whispered, "You better get this shit straightened out soon. No man is worth heartache no matter how big or how good his dick is."

"Yeah but it's really gooooooodddd." I sniffled and pulled the incredibly long straw to my lips, sucking down more of the mixed drink.

"I don't care. You need to focus on yourself, especially with what's going on now."

"I don't want to focus on myself or what's going on now! That's like the last thing I want to focus on! I want to focus on the way he falls asleep while we FaceTime, or the stuffed bear that he got me that I sleep with every night, or the way his clothes smells, or his arms feel around me, or like...anything else but this shit! Please, Mari...anything else but this."

She sighed deeply and rubbed her hand across my back. "Damn...you really really got it bad."

I nodded and kept my head on the table sealing my lips from any more embarrassment. I was starting to get a little incoherent with all my drinking so I was sure I replied to her but didn't quite remember what I said. I was fading into a half sleep state and wanted to sink into the boardwalk. If I got drunk enough to completely pass out it would be the best sleep I'd have this entire trip. The only thing that could seal the deal was some bug spray and air conditioning. Mari shoved at me and landed panicked slaps to my back. I nudged my head up a little and opened one eye. "Whhaaaaa-?"

"Titi is calling! She must have found out we snuck out!!"

Dani almost burst into tears instantly. "I'm gonna get so grounded!!!"

I shushed her and took the phone instantly. "Fuck that. She's just gonna yell at me and I don't have time for that. I'm sick of her shit. She's only making this worse."

"Yeah but…" Mari cautioned. "If you ignore her she's going to blow up. You better answer."

I let the phone vibrate some more. The call hung up and started again over and over until it irritated me enough to answer. "What?!"

That set off a firework show of yelling and crying, tired explanations of her to stop treating me like a child or using me as a scapegoat, arguments about my duties in the house and guilting me that I didn't care about my grandpa one bit and bringing up the vacation thing. My body was vibrating with anger. It felt like my meds didn't even have an effect on me anymore and I was nothing but flames and sorrow. Mari tried to calm me down and Dani ended up crying and holding onto me begging for us to stop fighting. I had drawn so much attention with my yelling that everyone at the bar stared like I was some strange anomaly. Mari dragged me away then with Dani still clutching onto me and got us into the car. I hung up the phone during my mother's rant and tossed it somewhere I didn't care to find.

There was no point in holding everything in anymore. I screamed, I cried, I stopped breathing, I wanted to die. Everything came crashing down on me at once and that was when I truly felt my world crumble into nothingness. I didn't have a hold of myself. My body was shutting down, my mind becoming numb and unable to process anything. I didn't even realize we had gotten to my grandma's house until we actually pulled up. Everything seemed like a blur. When I stepped out of the car my legs gave way and I crashed hard into the pavement, crying and scarcely able to breathe. Consciousness wasn't my friend and I could only remember flashes of memory; my grandma holding me, my aunt telling me to breathe, my mom screaming in confusion, violently vomiting, and blood trickling down my head. I didn't know how long the panic attack lasted but I fell asleep in my mother's arms, finally being comforted by her love rather than frustrations.

When I did wake up it was the next day. I was forced to get up early in the morning. My head felt like it was going to explode. My hand was also throbbing and I didn’t understand why. I slowly got up from the bed, my body feeling like it weighed tons. Across the bed were the mirrored closet doors of the guest room and I could see bandages across my head and my knuckles. What even happened to my hand? I was confused and still felt groggy. I laid back down and fumbled around for my phone looking at the influx of messages I had received. There were a few from Lucas which entailed of a bunch of crying and kissy emojis saying that he missed me, one from Yuta asking me if I was ok because he hadn’t heard from me in awhile and even more from Johnny.

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: hey

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: did you sleep all day? I hope so. you need it

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: wanna call me when you get a chance?

💕💕Big Dick Daddy💕💕: I’ll be home at like 11

I wished I could’ve called him at that moment but at least it would be the highlight of my day later on as I was sure today was going to be a shit show. I wanted to go back to sleep and be left alone but my mom wouldn’t let me. We had to go visit my grandpa again which was also the last thing I wanted to do after suffering through that panic attack last night. Seeing him hooked up to monitors and oxygen was the icing on the cake to my guilt ridden feelings. The day went by at the slowest pace and I made movements to shuffle around my family but I was on autopilot. I was able to catch a nap in the late afternoon and woke up a little bit close to midnight. Johnny was the first thing on my mind and I called him hoping that he was still awake. He answered almost immediately, his toothbrush stuck in his mouth. “Hey babe.” He mumbled around it.

“Hey.” I croaked back.

He held a finger up, asking me to hold on while he rinsed out his mouth. I adjusted myself in bed in the meantime, making sure to hide the swollen area of my head and my hand. I didn’t want him to worry more than he already had been over the time I was gone. I watched him head over to his room and plop down on his bed, holding the phone above him.

“You look like shit, girl.”

“Yes, hello to you too, Johnathan.”

“You know what I mean. What's going on?"

I scoffed. "More like what isn't going on. My mom is continuously being an asshole to me but we had a half moment yesterday i guess. I got kinda drunk because I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore and it went downhill from there."

"Babe." He said sternly.

"Don't fuckin give me that commanding voice. I'm trying, ok? I'd rather be numb."

"I don't want you to be numb. I want you to feel. I want you to feel everything including me."

"But why do I have to carry everyone? Why do I have to do everything and stay struggling while taking a beating every day?"

"I know it's not fair. It's really not fucking fair and it pisses me off that you have to go through that. Like really pisses me off. I wish I was there with you, seriously."

I stood quiet for a moment, watching him shift and set his phone across from him. I loved that he was on my side and wanted to be here with me. It would’ve helped tremendously but i didn’t know how to thank him enough for being my support system this time. I swallowed back my feelings and tried to show how much he meant to me in a different way. "I've been smoking menthols because of you." I finally whispered.

"Ooohhhh you're in love with me now. That's a sign."

"W-what?" My eyes went wide instantly and so did his.

"U-uh...joking. Totally joking. Um...but I guess I'm influencing you."

I kept my face hidden as I wanted to scream at all my romantic emotions that were starting to surface. “S-shut up.”

“Um...anyway...what’s going on? Today, i mean.” He said trying to change the subject instantly.

“I don’t know. My head is kinda fuzzy. It feels like i’m just floating in and out. I feel guilty about so many things and I just keep thinking about my grandpa.” I was kicking myself as the tears started flowing again. I was starting to think that I was turning into the sea with how much I had cried. I apologized to him, feeling stupid for taking up our time with my whining and ugly sobs. He kept telling me that he didn’t care and would spend all night watching me cry if he had to. He reminded me of when I told him it was okay to cry and his empathy just made me ache for him even more. “I miss you…” I hiccuped. I just wanted his comfort, his warmth, his everything.

He sniffled and cleared his throat. “I miss you too…you know you have to be there. It’s going to be okay.”

“He’s gonna die Johnny. I know it. I visited him today at the hospital and my mom and my aunts just keep putting this weird bandaid on it. They keep thinking he’s going to bounce back and be able to take care of the house and my grandma and he wont. He literally wont. I don’t know why they won’t just fuckin’ say it.”

“They’re scared, Eri. They’re losing one of their parents. It’s always going to be scary.”

“I know that but I hate being the only fucking rational one here. It’s driving me insane. Just look at him and say he’s going to die! He’s just going to die, Johnny. He’s going to…” There were more tears then and more shoving of my head into the pillow. I felt like I was annoying him but that was just my anxiety and over thinking talking.

“Baby, look at me, ok?” His voice was like warm honey. I peeked up at him and rubbed viciously at my eyes. “When you come back, i’ll be here for you ok? It’s going to be hard but I’ll help you get through this. And so will Quinn and stupid ass Lucas and all your other friends.”

I cracked a small smile, really wishing that I could be back home with them. “I know…I-” Suddenly my mom burst into my room in hysterics. It happened. It finally happened and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. The wait and suffering was over and for  a small window of time it felt ok. I turned back to Johnny, seeing our video get pixelated a bit. “I have to go. I-I’ll talk to you later, ok?!” I ended the call and ran out to the living room. Everyone was frantically trying to get themselves together to head to the hospital. I stood staring at the chaos, unmoving and numb. It hit like a ton of bricks then and I realized that after all this build up I couldn’t do it. I returned to my room, barricading myself in as I was unable to cope with anything else. I had to find a way out of here but I was so broke and I knew my mom wouldn't pay for me to leave. She would force me to stay even longer and I couldn't do that. She was already banging at my door to come out of my room and get into the car.

I just screamed that I didn't want to go to the hospital and curled up in the corner of the room. I immediately dialed Quinn's number and begged them to please buy me a plane ticket. They didn't hesitate one bit but the earliest they could get me something was three days from now. A lot of the flights were booked, some overbooked even. I accepted it as I would take anything I could get at this point. Once the commotion in the house died down I packed my bag and called Mari to pick me up. I convinced her to let me hide out in her house and not say a word to my family. I lied to my mom that I was already back home and ignored the rest of her calls until the day came where I could finally leave this fucking island.

When the plane landed I was hit with the icy winter air that I didn't miss at all. Quinn was waiting for me to arrive with open arms. I squeezed them as tight as I could, needing that familiar feeling of safety that I hadn't been able to experience recently. They took one look at me and I could see sadness written all over their face. I didn't know if I should start talking and I was sure they didn't know if they should ask anymore questions about what happened. Instead, the two of us decided silence was better and got into my car that they had driven up to the airport. I fell asleep almost immediately. I was so exhausted and ready to never wake up again. When we arrived home, Quinn refused to let me stay in my room by myself. I wanted to protest but i had zero energy to do so. Instead I followed them to their room. They probably assumed that with my disheveled appearance and urgent phone call that I might have been on the verge of hurting myself. I didn't blame them, the thought had popped into my mind a few times since the beginning of the week but I was able to settle down since then. We snuggled close, burying ourselves under their heavy comforter and holding each other's hands. I squeezed tight and prayed that this feeling would go away soon. With only the sound of our breathing to comfort me I was starting to fall asleep again but the solitude was interrupted by aggressive banging on our front door. Quinn shot up quickly, asking me to stay behind while they investigated. I was worried to let them go by themselves, wondering what danger could be lurking behind the door within my paranoia. It fizzled once I heard Jaehyun's deep voice fill up the living room with frantic worry. He was talking so fast that I couldn’t make out what he was saying but it seemed to be important. I tiptoed out of the room to meet them both.

“Jae! Jae! You have to calm down! Slow down! We’re going to figure this out together!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down Quinn! I can’t help it!” His eyes caught mine and he barreled over to me, gripping my shoulders tight. “Eri! You need to help me! Johnny is missing!”

--

Jaehyun’s POV

It had been three days but I felt like I had realized it all too late. After I had made Johnny file the restraining order we went back home. He remained distant, which I expected so I let him be. He had gone through so much that night I figured he needed some time alone to clear his mind. I didn't think much of it when he said he was going to stay in his room to try and sleep. Everything seemed ok. The next day I didn’t see him around campus or at the apartment. I assumed it was just maybe because of our schedules. The day after I sent him a text and checked his room periodically- still nothing. His car had disappeared too. That was when I felt a pang of panic; something was definitely wrong. My dozens and dozens of calls and texts had gone unanswered, none of our friends had seen him, his jobs weren’t aware of anything. It was like he ghosted out of existence which made my heart drop into my stomach. I could only pray that he was ok but all the negative thoughts were infiltrating my mind like a raid. I was pacing frantically throughout our apartment trying to figure out some sort of plan but it was no use. I needed help. That was when Quinn popped into my head.

I sped over to her apartment and in no time I was slamming my fists on the door, anxiously waiting. She opened it, confused to see me. “Jae? What’s going-”

“I need your help! I need your help really really really badly. Something happened to Johnny and I don't know what else to do. I’m freaking out here. What if he’s dead? What if like someone killed him? What if-”

“Jae! Jae! You have to calm down! Slow down! We’re going to figure this out together!”

“Don’t tell me to calm down Quinn! I can’t help it!” I heard a door open and looked up to see Eri. She looked like a fucking mess but if Johnny wouldn’t respond to me then maybe he would respond to her. I rushed over and grabbed her by her shoulders. “Eri! You need to help me! Johnny is missing!”

"W-what do you mean he's missing?!" She asked, completely stunned.

"I haven't seen him in three days. He hasn't answered my texts or calls. No one else has seen him. Have you heard from him?"

She shook her head. "I've been out of the states and I just got back. I haven’t been able to talk to him either. I wasn’t really able to pay attention to my phone for awhile. Y-you don't think he'd h-h-hurt himself, do you?"

I swallowed hard. I really didn’t know the answer to that question. "I hope to all hell not."

"Give me your keys to the apartment." Eri said suddenly.

"What? Why? He's not there!"

"Just trust me! I'm going to check something out. You get anyone who wants to help to start searching his normal spots. We need to check everywhere. If anything file a missing persons report."

"E-Eri wait!" Quinn interjected. "You just got back and with everything that's happened I don't know if it's safe for you to be alone."

Eri tightened her hand into a fist at her side and I noticed one was covered in bandages. Was everything going to hell and a handbasket with these two? "Look I can't lose anyone else. I always have to do everything myself and I'm gonna find him. Give me the keys, Jae."

I dug into the pocket of my jeans and tossed them over to her. She seemed determined and seemed to be way more prepared than I was. Quinn held onto my arm tight as Eri grabbed her coat and car keys. "Eri! Please be careful!” Quinn shouted. Eri left then, slamming the door shut behind her. Quinn wrapped her arms around me suddenly, burying her face in my stomach. "Jae, now i'm really worried. What's going on?"

"I have to tell you something important. There's so much and I'm so so scared to lose him, Quinn. He's my best friend. He's the only family I have here." My throat started to feel scratchy and I realized that I was on the verge of tears. I never really cried like this- it was so strange. I mean of course I was worried but I guess with everything hitting me it stirred up feelings about Johnny that I hadn't thought about in awhile. "He's been there for me since I came over from Korea. Like he's helped me with so much. What am I gonna do without him?" I rubbed my eyes, trying to push back tears that were coming through against my will.

She squeezed me tighter. "Jae, it's going to be ok. We're gonna figure this all out. I promise." She stood on her tip toes and I bent down to kiss her gently. "Tell me what happened…"

I sighed and sniffled a little bit, wiping my nose with the back of my hoodie sleeve. "I, uh, Rixi came back. Remember her?

Quinn nodded.

"Well she told Johnny she was pregnant."

"WHAT?!"

"Don't worry, she isn't. I forced her to take tests in front of us so she wouldn't be able to lie but all the manipulation and shit got to Johnny. He kept breathing weird and I didn't know what to do. I just tried my best to protect him, you know? He'd do that for me and then I made him file a restraining order. After that we went home and he said he wanted to be alone. I figured it was just because everything was hitting him at once and he couldn’t really catch a break. I didn’t think much of it but now he’s been gone for so long that I can't help but think of the worst." I returned her hug, squeezing her tiny body desperately to mine. "She raped him, Quinn...that's what Johnny said. I didn't know- I couldn't help…"

"Jaehyun, don't ever say that. You do not blame yourself and put all that guilt on you. You've helped Johnny more than anyone and there's no way he doesn't appreciate it. You're a good friend and a good brother. There's a lot to process when something like that happens...it’s just...it's not easy." She pushed my hair back and kissed my temple. Her words calmed me down a little even though I still felt the guilt. I just wanted to know that my friend was okay.

"Look," she continued. "Eri is going through a lot too. I know how it feels when you think you can't help but some things are just out of our hands. We have to trust that they can find him and we have to work on our end too."

"What if Rixi came back and did something to him?" I suddenly thought. I rushed into more panic and boiling anger.

"Focus Jae. We can’t think of something that terrible right now. We can check her place though since it’s a possibility. I can get Lucas and maybe Yuta to help and they can start there. You call the police and I’ll try and get them to help and check in on Eri, ok?

I nodded, glad that she was able to be my voice of reason. "Quinn….I-I don't really know what I'd do without you…"

She smiled. "Well duh, I'm amazing." She gave me another kiss and I cupped her face, loving the feeling of her soothing warmth against me. It was kind of odd how a few months could change the entirety of your view on something. We were both throwing ourselves at other people almost nightly, losing ourselves in a last ditch effort to forget all the bullshit that surrounded our lives. I could forget that facade I constantly was putting up about being likeable and unafraid in America. I had been here for years already but I still felt out of place. Quinn could forget the devastation that laid in the wake from their parents casting them aside for something greater. Weird how fucking someone's brains out could turn into nights of cuddling and talking about shit that hurt you until you felt so raw inside that the only thing that could comfort you was that other person.

I wanted to stay wrapped up in my safe cocoon with her but we had to get down to business. Johnny's life could be in danger and I would be damned if I gave up too soon.

--

Johnny's POV

My body felt so cramped after spending all that time driving. I didn't really want to be home but I knew I had to continue my life here no matter how much I hated it. I opened the door to the apartment and dropped my duffel bag on to the floor, letting out a sigh of relief. I noticed there was a light on in my room and all kinds of shuffling sounds.

"Jae?" I called out. The noise stopped for a second and I took a tentative step closer to find out what was lurking behind my door. It swung back to reveal the person I had wanted to see most for the past week. They sprinted into my arms, making me stumble back. "Eri! Baby! You're-"

They parted from me for a second to land a few whacks to my chest. "Don't ever EVER scare us like that again!!!"

"Wait, what?"

"Johnny you gave us all heart attacks! Where the fuck were you?! I swear to God I'm going to kill you!!!"

"Eri, baby, what are you talking about?!"

"You didn't answer anyone's calls or texts! You got Jae damn near crying over not being able to find you! I come back tonight to him saying that you’re missing and the first thought I had was that…" They swallowed hard and I could feel the hurt in their voice. "That you were dead.”

Shit. I pulled them back into my arms and squeezed them like my life depended on it.

"Johnny, please I can't lose anyone else. I can't. I'm not strong enough for that."

"I'm here. I'm right here, Eri. I'm not going anywhere."

I felt like an irresponsible idiot. At the time escaping back to Chicago felt like it was the best thing to do. I needed to get away from the bullshit that was haunting me. It felt like this town was just suffocating me dry. I needed a break, something to clear my mind and get me back on track. My first thought, of course, was to go see my mom. The look of pure love in her eyes when she saw me made my fears melt away in an instant. I held onto her as tightly as I was holding onto Eri now. I had spent the last three days with her eating a ton of her home cooked food and watching my baby videos on our ancient VHS player. She wouldn't let me live down running around the house naked during a party when I was a toddler. I've never laughed so much in my life and it felt good to not feel like an empty void.

We had serious talks too. I asked her not to judge and spilled out almost everything I could about my hookups ("Do you use condoms?" Yes Mom, "Do you get tested?" YES MOM), totally avoiding how much weed I smoked, and poured my heart out over Eri. Everything from how I felt when I first saw them at the party, to when I decked Matt in the face for hurting them, to realizing that maybe it wasn't just sex anymore and it was something bigger, to knowing that after all this time I was in love with them but I was still scared. I didn't want to be like my dad, and I was still stuck on trauma (I disguised my assaults under "bad relationships" as I wasn't ready to dive that deep yet), and that there were parts of me that felt like I didn't deserve love.

She cried then, hating that her only child felt so bleak and meaningless as if it was her fault. It wasn't of course and it would never be. If anything she had saved me more than once in my lifetime and I was forever grateful. She told me that I needed to stop being so afraid of Eri and that I needed to just tell them how much I loved them and I honestly wished it was that simple. There was still too much holding me back and things I had to work through before I even considered being with them. I didn't want to be a drugged out mess or a mentally unstable shit for brains who dumped everything on their significant other. I at least knew I wanted to be a better person before I took that final step. It was just so fucking hard and there were times that I felt like I would never be good enough for Eri.

Now that I was back in Eri's arms I felt like I needed to be the strong one for them. They were disappearing before my eyes and I had to be their protector. I had worried them and everyone else after all and it was the least I could do.

"I thought you killed yourself." They sobbed. "We all thought the worst- the absolute fucking worst."

"Nooo, noooo. I wouldn't do that. I went back home. I needed to see my mom and get some time away from it all. Im sorry. I'm so sorry…" I didn't know what else to say. The guilt was setting in and I realized the consequences of my actions now. I didn't regret skipping out but I did regret worrying them. Especially after everything they had been through which by the looks of it had only gotten worse.

They cupped my face weakly. “I just don’t want to think of the bad things anymore, Johnny. It’s scaring me. My heart hurts so bad and everything is a mess in my brain. I don’t feel right.” They admitted.

I kissed them then, like they were the only thing I needed to breathe. I couldn't let them go now. I kept them plastered to me, forcing our breaths to disappear into one another. The moment we parted I looked down at them, pushing their hair back gently and seeing the remnants of stitches by their temple. My heart started beating faster. They never told me about this. I was scared that an argument with their mom turned to worse and they got hurt. I noticed the bandages on their hand too finally and jumped into a panic. "Eri, what hap-"

Suddenly they slumped in my arms, almost collapsing to the floor but I managed to catch them. "Jesus, fuck!" Now I really had no idea what was going on. They were breathing thankfully, almost steady but shallow breaths. I carried them to the couch, propping their head on a pillow before rushing over to my bag to turn on my phone. I called Jae immediately. My phone was slowing down because of all of the text messages and missed calls but it managed to start ringing.

"JOHNNY!! FUCK, HOLY FUCK, YOURE OK!!" He screamed instantly.

"Yeah! Yeah! I’m fine! Look, something happened to Eri. I’m at the apartment, can you bring Quinn asap?!"

"One, I'm going to kill you. Two, I need the both of you to stop being drama vortexes and sucking everyone into messes; like can y'all please chill for one day?? Three, we'll be there in five."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Please just come over!"

"We are. We're leaving right now….Johnny?"

"What?"

"I love you, bro."

I exhaled softly. "I love you too."

We hung up then and I sat on the floor beside the couch trying to see if I could wake Eri up. I tapped their face and shook them, fanned some air with my hand and even kissed them as if some Disney magic was going to take over. I was desperate at this point and had no idea what else I could do. I held onto their hand squeezing it tight and begging them to wake up soon. It wasn’t long before Jae and Quinn came into the apartment. He rushed over to me, practically slamming into me with a hug. He squeezed me tight and I held onto him, wanting him to know it was okay. “It’s cool, Jae. I’m here. I’m not leaving again.”

“Yeah you better fuckin’ not, douchebag.” He rubbed at his eyes and sniffled a bit. “I’m over trying to take care of you, you know?!”

“I know, it’s supposed to be the other way around but I’m pretty sure you like bossing your hyung around though.”

“I only do it because my hyung is a damn idiot!” He hugged me again which made me laugh.

“Stop being a baby. We’ve got bigger things to worry about now.” I smiled at him and ruffled his peachy hair. Suddenly, Quin shoved us both aside to get to Eri. Jae and I stumbled back and let Quinn hover over Eri. She was already starting to cry and fuss over them, about as clueless as I was as to what was going on.

“What the hell did you do, Johnny?!” She barked.

“Me?! I didn’t do anything! We were-uh- we were just talking and suddenly they collapsed!”

“Why didn’t you call an ambulance?!”

“They were breathing and I panicked and called you first! I think they passed out but i’m not sure!”

“You’re a complete fucking idiot! I swear to god. Go get me some water. Jae lift their legs up a bit." She turned to mumbling. "Have to do everything around here."

I sighed and went to the kitchen to comply with Quinn’s demands. Jae lifted Eri's legs, sitting on the arm rest and patiently waiting. "Do you still want me to call an ambulance?" I set the glass of water on the coffee table and stood on the opposite side of the couch.

Quinn sighed. "No, you were right, I think they just fainted. We could call the ambulance but I don't know how they hurt themselves. If it was self inflicted then they're going to put them on suicide watch or institutionalize them. After everything that's happened I doubt it would help. They're not fun."

"Do you think she would hurt herself like that?" Jae asked.

"They have, in the past. It's a possibility but I hope it's not true. They were worried about me committing suicide but now I guess the tables have turned." I said solemnly. I leaned over to kiss them again still hoping I could enact some princely magic.

Quinn stared at me for a moment. "Are you gonna finally tell them that you love them?"

"Uh, do you really think that now's the time to be asking that?"

She pursed her lips tight. "They just need somebody. I mean I'm here and will always be here for them but it's a lot for me to make sure they're okay all the time."

"I am gonna be there for them but it also doesn't mean that I'm suddenly in love with them. Friends help friends all the time. That's what you're doing now isn't it?" I said with a bit of bite. Now seemed like the absolute worst time to say it. I didn't want Eri to associate any feelings I had with sadness or depression. It wasn't really great to have the codependency going on. Just like I wanted to be in the right headspace before I jumped the gun, I wanted it to be the same for them. They needed to heal and recover- physically, mentally, emotionally. I just wanted things to be better.

"Whatever. Just man up and do it already."

"Quinn, don't blame Johnny for anything." Jae stepped in. "Nothing is any of our faults. People came into our lives and fucked things up and it's hard on us all. I know you're upset but we have to focus on taking care of Eri."

"Everyone has been hurting them. Every moment for them has been terrible this past week and I just want them to be ok!" Quinn covered her face, trying to block out a round of tears. "Eri, will you just wake up!"

As if on cue they stirred slightly, taking a few seconds to open their eyes and look around. All of our attention went to them as they tried to sit up. I grabbed onto their shoulders. "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. Take it easy." I said softly.

"What happened?" They asked.

"We think you passed out. Here, drink some water." Quinn said as she grabbed the glass.

I helped prop Eri up and they reached out for the glass with a shaky hand. The water was gone in seconds and it looked a bit more hopeful to getting them on the mend. I stayed on the other armrest and slipped my arm to rest on the back of the couch. "What the hell happened down there?"

They sighed deeply as if opening the wounds again was going to deal more damage than necessary. "It was hell. We were preparing for his death but my family was also ignoring that he was going to die at the same time. It created this weird vibe in the house. I had to do everything while I was there. Cook, clean, go shopping, take care of my sister, go to the hospital. I didn't sleep. I barely ate. Barely kept up with myself. My mom and I were arguing all the time over any little thing. She told me I was treating this like a vacation when I said I wanted to go to the beach. I was being treated like a child. I'm fucking 21 for Christ's sake. Anyway, I snuck out to a bar with Dani and my cousin Mari and got mostly hammered. My mom found out, we had another argument and when I got home, I don't know. I blanked out and collapsed. I hit my head on the pavement, hence the-" They notioned at the bandage above their temple. "From the sound of it I think I had a giant panic attack that lasted hours. I remember bits and pieces. Mostly vomiting and crying. I guess with my disorientation I ended up hitting my hand on the sink cabinet or something, which is how my knuckles busted. Then the next day we got the call that he died. I didn't want to go to the funeral or be around my family anymore. I called Quinn and they got me a plane ticket and then first thing I hear when I get back is that Johnny's missing."

Quinn shot a glare at me and I felt a cold shiver run down my spine. I was aware of what damaged I added and didn’t need to be reminded. “I’m just so sleepy and hungry and want to drink. Like, regular fluids not alcohol.”

“I can go get you food, I’m sure some fast food place is still open or I can go to the supermarket.” Quinn said.

Eri just nodded and yawned. “I’m sorry for worrying you.” They fell to the side, their head falling into Jae’s lap as he had slipped down onto the couch. Quinn and I stared at Jae and he immediately put his hands up to defend his innocence.

“Uh...I don’t know what to do.” He said.

“Just leave them there. They can sleep for a bit while Johnny and I get stuff. Just watch over them, ok?” Quinn commanded.

“Wait we’re going together?” I asked. I had never actually been alone with Quinn before and at this point I was afraid she was going to murder me.

“Yes, get your ass in gear. We’ve got shit to do.” She headed towards the front door and snapped at me to follow. I sighed and got up taking one last look at Jae and Eri. “Just...make sure nothing drastic happens again.”

He nodded. “Yes, yes, I heard Quinn the first time! I got this. I won’t let anything happen to your girlfriend.”

“She isnt my-”

“JOHNNY!”

“I’M COMING!” I yelled back to Quinn. I was reluctant to leave Eri but it had to be done. I hadn’t even had a chance to take off my coat so I sprinted after Quinn, closing the door shut behind me. “You know, I really didn’t mean to make them worry like that, or any one else for that matter.”

She whipped around and shoved her finger into my chest. “Well good fucking job, you did it anyway. You knew what they were going through and still decided to be a selfish prick!”

“Don’t you think I fucking feel guilty already?! Like sure, I didn't handle it as well as I should’ve and i should’ve at least told Jae but I didn’t want to speak to anyone. My literal abuser came back to make my life a living hell because, I don’t know, it’s her favorite fuckin’ game I guess. I couldn’t deal with it. I had to go home and just...center myself again.”

“I know what it’s like to have an abuser come back into you life. Trust me. But you can’t fucking block people out and then expect shit to be ok!”

“I know it’s not ok! All I do is block everyone out. That’s my thing! I already know it’s bad, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?!”

“UH, I DONT KNOW, HOW ABOUT YOU DONT FUCKING DO IT?”

“UH, I DON’T KNOW, WHY DON’T YOU MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?” I shouted back. “I know you’re pissed off because Eri’s hurt and I didn’t help it but yelling at me isnt going to fuckin’ magically fix everything that’s going on in my head and it’s not going to magically fix Eri wanting to die.”

“Don’t you think I know that?! You’re just- you’re so stupid! Sometimes I wish they never met you because all you do is play games with them and make them cry and you’re just shit all around!”

“I’m shit all around? As if you're so fucking perfect with Jae! There's been plenty of times that he's complained about you and you still do dumb shit to him!"

"We're not even dating! Besides, I always have to clean up your mess and pick up the pieces you leave behind."

"You don't know shit, Quinn. You don't know what we talk about or what we've done together. I care about them, more than anything."

"Then start fucking showing it, Johnny. Get your ass to the car. I'm done with you."

"You're just lashing out on me because you're scared and worried about them and I really don't need your bullshit."

"And I don't need yours. Glad we're on the same damn page." She stepped out of the building and into the parking lot, waiting for me to unlock my car. Both of us got in, slamming the doors and keeping an angered silence between us. This definitely was the last thing I needed. I was halfway tempted to leave her at the supermarket or wherever the fuck we we're going. She was lucky that I cared about Jae's feelings enough to be semi civil. I grabbed my carton of cigarettes from my coat pocket and lit one as I spurred on the engine. It was already becoming one hell of a long night.

--

Eri's POV

I woke up again though I wasn't really sure how long I had slept this time. I shifted and felt scratchy denim against my cheeks and wondered what I was laying on. I looked up and saw Jaehyun leaning back against the couch, messing around on his phone. I realized that I was laying on his lap and sat up quickly, a little too quickly as my head started spinning. “Whoa, you ok?” he asked.

I held onto my head as I tried to steady myself. “Yeah uh…why was I laying on you?”

“Dude, hell if I know. You just kinda passed out on me and I wasn’t allowed to move. That’s been your fave past time since you got back. Johnny and Quinn are getting you food and I’m babysitting.”

“Oh...great wonderful. This isn’t awkward at all.”

“I mean your head was legit on my dick. I’m not sure what you expected.”

“Don’t speak with me. I do not want to think about that.”

“Neither do I but here we are...also I think Quinn and Johnny are going to kill each other.”

“What? Fuck...i dont need them fighting. What happened?” I sighed deeply, knowing how protective and defensive Quinn could be over me.

"I think Quinn is blaming Johnny for making you worry more after everything that's happened to you."

"Jesus, it's fine. I mean I'm just happy that he wasn't hurt or lost. Honestly, it's the best news I've gotten all week. I know they don't exactly like each other but they don't need to blame Johnny for anything."

"That's what I tried to say but she's like a rabid mother bear about you. She wasn't really interested in hearing me out. I'm not saying what Johnny did was right but I can understand where he was coming from. Rixi fucked him up royally."

"Rixi? What happened with Rixi?"

"Oh right...she tried to trick Johnny into thinking she was pregnant to rope him into another relationship. It was a fucking mess and I had to threaten her just to have her leave him alone. He disappeared after that."

"Are you…" I didn't even know where to fucking begin. How could she even think that she would get away with that?! I balled my hands into fists not even giving into the pain in my knuckles. If I hadn't been gone I would've done much worse than whatever it was that Jae did. She wouldn't be alive. "No one is going to hurt him ever again. I fucking swear it."

"We feel the same about that then. I've never been so pissed off in my life. That's literally my family and you dont mess with my family. Trust me, I wanted to kill her too."

"It's just one thing after a fucking nother isn't it?" I scoffed as it was almost comical. "She's lucky I wasnt here."

He gently but awkwardly patted my shoulder. "I know. I'm kinda glad you weren't too...can't really bail someone out of jail for murder." He smiled at me and I realized why Quinn kept running back to him. Holy fuck, that smile was gorgeous. I felt my cheeks starting to warm up and I really didn't know why. Was it because he looked absolutely stunning or because I was embarrassed that I found my best friend's almost boyfriend attractive?

"U-uh...um...yes. Murder. I mean I would've murdered her. Not jail. No."

He looked at me a bit confused and even I had no idea what I was trying to say. "Anyway, uh…" he continued. "I'm sorry about your grandpa and all the other stuff you had to go through."

"Thanks, Jae. It means a lot. Seriously."

"You want like...a hug?"

"Slow your roll, homie. We're not there yet." I cringed away from him.

"Thank God. Ok. They should be back soon though. I'll text Quinn."

I nodded and stood up slowly. "Tell Johnny I'll be in his room. I don't think I can stay up for long periods of time."

Jae stood up along with me. "Can you walk by yourself yet?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry." I waved him off and shuffled to Johnny's room. It was still a mess from when I had been rifling through his drawers to try and find anything that might be a semblance of a suicide note. I ignored the mess completely and laid face down, getting caught up in the scent that lingered on his sheets. I pulled his comforter over me, settling into the warmth perfectly. I dug my phone out of the pocket of my hoodie and texted him.

Come back

I set my phone beside my head and closed my eyes, waiting for him to return. I didn't have to wait long because the next thing I heard was the door snapping shut. I peeked my head up from under the covers and looked at him. His arms were filled with fast food bags and a giant gallon of apple juice to which he dumped beside me. He chuckled off his coat and set himself in bed against the bedroom wall. "Can I kill your fucking best friend?"

I sighed and sat up. "Jae told me you two were fighting…"

"She fucking started it. I already feel like shit for making everyone worry but I had to shut myself off from the world, like it had to be done. I'm sorry it happened at such a shitty time in your life but bullshit happened in mine too. Like fuck! No offensive but my world doesn't revolve around you. I care about you, for real, but I'm trying to make myself a better person!"

I nudged the covers off as I scooted towards him to kiss him gently. "I don't blame you for anything Johnny. Don't you dare feel guilty over me. We're both going through shit. I'm happy you want to try and focus on yourself. Really happy and proud."

He sighed and set his hands on my waist, pulling me between his thighs. "It's fucked up, it's all fucked up." He whispered.

I nodded as I set my forehead against his, kissing him in an act of comfort. My hands trailed up his chest to rest on his shoulders and just as I was going to trace his bottom lip with my tongue he pulled away. "Eri." He said in his usual slightly dominant way. "Not now, you have to eat first. It's more important."

Not that I was making grand decisions in my current state of mind but a kiss or two or eight wouldn't have been so bad at this moment. I pouted as I sat back and set my legs over his thighs. He handed me one of the fast food bags which was filled with whatever he had ordered me. I hoped it wasn't something I hated, though if he went with Quinn I was sure they'd be able to tell him my usual. The scent of greasy fries and fried chicken hit my nostrils and I realized how starving I actually was. Because I had to do so much around my grandma's house I barely got to eat, even during the few days that she cooked. Her carribean food was the absolute best but I didn't have much of an appetite to keep it all down. Now that this junk was presented to me I shoveled it down in big bites. He watched me eat, his lips pressed together with a pensive look on his face. He seemed to have something on his mind and starting at me as I ate wasn't really easing my anxiety. "What?" I asked mid chew.

He opened his mouth, preparing himself to say what was on his mind, then closed it. I nudged at his side with my foot and told him just to get on with it. He took a deep breath before starting. "Quinn said we should take you to a hospital to get you checked out but was afraid that if doctors saw your injuries they might think it would've been self harm. I'm sure we could make up an excuse but she didn't want them to possibly institutionalize you."

I swallowed the food that remained in my mouth hard. "Abso fucking lutely not. I'm not going to any hospital and I'm for damn sure not getting turned in. Been there, done that, came out much worse. I'll stay here and work through whatever it is that's going on. I'll get better."

"Yeah but what if it doesn't get better and you have a serious illness?"

"Johnny, I'm not gonna die from not taking care of myself for a week. I just need rest. Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm not being fucking dramatic. I'm just saying…" He rubbed at his temple, closing his eyes for a moment. "If it does get worse, please promise me you'll go to get checked out? Please?"

"Yeah," I said defeated. "But not now, ok? I can't be in a hospital and I don't want to see IVs or monitors or anything." He seemed understanding of my answer and leaned forward to gently wipe my cheek of tomato juices from the sandwich with the back of his thumb. The look in his eyes held sadness and protectiveness and I was sure that even if I tried to deny him he would still find a way to make me go, even if it was just to urgent care.

He placed a tender kiss on my forehead. "I know, babe. I know." I didn't want to talk about hospitals anymore so I turned back to eating, making him follow suit. He swallowed down a few fries of his own before cracking open the apple juice and taking a swig. He then handed it over to me. "I got you some Gatorade too but I figured this could help with your sugar." I took it graciously and gulped down half of the bottle as my throat still felt like a desert. "I'm thinking about staying home from work for the next couple of days to watch over you.” He continued.

I choked on the liquid mid swallow and almost spat it out. Take care of me? He wanted to stay at home to be with me all day? “Johnny, you don’t have to do that…” I said, still unbelieving to his offer. “I have Quinn and this isn't anything serious enough for you to monitor me 24/7. I’m not dying and i’m not gonna try anything, i swear.”

He took a bite from his burger, stalling his response a bit  “I still want to do it.” He swallowed. “It’s not a big deal. You can stay here.”

“Um...don’t you think that’s a little...personal?” God, it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever wanted to do for me. He cared that much to stay home and take care of me, watch over me, and possibly smother me with forehead kisses. In reality, I wanted to accept the offer right away but I was still in defense mode given the constant replay in my head of him screaming that I would never be his girlfriend. Of course, it wouldn't be Johnny without those mixed signals of jealousy and possessiveness when I hung out with Josue at the quinceanera. If I did agree to stay with him it would get too intimate. Not exactly on a sexual level but on an emotional and mental one. That would be absolutely detrimental to my health and a definite hazard to dance around.

“Well, i mean...it would be the same as Quinn taking care of you because we’re friends, ya know?” He dipped his eyes down towards his sandwich as he didn't say more, or rather was holding back from saying anything else. My brain latched onto that word again. Friends. It was starting to become the most hated word in my vocabulary.

“Right.” I had to agree in order to not confess my feelings but my bad decisions were already getting the best of me. Through my already pain filled existence I craved to have my heart broken again. So I agreed to his offer. “I guess that would be fine. I’ll probably be asleep most of the time though so it’ll be pretty boring.”

“It’s alright. I need to get some sleep too. Haven't had much success lately. Night terrors are back again.”

I ached when he said that. With Rixi showing up again I was sure it had resurfaced some sort of PTSD reaction because of the damage she caused. Coupled with the absolute terror of being a potential father, I was sure his anxiety was making him roll down hill at the speed of light. I extended my pinky out to him. “I’m sorry…” I whispered. There wasn't much else to say at that point but I was sure he knew that I was 100% by his side. He linked his pinky within mine, squeezing a bit. I held up the gallon of juice between us. “Here’s to being fucked up.” I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

He ignored my quip and instead leaned forward, bypassing the gallon completely to crush his lips against mine. I almost got knocked backwards by his intensity that made my heart stop in its place. I secured the gallon inside the gap of my crossed legs and held onto his shoulder to try and steady us both. I hated how much I needed him but there was no way to even deny that fact any longer. He was a remedy I shouldn’t have ever relied on but his empathy and secretive caring nature generated value to the way he made me feel. It didn't matter how happy or sad he made me, my heart would still forever be the casualty. He parted from me then, for just a fraction of a second, his lips still hovering above mine. “Here’s to always being fucked up.”

--

It took a couple of days to feel like a functioning human instead of a hibernating zombie. I rebuilt my body's tolerance to fluids and electrolytes, getting them into my system as fast as possible. Eventually, I was able to regain a bit of energy and not spend so much time sleeping. I continued to devour every meal he brought to me as well. When I felt like I was able to move around without feeling dizzy or collapsing I would leave Johnny's room to join him in the shower or snuggle up on the couch and watch him play video games. Staying with him was even better than I thought it would be. I did get all the forehead kisses I craved but also all sorts of gentle kisses as well. He even liked to rest his head on mine as we cuddled. It was a paradise I didn't want to leave. I wanted to keep these precious moments in a delicate bubble, protecting it from being popped and exposing me to the harsh reality that we weren’t actually together. I shoved the negatives down as far back as my mind would allow and instead focused on the way he currently felt against my back. He was spooning me as we ended up napping in the middle of the day, a decision we shouldn't have given into but did so nonetheless. He was radiating his usual suffocating body heat with his face buried in the back of my neck. As i woke up fully I realized his hand was cupping my boob beneath one of his giant shirts I slept in.

I wacked at his hand trying to get him to release me, the sneaky little perverted shit. All he did was groan and hook his leg over my hips, partially rolling onto me. I grumbled as I was now smushed between him and the mattress, his hand still on my chest. "Johnny. Get up."

He remained still and heavy. I tried wriggling back against him, lifting my hips in an attempt to get his weight off me. He started to stir then but with a reaction I wasn't trying to receive. He started grinding into my ass, slowly but surely working himself up. I gasped in shock and vowed that when I scrambled from beneath him he was gonna get it. "Johnathan if you don't get off me right now I'm going to murder you."

I could feel his smile on my skin and I knew he was awake and just wanting to get a rise out of me. I puffed out a sigh and remained a pancake, ready to surrender. "You're going to smush the life out of me." I complained. As much as I loved how much bigger he was compared to me, breathing was pretty cool too.

He chuckled then, raspy, deep, and laced with hours of sleep. "I like crushing you and pissing you off."

My cheeks warmed at how utterly seductive the change in tone could make him sound. "Y-yeah well...you won't like it when I get back at you."

"What are you gonna do, suffocate me with your tits? Sit on my chest? By all means be my guest." He said slyly.

I wiggled my hips again. "Oooofffff. Please?" I begged

He responded with a grunt as his hand gripped my hip tightly. He steadied them and made sure I wasn't able to move. "Stop that."

"Then stop squishing me, you big werewolf! You're hot and making me sweaty."

He pulled away and rolled onto his back. “Fine, little brat.”

“Hmph, you started it.” I stretched myself out after having been cramped up against him for who knows how many hours. My back and shoulders popped and I sighed in relief before turning over to face him. I placed a kiss on the cheek and set my head on his shoulder. “We really weren’t supposed to fall asleep again.”

“Fuck it. We need it.”

“Do we? We slept like 12 hours the other day. Even though sleeping is my fave hobby we should probably like...breathe fresh air at some point.”

“No way.” He said, digging his fingers into my hair and scratching lightly against my scalp. “It’s warm in here and cold outside. I don't want to leave.”

I set my hand on his stomach rubbing the thin trail of hair there. “Ok, you drive a hard bargain.” I giggled and pulled myself even closer, this time planting a kiss on his lips. He smiled into the kiss while edging himself onto his side. His stomach pressed against mine and he rested his hand on my lower back. The kisses started out innocently enough; gentle pecks and the smallest of nibbles in between cute laughs and caresses. It wasn’t clear how the sweet tenderness turned into rushed clashes of tongues and teeth but neither of us were pulling away just yet. I felt his body digging into me as the hand on my back slipped lower to harshly grope at my ass. I whimpered against his tongue and tried pulling away to get some air between us but it was almost impossible to escape him. I clutched at his bicep, feeling the muscles flexing beneath my fingertips as he exerted his strength to keep me plastered to his frame.

Eventually, I managed to snap my head back, avoiding a bite to my lip. "J-Johnny," I swallowed harshly as I felt a prodding against my stomach. "You're poking me."

"I'm what?" He lurched his head forward, barely listening to what I was even saying. He was more focused on trying to resume our heavy make out session. I wedged my hand between us to keep him at bay.

"You're uh…poking me."

He stood quiet for a moment until it finally clicked in his head. He shoved himself away completely, leaving a drastic space between us. "Fuck…" He covered his face and groaned. "I'm sorry. You're not feeling good. I shouldn't have done that."

I sat up slowly and re-tied my hair into a chaotic semblance of a bun. " It's okay. I mean, I feel better now than I did when I first got back. I actually have energy. It just happened so fast. I was caught a little off guard."

"I'm super sorry, Eri."

I looked back at him."I guess you missed me that much, huh?" It was mostly a joke to lighten the air around us.

He removed his hands from his face. "It was the first time in almost two weeks that I had felt that again."

"What do you mean?"

"Like... I don't want to say just horny but like, more so comfortable in doing something halfway sexual. I haven't wanted to be touched in a minute." He sighed and propped his knees up, setting his arms on top of them. "We don't have to if you don't want to. Don't feel obligated to. I messed up and got carried away."

I shook my head. "I don't think you messed up at all. I know what you mean...it felt nice to feel that again too. Like that heat, that want, that drive towards something that makes you feel good and happy. The void feels a little smaller when I'm with you."

"Yeah," he chuckled lightly. "Something like that."

I nibbled my lip and looked over at him, tentative of my next move. His eyes caught mine and he leaned into me, accepting me into another kiss. It felt like we were virginal teenagers with how cautious we were being with our bodies now. Our rhythm slowed tremendously as his hands dove beneath his shirt I was wearing and worked upwards. I slid my arms out of it and let him toss it off the side of the bed. I pressed my chest to his, deepening the kiss as my fingers drifted towards the waistband of his sweatpants. I cupped him gently, stroking the outline of his cock through the fabric. The pain was still working through my knuckles but I ignored it, instead distracting myself with how he filled my palm. I circled my thumb over the fabric that covered his tip, pulling a damp stain to the surface. A small groan fell against my tongue and I felt him throb beneath my touch.

He exhaled my name making my thighs clench in anticipation. His hands roamed the expanse of my hips and stomach before easing up to my shoulders. He pushed me down gently and switched his attention to covering my neck with heated licks and fevered nibbles. My eyes drifted closed and my hand traveled to his hair, pushing it back gently as he worked over me. Kissing and rubbing every inch of my body seemed to be his newfound favorite activity and he spent a tremendous amount of time on my stomach and thighs. Having my stomach garner so much attention made me a little uneasy but he wasn't phased by it one bit, even when I tried squirming away. It made me shy to have him give notice to the area that provided me with the most confidence issues. I squeezed my eyes tighter as I tried to ignore my discomfort and focus on the way his thumb rubbed against the small dip of my hip bone.

Him knowing to tease that erogenous zone had my back arching against his frame. He shifted to rest his head between my thighs, wrapping his arms around them and working bites over that special spot. I tugged at his hair gently when the bites became too deep. He was almost breaking skin but sucked deeply to soothe the ache. My masochistic side jumped in excitement at the pain and encouraged it. It made the seat of my panties just a little wetter and my heat stir with desire. I pulled his hair harshly making him part from my hip. When I opened my eyes I saw him lick his gorgeous lips and dip his head towards my hand. His fingers were tattooing bruises into my inner thigh from how hard he was clinging to me and I noticed his hips bucking against the mattress. He was attempting to find solace in attentiveness I hadn't begun to give him just yet. He was placing me on a pedestal above him, wanting to bring me right to the edge before he even thought about entering me.

I pulled him down to my chest and licked from his collarbone, up his neck, over his chin, and finally to his lips. His mouth dropped open as he exhaled a soft breath and allowed my tongue to slide across his. I pulled it into my mouth, sucking it slowly and eagerly. He shifted to press himself between my thighs and moaned into my sinful action. He hovered above me with just enough space to have the damp fabrics between us meet. His hips stirred impatiently into me instead of the mattress now as his hands gripped at the bed sheets beneath me. I sucked on his tongue one last time before switching my tactic to tugging at his bottom lip with my teeth. He pushed himself particularly hard into my wetness as I bit down, making me gasp in surprise and call out his name. I splayed my hands across the center of his back, the small amount of nails that I had we're just enough to start splattering scratches into him.

He dipped his head by my ear and moved his left hand towards the beginnings of my panties. "Is this ok?" He whispered. I nodded quickly, the tense teasing between us almost becoming too much to bear. His middle finger nudged the center of my panties aside and made one smooth stroke from entrance to clit. "Why are you so wet?"

"Do I really have to explain that to you?" I huffed.

"No but...it's just...nevermind." His finger hooked around the panties and we shuffled through the awkwardness of getting them off while trying to remain entangled together. He managed to toss off the rest of his clothes as well, leaving us to see each other for the first time since I left. It had only been a week but it felt like months since we were connected. I smiled as I gazed down his toned torso to his hardness that sprouted from between those devilishly thick thighs. He fumbled with his hair, pushing it back then having it fall back into place. He was waiting for something and I wondered if perhaps he was suddenly having bad memories resurface. I sat up quickly, reaching out to him.

"You ok? Do you need a break?" I asked, concerned. He shook his head and took my hand in his, placing a kiss over my bruised knuckles.

"No, sorry I just blanked out for a second. I felt really nervous to be with you."

"Why? This isn't new for us."

"Yeah but...I don't know. Kinda feels different."

"Like…" I'm in love and if you touch me now I'll hate myself forever and my body will burn into nothingness? If you fuck me slowly and make me think about everything I crave about you I'll feel every part of my soul shatter and beg for more? If you even so much as utter my name with that voice thick with lust I won't stop cumming until you tell me too and I'd cry every step of the way? Yeah, it did feel different when you were in a one sided relationship. “What kind of different?”

He shrugged. “Just...different.” He kissed me, keeping me from prying any further. “Give me a sec, ok?”

I leaned back on my elbows and waited as he retreated to his dresser to get a condom. When we reunited he wrapped my legs around his waist and slipped his arm around my lower back, keeping my slightly lifted. Finally, after a long baited breath I felt him work his way through me, not stopping until he filled me completely. I pressed the back of my hand to my lips, trying not to cry out too loud. He uttered a whispered curse, keeping his body frozen in place as he adjusted to me instantly clamping down on him. It was like I was trying to pull him in deeper though there was no where else he could reach. His first thrust was slow and delicate, letting my mind sink into memories of all the times he'd left me unmeasurably satiated. My thighs crushed the sides of his torso as I tried to give him a signal to continue.

He took his time, brows furrowed in concentration and lips parted to release barely audibly moans and dirty whispers. The arm he had around my waist guided my hips upward, forcing them to roll in time with his movements. The slight angle he kept me at was enough to rattle my pleasure center and hit nerves that sent my brain into a jumbled mess. My hand moved from my lips and instead dragged his pillow to me so I could sink my teeth into it. My breath was just beginning to speed up and soon I felt ruthless bites all over my chest and shoulders. It was strange how he always wanted to mark me and let everyone know he had been with me yet he never claimed me. The brandings thrilled me anyway and I accepted them graciously.

One bite to the shoulder was the signal of his body waivering within his thrusts. He trembled through long pushes and pulls and the arm that supported him met the mattress. With him settling his weight onto me, my legs were pushed to the top of his ribcage where the head of his cock hit deep inside me, reminiscent to our heated fuck on the couch. I wanted that soft brutality again. He was rolling his hips now, his head dipping slightly. I could hear the beginnings of his hush grumbles but my heart slammed into the brakes when I processed what he was saying.

"I love-" he panted.

Oh god.

"I love-" a small grunt and a particularly pleasing pressure to a patch of nerves within me.

Oh god. Oh god.

"Fuck I love the way you feel…"

I almost let out a breath of relief. Of course he wouldn't say those three little words. Of course not, but I seriously needed him to shut up before I blurted it out myself and turned into an embarrassing puddle of pathetic emotions. I shoved him off me, our bodies barely separating as I moved to straddle him. "Just stay quiet." I cupped his jaw in my hand and gave him a flurry of soft pecks. "You know it's my favorite."

"Asshole." He scoffed and nudged his hips upward beneath me. I set my hands back to rest on his calves and let him take in the way he disappeared inside me. His controlling side got the better of him as I barely lasted one bounce before his hands grabbed at my ass, thumbs pressed into my hips, and him guiding me towards a more fluid motion. I could feel his almost predatory gaze boring into me; taking in the few droplets of sweat that made my edges damp, the stickiness of my cum spread between us both, and the way my chest jerked lewdly. His nails burrowed into my plush skin, carving marks that made me hiss.

He moved one hand between us to add pressure to my clit and yet it was almost like every bit of pleasure was ripped away from me.

How could you do this?

This soon? He's not even in the ground yet and you're fucking someone?

Have you literally no shame?

Don't you feel guilty?

I stopped my movements completely as the unforgiving voice hammered away at my brain. No, not now. Why would this happen now? Of all times?

Because you're an impatient slut.

All you did was think about him. You barely saw grandpa in the hospital.

I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the sight of him like that what was I supposed to do?

Then you run into his arms first thing. You're desperate for him. Too desperate and selfish.

"Eri?" My head snapped up and I realized Johnny was face to face with me. He had sat up, holding me in his lap, a look of concern on his face. "Did I hurt you? You're crying."

"I'm wha-?" I felt my cheeks and sure enough there were small streaks running down my face. Great, I fucked this entire thing up because of my overthinking and remaining guilt. Did I really have to feel guilty about having sex? It made my stomach hurt, like a weight settled in it and the acid couldn't dissolve it. "I don't...I'm sorry. I didn't even realize and-"

"What's going on?" He pushed a few stray hairs away from my face.

"I just suddenly...I lost it. I couldn't feel you anymore. It was just all suffocating guilt, like I shouldn't be having sex with you…"

"Why not? Do you not want to hook up anymore?" He said, rather sadly.

"No, I do but...I'm here, with you, and my grandpa's not even buried yet. Does it...make me a bad person?"

"Ah...um...no. I don't particularly think so. What else can you do about it? You don't have control over the universe or when people come and go. It's a natural part of life. And you've already been through so much. He would be happy that you at least took care of your family, even if your mom dogged you. You're not a bad person, Eri. You're literally the best. You make me laugh and scare the shit out of me all at once and we're super awkward together. It's okay to want to do something that makes you feel better. I'm not just saying that because I want to have sex with you. I mean it."

I laid my head on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead as he held me. He rubbed my back gently and let me have my moment in trying to figure out exactly what the fuck was wrong with me and what I wanted. "I'm sorry I ruined sexy time."

"Sexy time has its ups and downs. I don't care. But um...I am gonna say that having a sad conversation with my dick inside you is a bit weird."

"I know. Jesus...it's just comforting, please ignore me. You can like get out. I'm weird. I'm so sorry. It doesn't feel sexual at this moment just intimate and I need to stop talking oh my god. Please stop me."

He chuckled and set me down beside him, pulling out gently. “It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” He adjusted his pillow and laid beside me. He pulled the covers over us again and extended his hand to lay between us. “I’ll be here if you need me, for whatever you wanna do.”

“I have no idea. I’m so tired of crying. Like physically and emotionally.” I reached for his hand and we linked our pinkies.

“Then maybe just chill for a bit. Take another depression nap.” He smiled at me and I knew he was joking.

“Maybe. You don’t have to stay in here with me.”

He shrugged. “I’ve been with you for the past like 3 days.”

“Aren’t you sick of me yet?”

“Oh, absolutely. I mean how dare you be my little spoon and make me feed you and let you sit with me while I play video games. You’re a monster.”

I couldn’t help but crack a smile of my own. "I'm definitely sick of you with your giant legs always landing on me when we sleep, and your werewolf heat, and the way your hair sticks up all cute when you wake up, and your stupid forehead kisses."

"Pfft, I'm perfect and you know it."

"Yeah, sure, definitely perfect." Definitely.

"But in all seriousness, don't let it get to you, ok? Don't guilt yourself or else you won't be able to grieve right."

I sighed, knowing that he was right but still hating myself for it. It was going to take me awhile to even begin to shake that feeling. I didn't want it to affect any of my relationships, not just with Johnny. It would be dangerous for me to become a recluse and wallow in the damage. I had to at least try and get over this hurdle. I squeezed my eyes shut and smushed my face into the pillow, low-key wanting to suffocate myself. I felt Johnny squeeze my pinky a bit before rolling onto his back and setting his free arm over his eyes. Why the hell was he so patient and understanding? You stupid fuck, couldn't you go back to bring an asshole? Well...it wouldn't particularly matter anyway. I still would run back to him.

--

I couldn't really pinpoint how long I slept again. I should stop falling into those naps and tried to be active but depression liked to firmly sink its teeth into my sleep schedule. I was frustrated at myself all over again and tossed the covers off me, sliding out of the bed. I looked back, remembering that Johnny had been beside me, but he wasn't in bed anymore. I pulled on my night shirt and shuffled out to the living room, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I saw him on the couch,viciously button smashing on the right trigger of his controller. I didn't even have a clue what time it was. I padded over to him and stood by the armrest of the couch.

"Hey."

The controller almost flew into the air as he jumped up. "Fuck! You little shit, don't scare me like that!"

I ignored him and crawled into his lap, resting my head back on his shoulder. He sighed and wrapped his arms around me, resuming his rapid fire attacks. "Do you feel better or no?" He asked as he was calming down from my apparent jumpscare.

"I feel groggy and cramped up but I didn’t want to be in bed anymore. I'll just end up sleeping again and hating myself for it." I sighed.

"You wanna play after I'm done with this round?"

"Nah," I shook my head. "I don't think I have the mental capacity to."

"Aww but you love killing people and not healing me." He teased.

"Fuck you. I'm not healer. You can just grab the heal packs on your own. I'm tank. I'm always tank."

He laughed and kissed my cheek. "Whatever. I can still beat you."

"When we were on opposite teams I killed you six times...in a row."

"Listen, don't come for me, ok?"

"I’ll always come for you."

"Well," He smirked. "Sometimes you soak the sheets."

"Oh my god! Please stop bringing that up!" I wacked his chest playfully. "It was one time!"

"Two."

My face began to grow warm. "Johnathan, shut up."

"I think you were screaming ‘daddy’ at that point."

"If you don't shut it I'm gonna-"

"What? Beat my ass? Little Chihuahua. You won't do shit."

I pouted and snatched the controller from his hands. "Asshole. I'll show you how a professional does it."

"I thought you didn't have the mental capacity to do it." He mocked me, trying to make a high pitch voice.

"It's gonna shut you up to see how much better I am than you. Also, I don't sound like that."

"Mhm, you're such a whiny brat."

I gave him a death glare before turning my attention back to the game so I could ignore his jabs. I fired and dodged, landing attacks and ultimate shots and almost taking out the opposing team entirely. There were a few moments of standstill as they regrouped and charged towards my team again but I was ready at the front lines. I was leaning my body with each attack, bouncing a bit in excitement and wiggling my hips when I could tell I was close to winning. I always moved with the character as if somehow it would affect my gameplay in any way, shape, or form. "Eri...quit moving like that." Johnny grunted from behind me.

I shushed him. "I'm almost done hold on."

"Get off my lap then."

"Give me a sec!" I saw the word victory flash across my screen and I jumped up, sticking my tongue out at him. "You're lucky I saved you. You were dragging the entire team down and you can thank me for all the x.p you gained" He looked up at me, his hand covering the lower half of his face as if he was thinking about something. He eased a couch pillow over his lap and adjusted how he was sitting. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He cleared his throat. "You gonna play again?"

"Maybe. You were right, I like the shooty shooty death death." I pushed the pillow against his stomach and resumed my seat on his lap.

"Eri, no!" He protested.

"Shh, I'm about to start, the server just found a game. I gotta concentrate."

"Then don't move around so much."

"It helps me win! I swear it!"

He groaned and I settled myself against him, getting whisked to the character selection screen. I went back to concentrating, happy to have my mind clawing at something entertaining and time consuming. His hand laid on the armrest, drumming his fingers obnoxiously loud. I nudged his hand to try and get him to quit it as I landed a barrage of rockets on an enemy. "Stop that."

"Stop moving then."

"Are you really that annoyed with it?" I rolled my eyes. "Big baby."

"Yes, I'm very annoyed."

"It's just how I play, Johnny. It's no big deal."

"It is when you're on my lap."

"What difference does it make?! I-" I looked back at him. "Ooohhhh…."

"Yeah, oh! Off please!" He said, tapping at my thigh.

I stood up quickly. “Way to be a 12 year old boy.”

“Way to be irritating.” He kicked at my thigh playfully. “It’s not like im really turned on or anything just like...bodily reaction. I just didn’t want to upset you.”

“Why would I be upset?”

“Eri, you cried in the middle of us fucking. I don’t want that to happen again.”

“It was just a weird moment...a one time thing.” I sighed and exited the game before sitting beside him. “It won't happen again.”

“How do you know that for sure? There's no way to tell. You don't have to push yourself to do things."

I wrapped my finger around the hem of my sleep shirt. “I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself. I want to do it. I just don’t want to be wrapped up in my feelings."

"Then take some time to clear your head."

"I know you're right about everything. I even thought over what you said about not feeling guilty. I know I don't have to and that I really shouldn't. It was probably just from all the stuff my mom said, like I didn’t care about anything that was going on. But I care so much, maybe too much. About everyone."

"Sounds like you put others before you."

I kept my head low and tightened my finger around the fabric. "Well…"

"You take care of Lucas, you take care of Quinn. You held your entire house down while your family was basically falling apart. You take care of your little sister and hell...you've kinda taken care of me. Stop it, Eri. You know that you deserve to be happy right?"

"That sounds strange coming from you." I scoffed. I want to be happy with you, idiot, but clearly your idea of happiness involves us being nothing more than fuckbuddies. I sighed. No, he wasn't my only source of happiness. I had to remember that. I felt some semblance of the emotion when I was with my friends, when I was onstage, when I worked hard on my journalism. It was difficult to fully grasp the feeling but I knew what parts of it felt like. I needed to remember what it was like to smile and laugh. What made those reactions anyway? It felt like such a foreign concept now but I needed to force myself to remember. I wasn't ready to lay in a pool of my own blood again.

"Look, I can only be there for you as a friend but friends want each other to be happy. I don't really like seeing you miserable. When you were playing just now, I saw a bit of the old you come back. I just want to see you smile again." He set his hand on my thigh and gave it a light squeeze. "Know what I mean?"

"Yeah...what makes you happy then, friend?"

He seemed taken aback by my question. "Oh...hmm…" He set his elbow on the armrest and propped his chin in his palm. "Photography, I guess. Music...having time to myself. Waking up next to someone I love- I mean in the future! That specific part would be in the future! Like when I'm 30 or some shit…"

"Being in love is weird. I hate it." I said flatly.

"Tell me about it."

We both looked at each other momentarily then dodged our eyes so they wouldn't meet. We didn't say anything for awhile and the load screen music of the game was starting to make me feel like I was suffocating. "Johnny…" I swallowed hard. My heart thundered like a war drum. "I have to tell you something."

"O-oh? What's that?"

"Thanks for...looking out for me and taking care of me."

He burst into laughter that sounded like it was laced with unease and nervousness. "Oh, that's all?!" He shoved at my shoulder almost knocking me on my side. "Dumbass, I thought it was something important!"

"It is important to me, jerk." I rubbed my shoulder and grumbled. "I'm trying to be extra gay and tell you how I feel so it's not in my brain and I don't fucking cry anymore."

"Shit...sorry. It's just...not something I'm used to, even with all our talks. I know you thanked me for decking Matt in the face-"

"Defending me and protecting me from them ganging up on us." I reminded him.

"Ah...yeah, that. But um...I don't feel like I need to be thanked for it. It's just what people should do."

I got up and stood in front of him. "Just accept my thank you and shut up." I flicked his forehead hard and watched as he recoiled instantly.

"Ow!! You're so violent I swear!"

"You're just a baby." I kissed the red spot on his forehead and then gave him one on his cheek. I was planning on pulling away but he gripped my hand tightly, keeping me close.

"I am not. You're just a jerk." He smiled and pressed our lips together rather lightly. "A cute jerk."

"Well that's true at least." We both laughed and kept our smiles. "How's that boner treating you?" I teased.

He grabbed the pillow from his lap and hit it against my stomach. "Will you shut up!?"

"That's what you get for calling me splash mountain!" I hit him back with the pillow and he tried to work around my barrage of attacks to get a hold of my waist. He tried to pull me down onto the couch but I caught myself on the back of it, my chest landing against his face. "Good job, idiot! I almost kneed you."

"I'm ok with this though." He said, muffled.

I rolled my eyes and pulled away before I suffocated him. "I don't even know why I hang out with you."

He set his hands on my upper thigh, trailing upwards. "Because you- you're not wearing panties?" He said suddenly.

I looked down at the now pushed up shirt and shrugged. "No. I just rolled out of bed and put this on." I put my legs on the outside of his and sat down on his lap. "Perv. Are you turned on now or is it still just "bodily reaction?"

He reclined back and ruffled his hair away from his face. "You haven't done anything to turn me on. You think you wearing my shirt with no panties and bouncing around is sexy? Please." He said sarcastically and smirked.

"Nooo of course not. Why would that ever be considered sexy?" I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning in closer to him.

"Eri…" He hesitated for a moment and licked his lips, preparing himself for what he was going to say.

I knew he was going to say that he was worried about me but that's not what I wanted to hear at this moment. I'm sure our minds were on two different paths. Mine was focused on justifying our unfinished fuck though he could care less and he was focused on making sure that I was ok, a commendable and cherishable act yet my currently depressive thoughts weren't something I wished to focus on. "I'm fine, I swear." I covered his neck in rushed kisses to entice him into joining me. He grabbed onto the back on my neck and forced me away from him making me pout and simultaneously wiggle my hips against his lap. His stern voice was coming next, I could already tell. "Please?" I begged softly before he could even say anything. "We both know we'd rather do this then focus on our problems."

"Yeah but...we should stop that…"

"You first." I challenged. "If you don't want to do it then fine. I can get going. I've been here long enough anyway "

"Don't be like that. I don't need to pick you over fucking."

"I'm not saying you have to Johnny and I'm not saying it's the only reason I would stay here. I'm happy being in your arms and I have been for the past couple of days. I've loved everything you've done for me but you know this is how we feel good."

He sighed and squeezed me tight. "Why are you so damn irritating, babe?"

"You haven't gotten rid of me in almost four months, it's your own damn fault."

He chuckled as he placed his lips against my neck, sinking a bite in slowly. My fingers curled into his shoulder as I exhaled a whimper. He pulled away when he was satisfied with his mark he kissed it gently before trailing a tantalizing lick up my neck. "We should head back to my room."

"What for?" I turned towards him, capturing him in a flurry of bites and hungry kisses. My hands we already crawling towards his sweatpants, sliding them down his hips bones and waiting for him to break free.

"Didn't we learn our lesson last time? I don't need Jae bursting through the door and seeing you again."

"Hasn't he been staying at my place? We're fine. I don't care anyway. Come here." I finally freed him and lifted my hips, guiding him back to my entrance.

"Slut."

"Jackass." I sunk down onto him slowly making him moan instantly. He tried groping at my hips again but I grabbed his wrists and kept them by his side. "I have to thank you properly. So sit back and don't touch."

"Don't t-touch?" His brows furrowed deeply when I let my hips rise and fall on him, making sure every last inch disappeared inside me.

"Mhm," I groaned and let my eyes slip closed. "Let me do this. I'll let you control me later I promise."

A little growl surfaced which made me wiggle my hips eagerly. He was struggling with keeping up with my request even though he was trying. His arms flexed with tension as I kept him pinned. He could easily overpower me and toss me down to do whatever he pleased but he let me have my fun for now. I was too wrapped up in rolling my hips and letting the slight curve of his cock ride against my walls and send me into a fit of soft pants and moans. His thighs clenched beneath me and he used them to force me forward. I braced my chest against his as he pressed through the tightness and slammed into the deepest part of me. I rushed out a curse and dug my knees into the couch harder, feeling the fabric scratch against my skin.

"Take off my shirt, princess. Let me see you."

I shook my head quickly. "You're not getting away with-ah-ahh!" He shoved me forward again, testing my limits and bringing me closer to cumming way before I even wanted to.

"What was that?" I wanted to smack the smugness out of his voice but I myself was silenced by more bites flourishing against the weakest parts of my neck. My hold on his wrists was starting to falter and I prayed for my mind to lift itself from the lust fueled haze it was under to keep my strength up. But it was no use, his hands switched to grab my wrists and pulled my arms behind my back, using all the leverage he could to slam into me with frenzied thrusts. I pressed my lips together and nudged my forehead against his shoulder, silently begging for him to keep this heavy pace. His deep voice teased at my ear, murmuring my name and singing praises to how good I felt. For once he wasn't being cheesy or vulgar and every one of his sugary sweet words made my body flush.

I burrowed my face into the crook of his neck to keep myself from whining pathetically. Every once in awhile, as I rolled my hips with his thrusts, his girth would manage to brush against my clit and sends waves of gluttonous indulgence throughout my body. I caved in and moaned his name, straining through pleads of him to make me cum. "Maybe I'll make you work a little harder for it since you wanted to try and pin me down."

I shook my head vigorously. "N-no! Just let me-" He released my arms and threw me down onto the couch. The wind was almost knocked out of me and I struggled to paw at his hands that were grabbing at the sleep shirt and yanking it from my body. Once I was completely bare, he shoved his sweats down his thighs, not even really bothering to kick them off all the way. He was much more eager to toss my leg over his shoulder and rush back inside me, swift and deliciously rough. He was dangerous when he was like this, simultaneously punishing me for not giving myself a break or listening to him but also falling into our horrid pattern of fucking each other senseless when we were at our wits end. I was falling in deeper into an abyss that only he could take me to before I was swallowed up and couldn't find where he started and I ended.

He kept my legs firmly in place not allowing me to squirm or escape the overwhelming thrusts that drove me to insanity. I reached above my head to hold onto the armrest as my back bowed towards him. His hand switched from my thigh to grip around my neck. "We were around here last time, weren't we? Before I fucked you from behind and we were interrupted?" He smirked and licked his lips. "You came so hard, didn't you?"

"S-shut it!" I gasped and clutched at his wrist. My little wisecrack only got my windpipe constricted further. My eyes rolled back and I could feel the lightheadedness already starting to settle. My body clenched tight, my chest struggled to expand and my hold on him dissipated. The only thing I could feel was the sudden burst of ecstasy that always came when I was teetering on the verge of lifelessness. My wetness pooled around him, sliding down to meet the couch cushions beneath me. I tapped out then and his fingers unfurled from my neck. I was a trembling mess all over again and wanted to curl up. He let my leg fall from him and I pulled them both towards my chest. I gripped the edge of the couch as I waited to come down from my high but my peacefulness ended quickly.

Johnny spread my cheeks open, allowing him to see every bit of me. His hips snapped against my ass drawing harsh throbs from his cock and wavering mumbles from his lips. I could hardly stand the way he forced himself through every bit of my sensitive and sore body but I craved for him to feel just as good as I did. He leaned over me, delving his tongue into my mouth and sucking on mine greedily. I cupped his face in my hands, our moans overlapping as his thrusts morphed into sloppy chaos. His tough demeanor melted into his soft and sweet nature, blushing hard and keeping his eyes squeezed shut when he asked me where he should cum. I let him have his way with wherever he wanted, feeling the thick heated ropes fall into my lower lips, thighs, and ass. I sighed softly and listened to him catch his breath. He plopped down on the couch and relaxed while I remained still for fear of staining the cushions.

"Hey, shithead," I exhaled. "Gonna clean this up?"

He let out an exaggerated groan. "Do I have to?"

I sat up a bit and shot him a glare. "Johnathan."

He huffed and grabbed his shirt off the floor, wiping me down lazily. I rolled my eyes and smacked his hands away, opting to do it myself. "Big baby. I'm gonna shower, are you coming?"

"Yeah I will." He yawned. We both stood up though my legs were much more shakier than his. He pulled up his sweats from around his thighs and set his arm around my waist, guiding me towards his room. Suddenly, we heard the front door unlock, signaling Jae's return. We made a mad dash for Johnny's room and slammed the door behind us with just fractions of a second to spare. Both of us fell into a fit of laughter as we hoped Jae hadn't seen us. We weren’t in the mood to get griped at for fucking on the couch again.

"Quinn says you have to go home, Eri!" Jae said as he passed by the door.

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh…great."

"What is she your mother now?" Johnny scoffed.

"They're right. I need to get back to class and work tomorrow. I'm having my mom send the papers from the hospital and funeral to me so I can get excused and hopefully won't lose anything." I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him. "Will you drive me back since Quinn took my car home?"

"Of course. But first, shower."

--

I sighed as I stood in front of my therapist's office. I was grateful that she was able to get me in on such short notice but definitely not ready to spill out everything that had happened to me all over again. I knocked and she beckoned me in, greeting me with a smile when I tiptoed through. She had already gotten my file up and was clacking away at her computer as I sat across from her on the couch. I waited for her to finish, awkwardly staring at my boots and pulling off my heavy coat. I heard my phone ping and ignored it but it happened again and again and again. "Sorry," I said. "I'm just gonna check this real quick."

"Take your time, I'm just updating some stuff..no biggie."

I nodded and pulled up my messages not ready for the sudden round of next level bullshit that was thrown my way. Taeyong had sent me screenshots of some sort of group chat he was in. In between slutty emojis and jokes where pictures of me, naked, getting fucked, tied up, gagged, stuffed, anything, you name it. Yuta and Ten were the main culprits behind it but there were one or two that were posted by Lucas. The worst part was that I didn't remember taking any of these. I never sent any nudes that were longer than a few seconds on Snapchat, trying to keep my record as clean as possible. These seemed to be forced onto me without my consent and the way they were sharing them so carefree had me sick to my stomach. These three were supposed to be my friends, Lucas one of my best mates. Yet here they were thinking it was okay to spread this without my permission. My mouth dried completely and I had no idea how to even begin to respond. He sent me another screen shot of a message that was beneath the photos. It was from Johnny and read "How many more do you have?"

My heart dropped to the ground. He was interested in these? In seeing me like this without my permission? Another text from Taeyong.

Sorry you had to find out this way but I figured you should know. It was fucked up so I asked them to stop but then Johnny said that and well…

I don't know how much more they have. Do you want me to ask? Or do you want to handle it yourself?

I can help though. I don't want this shit getting out more.

I dropped my phone onto the couch and covered my face, ready to absolutely lose it.

"Eri, are you ok? What's going on?"

I pushed my hair back as the tears started. They felt hot, almost burning with every emotion I could manage to feel at once. "I'm ready to just kill myself."

[forestwater87]

Would you want Gwen and David to become a couple at the end of CampCamp? And adopt Max as well? Cuz' I do...

Gwenvid becoming canon is one of those things I simultaneously love and feel is unnecessary. The show will never let it be as pure and fluffy (or emo) as the fans will make it, anyway, and there is no force on earth that will stop me from shipping this ship with every ounce of my shriveled little heart, so I’m kinda ambivalent on the whole thing. (Besides, I know at least one of the showrunners is not at all into it, so I don’t see it happening no matter how much we may want it to. As long as they keep giving us little ship nuggets we can read way too much into, I’ll be good.)

Also I’m not convinced CC is the kind of show that needs an end, so “at the end” is one of those things that … eh, whatever. It’s an endless summer existing outside of time. Does it ever have to end, as long as they keep having new ideas?

As for the other part of this question … oh, boy. Anon, you did not ask me to go the fuck off on this question, but I gotta because I’ve been holding all this inside for literal years, and I don’t even care that this will make me hemorrhage followers because I’ve been very good and very quiet about it for a long-ass time and I just gotta –

I fucking hate Dad//vid.

And you know? I didn’t used to. My feelings, much like those regarding Cute Waitress, went from “how cute!” to “eh, not my thing but whatever,” and now we’ve circled all the way around to my entire soul lighting on rage-fire every time it’s mentioned, and just … I hate it so much … it’s just …

I feel like this deserves an explanation. And I think the people who’ve already blocked me or whatever aren’t going to read it, so let’s put it under a cut just for the sake of scrolling. But here’s the cliffs notes version:

1. It’s #NotAllDad//vid. There are some iterations of it I don’t hate, and even quite like.

2. David adopting Max, as a general concept, blows. There are exceptions – see #1 – but 99 times out of 100 I hate it with all of my hate. (The short reasons why: David is baby and Forest has Issues, it’s kiiiiinda racist?, and it’s lazy, boring, and way overdone.) 

3. The fandom will not fucking chill about it – at the expense of all other explorations of David and Max’s relationship. And that makes me highkey annoyed.

That being said, anyone who’s worried my blog will become a cesspool of dad//vid hate, please don’t be concerned. This is like lancing a boil of something (I’m bad at metaphors). All the garbage pours out in one massive textblock, and then I go back to being more or less chill about the whole thing. We’re dealing with years of repression here. Shit’s gonna be a lot more intense than it needs to be, and then we’ll settle back down to our regularly-scheduled CC fluff times.

I’m hoping this doesn’t make the fandom hate me forever … but given #3 up there, I’m pretty dang scared it will.

(And hey, I don’t want Cute Waitress to explode in a pit of fire and snakes anymore, so maybe my opinion on dad//vid will change eventually too. Always hold out hope, right?) 

1. #NotAllDad//vid

Like I said, I didn’t used to totally despise the whole Dad//vid thing. Like, I love the idea of David having been a counselor for so long that he just has ingrained Dad Instincts (see S4E14 for the most recent example of this). David as the Dad Friend? Good shit. David as the mother/father hen of his little cabal of campers? Very good shit. Nonliteral interpretations of dad//vid are usually really cute and fun and have some solid basis in canon, and I’m all about it.

Even some of the more literal David-adopts-Max AUs aren’t … the worst. Some of my friends have written versions of it that are original or at least were at the time and really compelling, and usually they found a way of skirting past the majority of the issues in #2. It can be done well.

It just … usually … isn’t.

And for that we gotta see #2.

2. David-Adopts-Max Sucks as a Concept

There is nothing good about the idea of David adopting Max, at least based on what we’ve currently seen in canon. 

(Yes, I am aware that I should couch statements like that with “in my opinion” and “with exceptions” and the like, but that’s a lot of work for this and a bunch of the stuff I’m gonna say in a second, so please just assume for the purposes of everything I put on this blog that it’s in my opinion. I’m not out here dropping Cold Hard Facts about Camp Camp of all things; I’m just spewing my feelings. 

I have lots of feelings.)

I don’t really have a cute little opening segment for this, so let’s skip the hors d’oeuvres and hop right into the meat of it:

David is Way Too Young to be a Father (According to Forest, Who Has Massive Emotional Baggage About These Things)

David is 24 goddamn years old. You know who shouldn’t be put in constant legal charge of a 10-year-old? Someone who is only 14 years older than him. If he’d had Max the old-fashioned way he would be too young to go on 16 and Pregnant. 

That is too fucking young.

I know that some people become parents that young, and even younger. I’m not saying your experiences are bad or invalid. I’m just saying, from the standpoint of being 26, that if one of my two-years-younger friends told me they were adopting a kid they knew from work, I would tell them they were fucking bonkers and to hand that child over to a grown-up immediately. This is especially true of David, who has remarkable emotional maturity but is also mentally about 8 years old. Gwen is the adult at that camp, and David is such a baby. 

Please don’t give the baby a baby.

Also, I’m terrified of having children. I never plan to, I’ve only recently accepted the fact that I don’t have to (grew up religious; it was kinda a whole thing), and get knee-jerk defensive over the idea of anyone my age or younger having children. It freaks me out, and that’s not a good or right emotional reaction to have but it’s mine, and I lowkey panic every time I think of David having children because if he should have a child at 24 then I’m already late.

Yes, I get the feeling that I’m running behind. For something I don’t actually want, ever. In comparison to a fictional character. Whose fatherhood decisions are not even remotely canon.

TL;DR I have issues and my other arguments are decidedly more valid than this one

So How About That Racism, Huh?

I know this has been a matter of some debate in the CC fandom for a while now … but you know what? It’s not nearly enough of a debate. People should absolutely be talking more about the potential problematique aspects of having a way too young white kid take a child from his immigrant parents on some pretty shoddy evidence (which I’ll address in the next section). There’s some White Savior stuff going on there, some negatively-stereotyping-poc-and-immigrant parents going on there … I’m not saying these should completely disqualify any dad//vid AUs or speculation or anything, but it should absolutely be much more of a conversation than it currently is.

(This is why one of the few David-adopts-Max concepts I like is one in which his parents have died. Not only is it more interesting – again, see the next bit – but it neatly sidesteps some potential gross stereotyping, and that’s just always rad.)

I feel like the common counterargument to this is that there are not-great parents of color and not-great immigrant parents IRL, so wouldn’t it be dishonest not to portray that in fiction as well? 

I mean … I dunno. 

I’m not here to tell anyone how to write the One Pure Dad//vid AU or anything. But I will say that I don’t think most people in love with this concept have done anything resembling due diligence in considering how best to sensitively portray the complicated familial, racial, and other implications of this particular AU or concept.

Besides, it’s not real life. It’s fiction, which means any decisions are being made deliberately. It’s a choice to depict Max’s parents as abusive and neglectful monsters who immigrated to America to give their son a better life but that’s for the next section, and it’s not inherently a bad choice, but it’s one that should be made thoughtfully, with an eye to the history of negative stereotypes that already run rampant in fiction. That’s just part of the writing process, and not one that should be shunted aside because it’s more work and less dramatic than creating the biggest of big bads for David to make grand speeches at and/or punch in the face.

Just Not Very Interesting (And Done to Death)

Regarding the overdone thing: Reading a David-adopts-Max AU most of the time is just like reading every other David-adopts-Max AU; I’m pretty sure I could put all these fics on transparencies, overlay them on top of one another, and still have a legible story because they differ so little.

Now to be clear: This – along with the rest of my points in this section – are about personal taste. Some people love reading the same story over and over again, and it brings immense comfort to them. That’s okay, and you shouldn’t feel bad about reading (or writing) these stories and not wanting to break your back trying to find a new angle for it. Cringe culture is canceled, and my personal tastes should not dictate the fandom. You do you.

That being said, I’m also allowed to be so bored by almost all of these fics that I nearly fall asleep scrolling the AO3 feed.

And the frustrating thing is, it would take so little to make it different. All it would take is asking: what if it wasn’t that simple? What if his parents aren’t all bad? What if they’re trying their best, but aren’t able for whatever reason to care for Max the way he needs to be? (I’m thinking Deja’s mom from This Is Us, for a cool example.) What if they later come to regret whatever behavior is making them so sucky, and reconcile in some fashion with their son? What if David and/or Max have fundamentally misread the situation, due to being on the outside and a kid, respectively, and it turns out his parents are actually making the best decisions they can in this situation and David doesn’t need to literally become Max’s dad, but integrates into the family in another way? (Seriously, even “what if they’re dead instead of evil?” would blow my mind in terms of originality. It’s been done, but not nearly enough.)

So that’s the overdone thing out of the way. What about lazy and boring?

It just seems to me that, based on the evidence we’ve been given in the show, there are infinitely more nuanced and creative alternatives to “Max’s parents are canonically abusive and neglectful and deserve to have their child ripped away from them by the guy who sees him at his job like 2-3 months out of the year.” I, in fact, refuse to believe Max’s parents are bad people based on the current evidence, and won’t do so unless canon forces me to see no other option.

Because as of right now, I just don’t buy it.

Didn’t show up to Parents’ Day: Well, we know they immigrated from India to escape “menial labor” (S1E4), and we know capitalism stomps all over the kind of people stuck doing menial labor, so what if they were unable to get away from work or they’d be fired? Hell, what if they couldn’t afford it for whatever reason – car broke down, they don’t have a phone or were out of data, they got hurt or sick or something came up that was interpreted by a small child as a lack of interest because he’s been shown that he doesn’t fully understand either adults’ motivations (all of S1) or the complexities of living in adult society, though he thinks he does (S1E4)?

Didn’t give him an activity: What if their grasp of English isn’t great? It’s a damn hard language to learn, and I sure as hell couldn’t pick up a second language if I was working to the bone to support my family. I’m exhausted trying to get through my 5 minutes of French on Duolingo, and I have a relatively cushy job and the benefit of an owl harassing me every few hours. Maybe they looked at the absurd camp activities and assumed they were misreading something, so they handed it over to their son (who is clearly fluent) to pick something he likes. Maybe they wanted to give him some responsibility and a sense of autonomy in deciding what he wanted to do for the summer, and he was so annoyed at being sent off to camp that he refused to do it and interpreted their hands-off nature as not caring. Maybe they were tired and just told him to pick something and it’s as simple as that, because parents are allowed to be exhausted sometimes. Just strikes me as pretty bizarre that they’d bother sending their son to a summer camp (and those things aren’t cheap, even one as not-awesome as Camp Campbell) but not be invested enough to give him the activity. Saving all year to scrape together enough money for a summer camp, sure, but filling out one line on a piece of paper? Pfft, who has time for that bullshit? 

(I recognize that assuming they’re poor based on a single line about “menial labor” might seem like a bit of a stretch to some people. But honestly, to me it’s no more of a stretch than assuming that they hate or don’t care about their son, or any of the other wild theories thrown around about Max’s parents all the dang time. At least this one is relatively new.) 

Sent him a sweatshirt and a short note: Again, maybe their written English isn’t great. Some people are better at a spoken language than a written one. Or maybe they didn’t have enough time to write a long note, or they knew Max wouldn’t read it (he doesn’t seem like the type to be all that into long emotional letters). Regardless, they knew to send him something he’d like that would likely be worn down by constant wear at camp. And sweatshirts aren’t cheap. Neither is mailing a package. Just seems like a surprising amount of effort to go to if they don’t care about or love him.

Sent him to Camp Campbell for the summer: Let’s say they’re poor, based on the evidence we have. It makes sense to assume that they work relatively “unskilled” jobs, or are in school, or both. Because those jobs don’t offer benefits or a lot of money, we can also reasonably assume that they either work multiple jobs, long hours, or both. They probably don’t have family in the area or even the country, and it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect neighbors or friends to take their son in all day, every day, all summer so he’s not home alone while they’re at work (especially considering he’s not all that easy to get along with). He’s familiar with the city (S3E11), so we can assume he’s grown up in an urban environment, which means he’s probably to some extent a latchkey kid. Sending him to a summer camp would get him out of the city, around people his own age, where he’d be supervised and kept busy while his parents are at work until school starts. Camps are expensive, but I imagine Camp Campbell might be the best they can afford, and they’d assume it’s better than him sitting in an empty apartment all day.

Max’s insistence they don’t care: He’s … ten years old. Not only has he made it clear that he assumes the worst of most people, including adults, but it’s also relatively common for kids whose parents worked a lot while they were growing up to interpret that busyness as a lack of interest in them. It’s hard to understand things like expenses or financial security as a kid and view it as “my parents are never around and so they don’t love me.” Hopefully when he’s older he’d appreciate everything they’ve sacrificed for him, but at 10 years old it’s expected he’d feel neglected.

I’m just saying, maybe a borderline emotionally unstable child isn’t the most reliable source, is all.

This isn’t rock solid, I realize; I’ve made a lot of leaps of logic and assumptions extrapolating from what we’ve been given. But I don’t see it as any less plausible than his parents hating him or whatever the prevailing fan theories are, and more importantly: it’s a fuck of a lot more interesting (yes, yes, in my opinion). I think adding nuance and sympathy to Max’s parents will always end up more interesting than “good David vs evil parents.”

Of course, we’re in a bit of a limbo since we don’t know necessarily where RT is going to take this. There is every chance they’re going to drop the bomb that Max’s parents are literally as bad as everyone has made them out to be – and worse. Maybe they’re actually Xemug. Fuck if I know. And if that happens, I’m gonna call it out for being the cheapest and least-interesting of the possible options. Bad, lazy writing that pits pure good against pure evil is always gonna suck, even if it comes from the writers of one of my favorite shows.

I really, really hope they don’t go with that (to finally, I guess, answer Anon’s question fully). And I’m pretty forgiving when it comes to things people hate CC for: Dolph doesn’t bother me, most of the problematic episodes don’t bother me (that pee one is still pretty rough though), but if they go the “Max’s parents are the devil and that is why Max is the way he is” route, I’m gonna … well, just be so profoundly disappointed that the showrunners could’ve done something interesting and decided instead to go for the lowest-hanging fruit, that’s all.

FINALLY:

3. This Fucking Fandom

So here’s the thing. Dad//vid is unique among the “ships” in the fandom in that it is deliberately placed as “the anti-Max//vid.” And I understand why that was done, and I appreciate it holding up that particular vanguard; max//vid has no place in dad//vid, and vice versa. 

But the problem with dad//vid being set up as the not-max//vid is that everything that isn’t dad//vid is suddenly viewed as “max//vid-lite.” Even when that makes literally zero sense.

See, even when I was briefly into dad//vid in its very literal “David adopts Max from Max’s evil parents” form, what I was really drawn to was the idea of David being Max’s older brother. Back when the fandom was like 100 fics on AO3, I had started planning out this long plot involving David taking on a brotherly role to this kid I thought really needed one. Admittedly I’m just a sucker for sibling relationships, but from the beginning I’ve been all about this brotherly bond, and so when a popular artist came up with the term “bro//vid” and it started gaining traction, I was all over that noise. There was finally a version of this relationship that wasn’t either “Max and David fucking” or “David literally adopts Max and becomes his literal father,” and I couldn’t be more excited.

And then … I found out that apparently “bro//vid” was becoming synonymous with “max//vid but secretly.” And … man, it really sucked to suddenly be treated like I was supporting pedophilia because I didn’t like the idea of David-adopts-Max as much as the whole big brother thing. I can’t even imagine how much it must suck if your favorite iteration of Max and David is something along the lines of mentor/friendship, without some sort of buffer of “well they’re basically (or literally) related.” Because if “these two as brothers” is max//vid-lite, then I can’t fucking imagine what that would be called.

And even when it’s not specifically about max//vid, it just keeps cropping up. I posted about the Season 4 premiere and expressed how much I saw a cute, brotherly relationship between David and Max, and someone immediately replied saying that they thought it was more like father-son. Which … yeah, fine, I don’t care if you see it like father-son, go nuts, but I am getting really sick of the fact that father-son is the only acceptable “ship” and everything must lean in that direction, no exceptions. (I know, it’s not a ship technically, but I don’t know what else to call it. Don’t read anything weird into me calling it that.)

I don’t think “please just let me enjoy these two and their relationship dynamic without making it pedophilia or insisting David adopt Max from his terrible evil parents” is that tough an ask. 

Or at least, it really shouldn’t be. But somehow it … kind of is.

And that sucks.

(Also, I hate the whole “Max is David’s favorite camper” thing. It’s not technically tied to dad//vid, but it does often come hand-in-hand with that and it just irks me to no end. If David has such blatant favorites, he is terrible at his job and kind of a douchebag. I think he gravitates towards the camper(s) who need attention the most, because he likes feeling like he’s made a difference, but I don’t think David would just straight-up pick a favorite like that, not when he has a full camp of kids who need him. Just saying.)

[punkscowardschampions]

Scummy GC

Charlie: hope you two are having a very merry sober holiday 😘 Ronnie: just say f u its shorter like Joe: yeah cheers mate 👍 Bronson: I'm gonna go with Feliz navidad bitches 'cause I'm multicultured and it's a bop 🕺🎵 Bea: Always said that about you, babe, bringing the much needed culture, Charlie bringing the class Charlie: she gets it! nothing but genuine festive feelings here kids Bronson: She's a smart girl, always said that about her 🤓🧠 Ronnie: yeah getting knocked up by freckles is well smart Bronson: Don't be bitter 'cause you're barren Karen Ronnie: 🖕 got enough kids to look after here cheers Bea: Stopped you making the big separate claims per kid so isn't an advisable career move for you, no Bronson: 😂 Joe: alright don't need a headache coming at me from this direction as well Ronnie: trouble in paradise? shocker Bea: Turning up and seeing otherwise would be too 💔 I suppose Bea: no need to act like we don't all know the actual problem Ronnie: that my invitation yeah? speaking for mummy dearest now you're playing at being one, that's proper sweet Bea: Just 'cause you're waiting for it to be written in blood Ronnie: or sweat or tears like Ronnie: I'm easy Charlie: this is exactly what I was after Charlie: creating that family christmas vibe, thanks ladies Ronnie: we all know you've got a boner for my ma and stepdaddy Charles the only thing that's shocking is you ain't there with that lot Charlie: shocking in what world Ronnie: the one where you're a step away from wrapping yourself up and getting on their front step baby Charlie: obviously there'd be no greater gift for you than to sulk all alone 'til dear joseph gets back Charlie: but I'm skint 😘 Bronson: Go on and keep pretending I ain't here, it's cool Charlie: OBVS you'll be coming too because you don't 💘 her as much as you love milfy, right ron? Bronson: I mean... 😉 Ronnie: only your backstory is a match for the princess' if we're going for the pity adoption though babe Ronnie: unlucky B boy Ronnie: we're in the cold this year and every Bea: and here's me thinking I'd missed this year's obligatory sob-story film Bea: tah for the recap Ronnie: gotta give you everything you want 💋 Bronson: 🤶💉 Bronson: You're alright, she had a dose of the clap last year Bea: I'm set, oddly enough Bea: and thanks, Bronson Bronson: Have I earned MY seat at the table? 🤞 Joe: crack that joke to my brother and you'd find out, like 😏 Bronson: Reckon I could take him, no offense Charlie: hot Bea: 🙄 Bronson: 🤢 Charlie: 😂 Bea: That all then? Bea: Merry Christmas etc Bronson: 😂 Bronson: Sounds like a Ma, doesn't she? Bronson: Busy busy 🐝 Ronnie: love you too 👑❤🖕 Bea: Obviously Bronson: It's been fun lads! 🙌🍾 Bea: Have to see you some time in the new year, yeah? Bronson: Text me and just me, like Bea: Will do ❤ Charlie: Bit rude when I've not seen you for longer but okay Ronnie: he means leave me out your text chain, yeah? Ronnie: can do Ronnie: don't fuck with stepford wives Charlie: you can dream, babe Charlie: 'tis the season Bea: If I thought I could trust you around pool chemicals Bea: still wouldn't hire you as my poolboy 💔 Ronnie: is it christmas without some casual racism? nah Bea: If I was being racist, I'd have gone with Bron Bronson: Always the bridesmaid Bronson: Thanks though Bea: Exactly, you're welcome Bronson: 🎁🎁🎄🎁🎁 Bea: actual gifts to come Bronson: I posted yours meaning you'll have it by July maybe Bea: 😂 Bea: hopefully they post it right back then Bronson: 🤞 Joe: have a good one 🎄 Joe: back asap Ronnie: be more of a walking greeting card mckenna Joe: think they're usually a lot more flowery than that Joe: but sweet of you to say anyway Ronnie: not how I write 'em but only got so much blood, yeah? Joe: I won't watch the post then Joe: noted Ronnie: don't Ronnie: disappointing you is 🎅s job like Joe: you'd never Ronnie: you wish Ronnie: there's enough loved up couples at your table baby Joe: don't I know it Bea: Could you do this privately Bea: don't need the notifications Ronnie: not coming for your incest 👑 relax Ronnie: you can still be the people's princess Bea: not taking your 🩸ties Bea: deal with it Ronnie: 💔 Bea: you cry more than my kids, honestly Ronnie: give 'em time Ronnie: don't know they're born yet Ronnie: plenty left to fuck 'em up and over Charlie: This is why you aren't being asked to be godmother Charlie: terrible speech, come on now Ronnie: nah it's 'cause you're the biggest fairy she knows Charlie: babe 💘 Charlie: that's more like it Ronnie: 💋 Joe: please don't put the idea of a christening out there Ronnie: gotta save 'em from hell somehow mckenna Ronnie: they'll already be living it Joe: don't start Ronnie: don't tell me what to fucking do like I'm your missus Bronson: Come and get your medicine, Grandma, maybe you'll calm down Ronnie: you either Ronnie: ain't too big to get sorted out Bea: Bless Bronson: NOW it feels like Christmas Bea: and all before the Queen's speech Bea: which obviously, we don't have to endure Bronson: Could be a record Bronson: The festive feels are definitely higher than last year Bea: don't act like you remember 😏 Bronson: Shhh Charlie: You ungrateful brat Charlie: I always do the best christmas Bronson: Calm down, dear, I'm trying to make Bea feel like she's missing out so she'll rush back to save Christmas Charlie: 💡🤓 Charlie: I'll 🤫 Bronson: I'm a smart boy, you should all be saying it about me, like Bronson: I'll pretend to leave so you can have a practice Bea: You're both idiots Bea: but you're both sweet too Bronson: We love you 💞 Charlie: yeah, thanks for letting me hit that before you got wifed, babe Charlie: remember it always 😘 Ronnie: and you pussies want me to shut the fuck up Ronnie: fitz you're the gayest it's hardly a 5 star review Ronnie: bet she wishes she could forget, like Charlie: how dare you erase me Charlie: RUDE Ronnie: you're still here and queer babe Ronnie: can't get rid Charlie: unlucky Ronnie: that's me Ronnie: stuck with yous Charlie: Yeah, yeah and our hearts bleed Charlie: seriously, get some more 🍾 in your glass immediately Ronnie: can be arranged twat 🖕👊💔🩸 Charlie: don't threaten me with a good time Charlie: already having so much fun Ronnie: it's not a threat baby it's a guarantee Ronnie: sit on the 🍾 and shut the fuck up, yeah? Charlie: I'm sorry, shoulda complimented you too Charlie: I remember you were there, don't worry Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: always was, hand and dick holding for you Ronnie: you ain't got enough sweet talk Bronson: 🤢 Bea: I agree Joe: same Bronson: You two are the real married couple Bronson: You're making the kids uncomfortable mum and dad Joe: get a room and a 💍 charles Ronnie: ain't getting one of you, Joseph Joe: not asking to be your third Ronnie: gutted like Charlie: Spring wedding? Charlie: 🌷 🌹 🥀 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Bronson: Bagsie Best Man Bea: Just don't clash with my christening Bronson: I won't let that happen, I've got you Bea: 💕 Bea: worry about them, no one would show Bea: 👑 Charlie: 😱😱😱 Bronson: 😂 Charlie: 👜🌄 Charlie: you ain't pregnant now, sweetheart Bea: don't all rush to defend my honour at once Bronson: I've just decked him IRL Bronson: keeping it Christmassy Joe: fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la Ronnie: you two wanna get a room after that love tap Bea: 💚👹

[heycoffeeatmidnight]

New York. Living room of Karlie's apartment.

"What do you want to do? It's freezing cold outside."

"Let's just stay here, drink our hot choco and cuddle the whole day." Karlie says, giving Taylor a cup of hot chocolate.

"I like that... Hmm, this tastes so good."

"You like it?"

"Like it? I love it!" Taylor takes another sip from the cup. "This is heaven."

"Well, don't drink it all. Leave some for me."

"Well, you should have made one for yourself, Karlie."

"I want us to share. It’s more romantic that way."

"I don't really feel like sharing, to be honest."

"Taylor!"

"I'm kidding. Here you go." Taylor says as she hands the cup back to Karlie.

Taylor's eyes wander around the room and one particular item catches her eyes.

"Karlie?"

"Mhm?"

"You haven't taken down your Christmas tree yet?"

"Babe, I was out the country, remember? I didn't have time."

"Excuses."

"I'm not making excuses! That's the truth."

"Well, since you mentioned about your travel. I just remembered - there’s something I wanted to ask you."

"Shoot."

"Remember when you were in Peru and I called you and Josh answered the phone? Where were you that night?"

Karlie is taken aback by the question. She puts the cup of hot chocolate on the table.She’s starting to feel a little nervous.

"I can't remember anymore."

"You're lying."

"Babe, why does it matter? It's in the past. Let's move on."

"Karlie?"

"Taylor?"

"C'mon tell me!"

"No!"

"Karlie, look if we're going to do this again. We have to be 100% honest with each other. Total truth. Can't keep secrets from each other. "  Taylor says looking at Karlie straight in the eye.

"You really want to know?"

"Yes."

"Ugh... fine! But promise you won't get mad."

"I won't!"

"No, you have to say it. Say 'I promise I won't get mad.'"

"I promise I won't get mad."

"Okay...So, um, I was drunk and I got a little crazy that night."

"A little crazy?"

"Yes, just a little."

"Oh my God... Did you sleep with him?"

"No!... Almost." Karlie says terrified of how Taylor would react but Taylor bursts out laughing instead.

"What the hell? Why are you laughing?"

"Because! You and Josh... I just can't imagine."

"Whatever, Taylor." Karlie throws a pillow at the singer’s direction.

"Why? How? How did it happen?"

"Because I was mad at you."

"Aww - you were so desperate." Taylor says, clearly making fun of Karlie.

"Stop it, Tay. It's not funny."

"It is very funny." Taylor says as she continues to laugh.

"Look, what if we did it and I got pregnant. Will you take me back?"

"Pregnant Karlie Kloss. Hmm, that would be quite a sight."

"Come on tell me, will you still love me?"

"Of course, I'd still love you."

"But will you love the baby as your own?"

"You know I love kids, right? But a baby Kushner? I don’t know.”

"Taylor!"

"Yes, of course I'll love your baby as my own.” Taylor says, smiling. “Wait, what if I got pregnant? Will you love my baby as your own?"

"Depends on who the father is... If that Joseph guy – maybe not."

"You're mean!"

"No, I’m kidding. Of course I will love your baby as my own – whoever the father is. Aww little Taylor. So cute. Come here.” Karlie leans in and gives Taylor a quick kiss on the lips.

"It's January, babe. Seriously, we need to take down your tree." Taylor says as she breaks the kiss.

"You're not letting this up, are you?"

"No."

"Okay, fine."

___

"Good God, Karlie! Why do you still have all these gifts here? You should send them out." Taylor says as she looks at all the unsent gifts under the Christmas tree.

"Yeah, I know. I just didn't have the time."

"You're always procrastinating."

"I do not. That's not true. I was really busy and I was traveling, too."

"Sounds procrastinating to me. Send these out today."

"Today? The weather's terrible."

"Okay then, end of the week. These should all be gone by the end of the week. No extension, young lady.”  

"Geez, you sound like my mom."

Taylor notices a gift that has a card on it that says "For Taylor.”

"Is this for me?"

"You're the only Taylor in my life so yes that's for you."

"Aww, you have a gift for me?"

"Yeah. I totally forgot about that."

"You bought me a Christmas gift.”

"Yeah, babe."

"Aww... But why?" Taylor asks.

"What do you mean why? I wanted to."

"But we were broken up."

"I know... but I wanted to give you something. Come on, open it!"

"No!"

"No?" Karlie says, confused. 

"I didn't buy you anything." Taylor says with a sad look on her face. 

"That's fine, babe. You didn't have to."

"No, but you bought me one. I feel bad... I need to give you something."

"Tay, this is not a competition. Don't worry about it. Seriously, you don't have to. I have my gift right here." Karlie says, gently tapping Taylor's nose.

"No, it's not the same."

"Tay, seriously it's not a big deal."

"Oh wait, I have an idea! Wanna hear it?"

"Pretty sure you're going to tell me anyway."

Taylor punches Karlie's arm.

"Ouch, I'm kidding. Go on. I wanna hear it."

"Let's recreate Christmas!"

"What?"

"Come on! I feel bad that we didn't get to spend Christmas and New Year together. Don't you feel bad? You still have your tree up anyway. Let's have a late Christmas slash New Year celebration! What do you think?"

"Um, sure. Whatever makes you happy, babe."

"You're not excited?" 

"I am. Of course, I am! See, I’m beaming with excitement.” Karlie says, grinning exaggeratedly. 

"Great! I'll cook dinner."

"What do I do?"

"Bake something."

"Okay, I can do that."

"But first, I need to buy you a gift."

"Tay. I told you, you don't have to."

"But I want to! Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents... and it's not fair that you got me something and I didn't."

"It's freezing cold outside. I won't allow you to go out under this horrible weather."

"Who says anything about going out? I’ll do it online. I need to borrow your laptop."

"Now?"

"Yes, Karlie, now."

"Ugh, you're so stubborn!"

____

Karlie's bedroom.

"How long are you going to do that? It's been an hour." Karlie says impatiently.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. I have a timer."

"I want to give you something special. Aren't you happy I'm making an effort here?" Taylor says, looking seriously at the laptop monitor. 

"Well, I told you, you don't need me to buy anything."

"Almost done. Promise."

"You said that 20 minutes ago.'

"This time for real. I promise."

"Whatever." Karlie gets up from the bed and heads towards the door. 

“Hey! Where are you going?"

"Downstairs. I'm not wanted here."

Karlie leaves the room.

"I told you I'm almost done." Taylor shouts out.   

_____

Living room. Karlie is sitting on the couch, reading a book. 

Taylor enters the room, smiling.  

"I'm done! I ordered your gift and it will be delivered today."

Karlie ignores her.

"Karlie, I said I'm done. Your gift will be delivered today."

“’Kay.” Karlie responds curtly 

"Aww someone's upset. My girlfriend is upset. Hey, come on. I'm sorry it took longer than I expected. I really just wanted to find the right gift for you."

Karlie continues to ignore her.

"Karlie, don't be mad please."

"I'm reading, Taylor."

"Not anymore." Taylor grabs the book from Karlie.

"Taylor! Give me back my book. That's rude!"  Karlie says getting up from the couch.

"You have to get it from me."

“I’m stronger than you."

"Well, prove it." Taylor says.

Karlie tries to snatch the book from Taylor’s hands but Taylor won’t let go. 

“Let go, Taylor!”

“I won’t”

They get into a tussle and a tug-of-war over the book. Karlie wins. 

"God, you’re strong.” Taylor says, catching her breath. 

"I told you! You don't mess with one Karlie Kloss." Karlie says as she sinks back into the couch. 

"Are you still mad at me?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. If you can spend one hour ignoring me. I can do the same."

"Ah! So you're punishing me. I see what you're doing."

Karlie goes back to reading.

"You're really going to ignore me?"

"Yes."

"Even if I strip naked?" 

Karlie tries hard not to pay attention to her. 

"Karlie, I'm taking off my top... Karlie, babe, look. I took off my top." Taylor teases. 

Karlie ignores her and continues to read her book. She knows Taylor is teasing her. She didn't really take off her top.

"Okay, fine. You win. I'm sorry... I'm sorry I kept you waiting for an hour."

"More than an hour." 

Taylor sits beside Karlie and puts her head on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Don't be mad anymore."

How can I possibly be mad at you when you're being cute like this? Karlie thinks to herself but decides not to say anything. 

Taylor suddenly shifts her position to face Karlie. She climbs on her lap, straddles her legs on both sides and wraps her arms around Karlie’s neck.   

"What are you doing?" Karlie asks visibly surprised by this turn of event. 

"This whole ignoring me thing is really turning me on." Taylor says as she stares deeply into Karlie’s eyes.

"Taylor—"

"Shh..." Taylor says and soon her fingertip traces Karlie's lips. 

Karlie, still unsure of what’s happening, finds herself slowly parting her lips as Taylor brushes her fingertips lightly over her lower lip. She tries to suck her finger into her mouth but Taylor pulls away. Karlie’s body tightened with want. 

"Still ignoring me?" Taylor asks.

Karlie looks at her and smile.”You've got my full attention now." 

Taylor leans forward and kisses Karlie deeply into her mouth. Karlie reciprocates kiss for kiss.

(Note: I am glad that people continue to read this fic even though I haven’t updated it in ages! I am genuinely touched by your feedback and messages so I decided to update this story! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I didn’t spend a lot of time proofreading this so I apologize! But thank you so much for reading my blog! I love Taylor and Karlie so much and wish them a happy ending IRL!) 

[serenagaywaterford]

5) Honestly, imo it would made a lot more sense if Serena got involved with the Resistance after 2x08. She's a writer and a good propagandist, June's an editor, they could carefully go behind Fred's back. Also, Commander Lawrence is there. They could have brought down Gilead from within. Maybe I'm being simplistic, but I think it would have given a nice msg. An instigator (and impassioned supporter) of a misogynistic (and homophobic) totalitarian regime becomes a victim herself, but decides to

6) to do sth about that monstrous situation she created, even if that means that she will go down with Gilead. Then again, I do understand why the creators didn't go there. This is the handmaid's tale, not the redeemed fascist's tale. Regarding 2x10, oof. I pride myself in having a hard stomach, but that scene made me REALLY, REALLY uncomfortable (and ENRAGED). (A lot more uncomfortable than the previous ceremonies, which were terrible enough on their own, AND Eden's death* .) And given that

7) Serena has the gall to tell Fred that June hates him, because he raped her. Like bitch, stfu, it was YOUR idea! You raped her and used Fred for the penetration. And not only that, but she manipulated Fred/played him like an instrument. She knows at this point that he's a serial rapist/abuser AND in love with June, so ofc he wouldn't decline the opportunity to abuse her once again. It really is telling that June was screaming Serena's name, not Fred's. I wonder wtf was going on Serena's mind

8) to put the baby's life in danger. She could have punished June after the birth if she really wanted to. That being said, I personally think that Serena was kind of OOC in that episode. Not because she's an angel that is not capable of such hideous things. But, after taking under consideration 2x08 and 2x09, I felt that her 180° change came out of nowhere. Especially, since she took a small taste of her own medicine. She knows what abuse/domestic violence feels like. As for the marital rape,

9) it may have been clichéd, but it would also have made sense. A person that repeatedly rapes a woman, beats his wife and is okay with mutilations draws the line at forcing himself on her? Since when do creepers have standards? One last thing, because I've spammed you enough. *I mentioned Eden's death (which made me cry like a baby). How do you feel about her? Bc was disappointed that the fandom blamed a 15 year old child that was forced to marry a man twice her age. Not only that, but she

10) forgave him and kept Nick and June's secret? // END OF RANT // My apologies.

---------

I think I have to put a read more here! Eep!

“Then again, I do understand why the creators didn't go there. This is the handmaid's tale, not the redeemed fascist's tale.”

I had to laugh IRL there. Cos, it’s true. It’s June’s story, technically speaking, not Serena’s. And I dunno but I feel like I suspect that’s where they eventually want to take the show. But S2 is too early for that? I personally don’t know why. There’s no law an American programme must go one for 14 seasons. It could easily be a 4 season series. Or 3! But I’ve read things that Hulu wants to keep it going as long as possible. Huge mistake, imo. Organically speaking, Serena changing course after 2x08, or even, at a push, 2x09 would have made much more sense than this “will she? won’t she?” BS they keep doing with her. I think she’s come around in a way she hadn’t before by the finale (or Eden’s murder). But it still doesn’t seem like it’s something she’ll carry through with--especially without June. It’s interesting how much Serena relies on June for incentive/encouragement. Basically everything Serena’s done in resistance since mid-S2 has been because June has done or challenged her or said something to prompt her. I feel on her own, she would be ~meeker. Even things like, “Hey, so I know this way to possible save the baby... what do you think?” is clearly her going “Please say what I want to hear!” It’s like she can’t just do it herself. She needs June’s input. June was calling almost every shot in 2x08. In 2x09, when left to her own devices, Serena folded. It took June screaming at her in 2x13 for her to do anything about reading. So, without June around I feel like Serena will just go back to old ways. Which is ridic cos she is an intelligent, powerful woman when she actually has the balls. The only thing Serena manages to do on her own is assault, hate speech, and war crimes lol. The easy shit.

That said, I kinda like how they ended 2x08. I loved Fred seeing the rose on June’s bedside and putting all the pieces together and seeing that as the true threat: Serena and June as friends/partners in rebellion. The beating scene was horrific too, mostly cos I’m not one of those weird fans that was sitting there cheering, “YAY I’M SO GLAD SERENA GOT BEAT! SERVES HER RIGHT!” (I just... want to throttle every single person who’s said that. Not necessarily cos I wuv woobie Serena sfm but because way to miss the point of the entire series.) but the aftermath was even worse, imo. June reaching out and attempting to maintain the bond, but Fred managed to break Serena really easily. Like it’s just so awful how easy it was for him to snap that bond, cos he knows his wife and her pride, etc. It was ... so manipulative and evil genius. (Although it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, Freddie boy.) It was just such a prime example of exactly how they maintain power in Gilead and how they managed to get it working: estranging women from each other. And it was just such an apt way of visualising the concepts June talked about in S1 about keeping women at arm’s length of each other, suspicious, etc. in order for men to keep power. So, in that sense, I thought it was well done. But then... I was like, “OH FUCK THIS. NOT AGAIN. FUCKING SERENA. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT. WHY CAN’T SHE BE STRONG LIKE JUNE. UGH.”

I dunno.

Yeah. 2x10. I was “lucky” to have seen that scene ahead of time... so I was prepared when it happened during the episode. But it was still repulsive. Aside from the nonsensical writing of the whole thing, it was just gross. And I think maybe you’re the first person that when talking about this has mentioned how grossed out you are by the other Ceremony scenes. So many people just... don’t really mention them. I remember the article about 2x10 and how the showrunners were saying something along the lines of “Is it really that big of a deal when the same thing has been happening the entire time?” Nobody reacted the same way those times, because the Handmaids are quiet and well-behaved during their rapes, even though, on some level I think Serena and some other wives (IIRC) are completely aware of how terrible it is (Serena even admits as much...but does it anyway uuuggghhhhh.) This is the only time June ever fights back and suddenly not only are Fred and Serena faced with the brutal reality of the act but as the audience we are as well. It’s easy to look the other way when nobody is crying or struggling but WHAM. Fuck that. This is gross and horrible and here is what it REALLY is. And it’s hard to swallow.

June crying Serena’s name was probably the absolute worst part, cos it just makes it crystal clear that everyone knows exactly who is responsible for that rape. June knows who has the power, whose idea it was, and she knows the only one to stop it is not Fred. (God, I fucking hate Fred but like you said, he was totally played by Serena. I don’t let him off the hook for it but really it was her idea, 100% and he just thought “Hell yeah! Sounds good!”)

I feel like as much as Serena understood the Ceremony is pretty bad generally, I don’t think she recognised it as “real” rape until that moment. I feel like a lot of those Gilead people are just so willfully blind and selfish and horrible that they actively refuse to see things. Like Serena’s weird ass enthrall about child brides. I know some of that was to get back at June but she seemed genuinely awed by how beautiful it all was. NO BITCH IT’S NOT. IT’S CHILD ABUSE AND SEX TRAFFICKING. 

I just have given up trying to understand why Serena would do such a monumentally STUPID and DANGEROUS thing if she honestly cared about the baby--which, incidentally, I do believe she truly loves Nicole and babies. As crazy as that is. Even if her love of Nicole specifically is totally a self-centeredness. But she loves babies. Babies above all else apparently, including other women. And she’s not an idiot. Baby health aside, that is a HUGE crime in Gilead to rape a pregnant Handmaid for any reason. I’m supposed to believe Serena is just so massively upset about June’s false labour that she goes mentally insane, even after being subjected to the similar treatment like a week earlier? It’s a huge, nonsensical risk on basically every single level. 

I’ve come to the conclusion, considering all those things you did, it was just bad writing. Her 180 just... is bonkers. I give up. I don’t think there’s any way to logically get from 2x08/09 to 2x10 without taking some leaps. Do I think Serena would punish and abuse June for humiliating her? Absolutely. That’s her MO. She lives for that shit. But rape? It... I dunno again. Fucking weird. I don’t know if it’s on purpose or what, but I do find it interesting that after that Serena never raises a hand to June again, when she had some opportunity. She still punished her by separating her from Nicole but she never physically assaults her again. (Not that I’m saying she’s a changed person or anything. I just thought it was curious but I don’t know if it was deliberate on the show’s part or just a symptom of lack of real opportunity.)

ITA re: the marital rape too. I see no reason Fred wouldn’t escalate to that. It’s all Joseph Fiennes fault. Which is probably what pisses me off the very most. He decided that was just too much for his character? C’mon. That’s too much but what Fred does in the next ep is peachy keen? Oh, right, because in 2x10 we can blame Fred’s behaviour on his evil wife. It’s not really his fault. I see. But you can’t blame Serena for him raping her. Ugh. So, cos, Fiennes doesn’t like it, we lose way more context for Serena--who, lbr, is the more important character in this whole series out of the two of them.

EDEN. OMG BB EDEN.

I’m with you. I was actually pretty disgusted at fandom’s response to her. SHE IS A CHILD. But all these Nick/June shippers were going hogwild attacking her for getting inbetween their precious self-insert fantasy relationship. (I have a particularly low opinion of Nick/June shippers primarily because of their reactions to Eden, tbh. Before that, I was like whatever, each to their own.) This is a story about women and girls in a horrible society, and the focus seemed to be on tearing apart this female child for something she had zero control over. I never got the “Eden is evil and gonna fuck shit up for Nick (and June)!” vibe. She seemed to be a regular girl caught and raised in a misogynistic awful place and just lost. I absolutely ABHORRED the way Nick treated her the entire fucking time. (I honestly hate him so much, and most of that again is due to him since the forced marriage, both in the way he was with Eden and with June. And the number of fangirls fanwanking away all his shitty fucking behaviour and throwing Eden under the bus didn’t help my attitude.) 

She’s a KID. FORCED TO MARRY A GROWN MAN. A man who it wouldn’t kill to just be straight up with her and a little bit kind. Fuck. (Serena’s grooming certainly wasn’t good either. Like, seriously lady, shut up. Stop pressuring the kid to fuck an adult man who hates her by telling her “Well maybe you can like it too!” AHHHHH.)

To me, aside from the babies/children, Eden was the most truly good character on the entire show. She was patient, kind, caring, FORGIVING, loving. Completely innocent bb girl. And then she gets fucking murdered for kissing a boy she actually likes and wants to be with. Which, was ........... wow. Gilead’s hypocrisy killing a pious young girl, presumably fertile... Yikes.

And that little girl was more brave than ANY other character. And maybe some of that is teenage thinking but still she was staring down death and refused to back down. Sure, it’s unreasonable, and an adult likely wouldn’t have made that decision... but also what was her option? Repent... and become a Handmaid? That would have been her fate since she’s an adulteress and fallen woman. And since she truly believes in goodness, and God, and Heaven (presumably), she sees it as a way for her and Isaac to be together. Meanwhile, it took a literal death sentence for Nice Guy Nick to actually recognise he could have maybe been a bit kinder to her. Then she’s asking for HIS forgiveness. AH. Eden bb.

I have a lot of feelings about Eden, and the way fandom treated her. Even when she was killed, fans were still calling her stupid and annoying for her choice--likely the ONLY real choice she has EVER had for herself. (I think that concept gets forgotten.) Like WTF sort of world do you live in that you watch a show about fascism and female oppression and turn around and bitch out the YOUNG GIRL strictly for being a young girl in a fascist society?

But hey, this is the same fandom that calls Janine annoying and crazy, and says Serena deserves to be beaten and mutilated by her husband/Gilead. Way to miss the point of the entire show. But that’s a totally other rant for another time, heh.

Also, anon, NEVER APOLOGISE FOR YOUR RANTS. They are so wonderful to read cos I completely agree! And it’s just such a relief to see reasonable people around these parts. 

[sceawere]

We’ve lost more than just the plot: my thoughts on the season 4 finale

I have a lot of problems with this season. I have problems with characterisation. I have problems with storylines. I have problems with the way things were shown (I’m looking at you, informed consent).

But last episode was so good! The Luca/Alfie scene was one of the best pieces of television I’ve had the pleasure of consuming. So, there were problems, but I went in with high hopes because, you know, it’s Peaky Blinders, and I love it, so I ignored stuff. But how am I supposed to ignore that raging inferno of a dumpster fire that was the finale. Look. I’m so mad I’m using Americanisms. On that note, give me a Changretta spin off because we deserve it.

A lot of the arguments I make here are going to circle back to a few main points which can be covered by various subtitles such as: ‘Holy Fuck, is someone going to jump a shark in the cut at some point?’, ‘Tommy Shelby is a 4D chess master, except he hasn’t told anyone else where the board is kept’, and ‘Why?’.

This is rambing and probably at times confusing but bleh. Let’s begin.

-

Major shout out to dorahog for her comment where she said that it seemed very truncated – I think the events of the finale should have been spread over at least two episodes, and maybe three. A lot of the tying of the knots to me still left loose threads and didn’t really seem complete.

I think this, and some of the editing as a result is what causes some of the major problems I have with the episode. Lots of rushed finishing off to introduce too many new lines, idk. Anyway, I’m going to walk through it pretty much scene by scene, so buckle in.

We spend at least the first quarter (in terms of irl play time) of the episode at the boxing match. I was pumped. It was great. The Gold’s are my new faves, and while I may try to present myself as a refined you know, whatever, I love watching two people kick six shades of shit out of each other in a semi controlled manner any day of the week.

Even better when everyone is wearing sharp tailoring and it was someone’s entire job to light the place fantastically. I was about to write an ode to the costumes and props people but then I got a shot of Abbeys wig and the feeling swiftly fled.

Still, I will give the editing people props for this particular section. The pacing was great, the frenetic activity, the flicking back and forth between sets. Here, the editing was spot on. It built up the feeling of not only the excitement, but a sense of panic. Arthurs paranoia really seeped into me and I was on edge about whether Bonnie might be just a little over his head.

Since I’m going to reference pay off recurrently, I want to point out these elements. Arthur is always a paranoid, frenetic, madman. Bonnie has been woven into this season and everything has been building to this moment. The scene with the garotte and Bonnie winning the match – that’s how you do payoff.

Before we move on, I’m focusing on Alfie’s story a lot more later, so I’m skipping over that particular scene for the moment.

I loved the scene in the loos. It was funny, it was an accurate depiction of the politics and preening that goes on, the interplay between the women was indulgent. We got exposition, we got characterisation, we got costumes that made me salivate. More of all of this please.

I’m assuming that Linda is going to get a bigger role in Season 5 – the focus on her descent into Shelby Ladyhood, and the mentions of her past and family (especially her mother) seems to point that way. Which, I for one would enjoy. I think Linda gets a lot of hate because she’s written to. She’s portrayed as the shrew who tore poor little rabid dog Arthur away and leashed him up. I don’t think their relationship is completely healthy, I think there’s co-dependence issues there. But the way I’ve seen her described in fandom is eye-rolling to an extent that I physically injured myself on at least three occasions. So, please, give me more of her as a character and less as a caricature.

I’m so upset that Tommy would lie to Finn about Arthur being dead. Finn, the baby of the family, who wasn’t in the war, and doesn’t think and feel the way they do, was lied to about his brother dying just months after his other brother died. I think it’s sick emotional manipulation and unconscionable on Tommy’s part. If you can’t trust Finn, don’t bring him near the business. You can’t have it both ways. Either he’s in and you bring him in, or you don’t, and he needs to leave. I understand keeping the circle small, but they’ve just learned with the ‘don’t tell Michael about the plan’ plan that it doesn’t really work, and you just end up causing more problems.

Tommy has no consideration for people’s emotions or their state as beings of their own. They’re players to him, pieces on a board, and he’ll move them how he wants. He gets to make all the decisions, they don’t have any real input, and they have no ability to decide if they want to accept the consequences or not, because they’re already five steps deep in the process by the time they learn about it.

Side note: I’m bored of all the plans being made off screen and magically revealed to us later. If you’ve seen the really good video essay about why Sherlock is shitty for doing this, that’s the basis of my argument. It’s not smart or exciting to say ah! Got you! When I never had a chance to work it out in the first place. It’s just kind of lazy and boring.

Also, Tommy lied to a pregnant woman and caused her great distress, so that’s nice.

I cannot believe this is the first proper scene with Isaiah we get, because opening car doors and skulking in the background doesn’t count. Jordan Bolger is a great actor who brings so much to the character and they continually waste him. Isaiah could be so much more – he’s a black, working class kid, with a preacher for a father, in a crime family, and all he gets is a two-minute scene where he’s a bystander to Finn’s character development. Give me his struggle, give me him working through the moral conflicts – even the times they’ve just shown him to be a young lad being a young lad it’s been great, give us more. I assumed with the including of him in the heist plot that he would be stepping up into actual business, but they seem to have abandoned that idea and it’s disappointing. He can firmly join the ‘they deserve better’ club.

Finn should be left to be smol and soft, those are my complete thoughts.

Also, Tommy terrifies and holds hostage a whole room of innocent people as a charade because he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s feelings or autonomy any longer than they are useful to him.

Also, I love Goliath and I’m sad that with Alfie gone we’re probably not going to see anymore of him, my big son, I loved you while I had you.

-

We move away from the boxing scenes and get Arthur’s ‘funeral’.

I will say, I bloody love the wagons and wish my alternate theory that the Shelby’s did in fact lose everything to Luca and have to start from scratch could have happened because they were would have got more shots of them being ethereal in the forest somewhere surrounded by beautiful woodwork a la the Polly/Abbey scenes, but alas…we get this instead.

The shot of the empty room and the fireplace was beautiful, and poignant, and I’m gonna give them that.

Also, was that Karl? Thank fuck if it was because I had assumed Ada had abandoned him in the states somewhere for all we’ve seen/heard of him so far. It’s not as if any of the children are seen to be particularly important or have any type of characterisation of their own though so why am I surprised?

-

The way that Tommy treats Michael is ridiculous. You can’t complain about Michael keeping something back from you when you are lying to him about the exact same thing. I am so heartened by Michael saying, ‘I chose my mum’ because it not only shows that Michael isn’t Tommy Jr after all, but also that there’s a chance that the new generation will succeed the old guard after all and that this won’t just carry on forever.

Also, if Tommy can’t trust Michael with his life of all things, why would he trust him to handle the American business alone? How ridiculous. If I think someone was willing to screw me over in a double-cross that led to my death, I wouldn’t hand them the key to my secondary kingdom. Sense – this makes none.

-

Audrey Changretta turning up at the funeral like the badass she is and I’m so sad that her whole life has been torn apart in order to make Tommy Shelby look like a big man. Honestly, if you ask me, the Shelbys should have lost. Luca should have won. It would have made more sense, and provided such great material for next season.

The Shelby’s, having lost everything and become the people they used to rule, must fight to get back to the top. It should have been everything this season was meant to be, getting back to their roots, scrapping again. It would have provided stakes again. They need to be taken down a few pegs. If I know that Tommy is just going to fix everything off screen at the end anyway and everything turns out the same, then why am I wasting my time?

But that’s what the show has become. It started off as an interesting look at the moral complexities of the family, how they worked together, struggling to be something other than what they were destined for by the people who consistently maligned them. Now it’s a show about how amazing Tommy Shelby is. But the only way they’ve made Tommy Shelby great, is by making everyone else an idiot.

Tommy is a 4D chess-master, but only because no else knows where the table is being kept.

Luca Changretta was introduced as what should have been the most terrifying antagonist yet. And they turned him into an idiot. Luca Changretta, mob boss, doesn’t know to leave men behind to keep an eye on the kingdom? Bullshit.

I understand that Tommy is the main guy and has plot armour, but he doesn’t need to be the centre of the universe to be compelling as a character. This guy has manipulated Churchill and the king, got a city, a country, and an empire revolving around him, been given an OBE and now is an MP. But he can’t count two steps in front of himself and predict that killing a mob boss’ father might bring the mob down on him? He never really sees the consequences of his actions. His wife dying didn’t change him as a person, he just got meaner. His brother dying didn’t change him as a person, he just got reckless. I need a little bit more.

Alfie is such a beloved character not just because Tom Hardy plays him so well, not just because he belts out hilarious nonsense like a slightly faulty spitfire, but because he’s a match for Tommy. A much-needed match. He can go toe-to-toe with him, hell, even half the time get one over on him. He tells it straight when he knows Tommy needs it, and he doesn’t take his bullshit. He’s a breath of fresh air in a show that wants to convince us the literal world (or at least the empire, and America, and the political-social climate of the period, and every woman in sights life) revolves around Thomas Shelby.

Even add Campbell to that pile. He was a shit show. He was disgusting. He was mildly inept at times. But he was menacing. He had political connections. You knew he was the guy they sent out to do the work that everyone turned an eye to, and how much damage he could cause without official recompense. But in the end, it wasn’t Grand Master Tommy who got him – it was Grace, and then Polly. Hell hath no fury like women scorned, and the beauty came so much more from the fact that it wasn’t the person who he perceived as his adversary that ended up doing him in. Someone he trusted, and someone he abused, doing what needed to be done. The priest last season was menacing because of the same, and in the end, it wasn’t Tommy that brought him down, it was Michael. It meant something because it was Michael.

I don’t see how killing Luca makes sense except it as a way to make Tommy look good and have the big Arthur reveal, which was bullshit anyway. There was little pay off there.

-

And Alfie. Oh, sweet love, Alfie. So, not only do they take what is pretty much the most beloved character in the fandom, even casuals love the shit out of this man, and dispatch of him like a secondary mop up, but they do it in such a shitty way.

When the spoilers came out about Alfie’s cancer I had a personal reflexive ‘well fuck off with that’ having just lost someone irl to a long and messy cancer battle, so mainly I pushed it away and thought ‘ah, that won’t get dealt with yet, they’ve done nothing about it for season upon season, it’s probably just internal backstory bullshit’. Nope.

Alfie has been chronically underused in this show, and I understand it. I think the rare glimpses we get are so powerful that it makes sense. It’s Christmas Day. It’s an island in the sea of winter, and the anticipation’s half the fun. You get presents every day, and you’re just going to turn out to be a spoiled brat. But we spend seasons adoring this guy who lives in the damn shadows, scrapping together parts of his life so that we can better understand him, only to be fed a massive plot point as an offhand spoiler and then have the entire thing resolved in what felt like 20 minutes? There was no anticipation. There were no stakes. There was no payoff. I was just…sighing, mostly.

I knew when he started talking about Margate that I was about to be emotionally ruined, but I expected at least to get a fitting end. But no. We got Alfie screwing Tommy over again in a predictable but fucking useless way. We got Tommy shooting him on a beach and walking away. And that was it.

-

I think the Tommy breakdown scenes would have had a bigger impact on me two seasons ago when I still had care for his character, but I just used the time to check my messages, so it didn’t really land with me tbh. The whole last segment of this ep just flew over me.

The malignment of Jessie Eden’s character will likely get a post of its own soon. Except I am going to say here that I’m entirely sure that what Tommy is doing counts as sexual assault – see the case of the woman who had a child with someone she didn’t know was an undercover agent in her what I think was also Communist action group, and also the new laws that stop undercover people from sleeping with those they are surveying. Because you can’t give informed consent. But they’re probably not going to address that, because we have a love triangle to deal with now.

Also, Tommy abandoned a dog and tampered with an election so he’s everyone I hate now. You don’t come for the animals or the democratic process. Taking inspiration from my dear love, Alfie Solomons, what a fucking cunt.

But besides that, it was fine.

[tiemeupspidey]

Dog Mom Life- Prank War

Relationship: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: The Reader and Tom are having a prank war.. let’s just say Tom is in for some trouble.

Warnings: Swearing cause I swear IRL and so does Tom. Cute/ funny

Word Count: 1,500

A/N: I saw Spider-Man Homecoming again tonight :,) Inspired by Tom & Harry’s prank video I saw on Youtube lol.

[Tom’s POV]

“So how’s the prank war going,I heard your wife is in the lead?” The Interviewer asks repositioning himself in the chair.He had a grin on his face waiting for my answer. I knew this question was going to pop up.

“She is… Last week she glues my hand to my script which luckily was just the last page.. as you probably heard she drew a realistic spider on the toilet roll causing me to scream, trip , and fall into our shower…” I admit laughing in embarrassment.

“You actually fell for it even while knowing you’re in a prank war with her?” he laughs shuffling his cards.

“It looked so real! Mate, if you were in my situation and scared of spiders like me you would understand!” The memory of the spider made a shiver run down my spine. My laughter gets cut off by my phone ringing. Apologizing to the staff I answer it holding my phone away from my face. I normally ignore my mom’s calls but it’s my wife and I love her and her beautiful face.

“Hello Darling , how are you?” I smile but internally scared by her angry face in the screen.

“Thomas Stanley Holland… YOU SWITCHED MY OREOS FILLING WITH TOOTHPASTE?!” Her voice making me shrink back in my chair. Fuck. She’s hangry, pregnant and hormonal. I knew this prank was risky.

“You’re not getting anything from me this weekend when you come back home, not even the special thing you like eith- please tell me you didn’t answer this in an interview” I laugh out loud as her cheeks turn pink. The sound of the crew and the interviewers laughter makes her eyes widen.

“Yes love, we were just on the subject of the prank war..”

“Well Thomas you’re going to regret messing with my oreos..” Her middle finger is the last thing I see before the line goes off.

“Fuck” I groan tilting my head back my eyes widening when I realized I swore,looking over at the camera.

“I’m sorry Sony” but on the inside I’m screaming FUCK ME I’M SCREWED WHEN I GET HOME.

“What am I saying, I’m a Brit and I swear a lot.. They can’t be mad I made my pregnant wife angry” I nervously laugh looking to the side.God this is going to be a long day, I’m so nervous to go back home now.

-

[Reader’s POV]

“At least you got the video of him falling into the shower, he just knows you have the picture”Zendaya laughs clapping her hands together.

“Today he answered his phone and then I got mad at him cause he messed with my Oreos and then I said he wouldn’t get anything from me and not even the special thing he likes then I realized he was in an interview because of all the Spider-Man backgrounds.. “

“YOU’RE KIDDING ME”  her face drops completely her laughter ending. I wish I was kidding,yet I wasn’t. Now I’m going to become a meme with Tom’s fans I know it. Their memes are floating around the internet as we speak.

“Yes, and he had me on FaceTime while he was in an interview” I groan as I burry my face in my hands. All I heard was Zendaya’s laughter fill the air. Her laughter was a great sound but it sucked hearing it you were still so embarrassed.

“Girl, don’t stress out you’ll harm my future Godbaby out.. That just means you have to get him back so badly he will want a truce” She grins mischievously quirking an eyebrow up. God her eyebrows were threaded by Aphrodite herself.

“Well I did have a plan for him when he get’s home, maybe it will be bad enough for him to end it.” I sigh adjusting the screen of my phone. Zendaya was currently sitting in her hotel room and was bored. The two of you becoming close and picking on Tom was fun for the two of you.

“What do you have planned for him?”

“Well I was going to do something with his hair gel but I love his curls too much to put glue in the gel..”

“Okay well I have an idea since you mentioned glue.. it will be one sticky situation he can’t get away with now listen closely” Reaching over I grab a piece of paper and a pen.

“Ready, Okay let’s get started”

-

-

-

“Darling, I’m home!”

“Hey baby, how was the rest of the day?” I ask chopping up some carrots, the knife going down harder hearing his voice.

“Uh.. darling please be careful with the knife.. you could hurt yourse-” Stabbing the knife into cutting board, Tom flinches from the sound taking a step back. Hormonal,pregnant and a knife.. Not a good combination.

“Alrighty then.. I’m just going to go to the bathroom and probably have a scroll through instagram while you cool down darling..” He backs away out of the kitchen slowly.

“Hold on, I have to pick up something I spilled in the basin” I walk towards the bathroom making sure I had the thing Zendaya told me to get. Once inside I fix up the bathroom getting everything settled.    Leaving the bathroom with my items I let him in. Tom presses a kiss against my forehead before walking past me. “Tessa , come here love” I call out setting her dish onto the floor. Grabbing the baby book I was reading earlier in the day. I make my way to the couch and sit down setting it aside.  

Opening up my camera I press record waiting for him to realize and finally I hear Tom shout.“GOD DAMMIT, WHAT THE FUCK… SERIOUSLY BABE?!”

Paybacks a bitch isn’t it...

“YOU GLUED ME DOWN?! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!”

Laughter is pouring out of you as you walk over to the bathroom. Tom being an idiot and not locking it you walk in. He covers himself groaning loudly a grin on your face. “Can we please have a truce.. I give up CAUSE MY ASS IS GLUED TO THE SEAT!”

“So does that mean I’ve won the war?” I ask peeking from behind the camera. A huge grin was plastered on my face. He glares grabbing a strip of toilet paper from the roll.

“I Tom Holland, surrender to the Prank War Queen, now get me the fuck off babe!” He waves the toilet paper strip like a flag. He uses his shirt to cover himself on the camera.

“Okay baby, let me get the nail polish remover” Pressing end on the video I set my phone on the counter.

“God you’re lucky I love you” He looks at you with a loving smile that melts your heart.

“More than yesterday?” I ask tilting my head to the side holding up the bottle of nail polish remover.

“Yes I love your more, more, more than yesterday, now get me off of here… I can feel my unborn child judging me from inside you”  he pleads as you open the cap grabbing cotton balls.

“You better not fuck with my oreos again Thomas Holland..” My voice stern as I rub the soaked cotton ball on the skin connected on the seat.

“I promise not to touch the oreos darling.. I risked the war with fucking up the oreos..” He sighs as you work at separating his skin.

“How much glue did you put on here?”

“I don’t know! Zendaya said to use a lot because you have a “thick ass”  I say throwing up quotation marks.

“My ass isn’t stupid, it’s a nice ass!” he defends crossing his arms over his chest. Rolling your eyes you finish the left side moving to the right.

“I know your ass isn’t stupid babe, it’s an American term.. In terms it means you have a big ass” I laugh getting another cotton ball throwing the other one away.

“I love you darling, even when we do crazy shit like this” You feel his lips press against the back of your head.

  The moment he got free he stood pulling his pants up. Remnants of glue still stuck to his ass and legs making me  laugh. The glare he sent my way silenced me right away. Tom picks up a bag from the dining room table handing it to me. Opening it up was a new package of Oreos calling your name.

“I love you so much, thank you” I pull him by his shirt pressing my lips against his.

“More than yesterday?” he mumbles against your lips. Breaking apart I nod my head up at him cupping his cheek with my free hand.

You loved this man just as much as the Oreos you were holding.

[ruffoverthinksthings]

Alysane-Mormont’s Questions About The Isle, Answered

@alysane-mormont

tumblr is being stupid and won’t let me reblog. Anyway, *cracks knuckles* let’s do this.

1. The involvement of Auradon in the Isle.  How much do they have? Are the housing and money controlled?  Do the villains have to pay for to live on the isle?  Are they assigned jobs and such?

Auradon was involved in the construction of the initial buildings, the creation of the islands it stands on (presumably using the leftover land from the moving of the original states, like dead zones used as buffers while they fused them together), and of course, imprisoning/resurrecting all the villains, their minions, and other criminals there.

They have no control AGU (After Great Uniting), nor do they want to; all of the Islanders are basically left to their own devices.

No, the Villains don’t need to pay. It’s a prison, you don’t pay for your own accommodations. Whatever Auradon Silver Dollars are currently circulating among them are the same Auradon Silver Dollars they were given 20 years ago, save a couple hundred lost to damage or carelessness, so at least inflation is non-existent and steadily dropping.

They might have been once upon a time, but whatever infrastructure Auradon left them behind has long been destroyed, abused, or stolen and broken beyond use.

2. Food.  Where are they getting their food on the island? The Isle doesn’t seem to be big enough to grow enough food for the entire island.  Are they getting food delivered from the island?

They get most of their food from the trash barges that Auradon sends over. The Isle of the Lost is literally their dump, and because Auradonians are so wasteful, they throw almost to entire packs of perfectly good food in there, or toss bread as soon as it gets a day old, or stale.

They ARE growing, hunting, and catching food, but just barely. You can see in Descendants 2 that Harry collects /steals some fish from a girl fishing by the dock, and delivers it to one of Ursula’s staff at the Fish and Chips.

Aside from fish and shellfish, they eat rats, wild dogs, insects like cockroaches, and the occasional alligator if the population gets too big and starts crawling up off the beach and snacking on them.

3. Government.  Maleficent is in charge, but what does that mean?  That she chuckles evilly, and says she is? Does she have a council, is it EQ, Jafar, and Cruella?  A lot of the problems on the Isle could be solved by a good government not run by a fairy made of ham and anger, a former vizar not giving advice, a woman who probably spent all my kingdoms money on botax, and a clearly unhinged puppy killer.

Maleficent has an army of thugs that keep her fed, in the lap of Isle luxury, and from anyone trying to rise up and overthrow her. Otherwise, she leaves everyone to their own devices unless she needs someone specifically for whatever reason, and has lieutenants doing the business of keeping things in some semblance of order to try and minimize violent revolts.

As the saying goes, “I have minions for that.”

Evil Queen, Jafar, and Cruella are her fellow power players, or more likely, enemies she tolerates keeping closer than others.

Yes, a lot of their problems CAN be solved by Good Government, but like any IRL government, there needs to be support from the people, the administration, and someone willing to pay for it. It is NOT in Maleficent’s interest to have a fair, egalitarian government where she isn’t getting the lion’s share, nor will she dedicate precious resources towards creating one, nor do the majority of the population have the capability or the desire of working together to overthrow her and make something better.

The issue is, even if they hypothetically defeat Maleficent, they start fighting among themselves for who gets to sit at the highest seat and lord over everyone else and get the lion’s share, and unlike majority of the population, Maleficent is immortal, immune to sickness, does not need to eat, sleep, nor go to the bathroom.

There were a LOT of rebellions and their members who were done in by poison and sickness through the abuse of the Isle’s unsanitary conditions, starved or dehydrated to death or submission, or quite literally went down the toilet, along with the bodies of the rebels themselves.

4.  Business.  How does any, non food, business stay in business?  No one pays for anything.  They probably only pay for food cause that shit would be a lot harder to steal cause see #2.

They fish, they try to farm, they get their ingredients from the trash barges. People frequently steal, yes, but the proprietors ALSO rip off and steal from their customers, which gives new meaning to the sign “Please don’t leave your valuables unattended.” That aside, certain establishments like Ursula’s Fish and Chips are a reliable enough source of food that people will pay for the convenience—better lighter several silver dollars, than with several new bumps on your head and lacerations beside.

That aside, Harry Hook makes a real killing as security, alongside being a “tax” collector.

5. Why was Mal and the others in charge?  This one is probably due to me not yet reading the prequels, but they never seem to go beyond bullies.

Like Ben or the other royals: birth. In Descendants, who your parents or ancestors were is EVERYTHING.

6. Population.  Auradon is clearly okay with the Villains reproducing, so what happens in a generation or two when they grow to big for the Isle?  Leave them and let the Isle fall farther into poverty then it already is?

They let them overcrowd and deal with it themselves, and will probably not care about the hell that happens, the food riots, and the more… drastic measures they take once space and resources get non-existent.

7.  Who gets put on the isle? The major villains, sure obviously.  But what about their henchmen?  Are they guilty by association, and for doing their jobs?

All criminals, from highwaymen, buccaneers, thieving traveling showmen and women, evil sorcerers, larcenous prostitutes, corrupt businessmen, shady tax collectors, gang enforcers and extortionists, you name it.

They’re guilty by association, though I assume some have been given consideration, like Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

8. How canon are the sequels?  Are they ALL noncanon, some? Peter Pan 2 and Rescuers 2 were in theaters, so do they count? I like to think based on D2, that Cinderella III is canon.

All sequels are non-canon, as are the animated series. I don’t consider this true for my headcanons, as all the sequels and animated series’ add so much more to the series.

9. Which actual non-sequel Disney princess movies count?  The Black Cauldron obviously, but what about like Lilo and Stitch or Atlantis?

Lilo and Stitch and Atlantis are presumed not included, until further notice. This can be evidenced by the lack of aliens, or that of flying vehicles.

10.  Why didn’t any of the Villains hook up.  TV Tropes taught me that Frollo x Gothel have a following. and Maleficent and Evil Queen might be a thing.  Why don’t they have more inter-dating, why are they all single parents?

Because the power of Shipping is one thing, actually compatible personalities for a long-term relationship that lasts enough for procreation is another. Generally speaking, you’re asking TWO paranoid, selfish, violent, and narcissistic beings to try and compromise, have empathy for another person, and show some semblance of love or care for them to be willing to have sex with them, among other things.

Even if ONE of them is willing to make it work, go google see “I Dated A Narcissist” to see how well that goes.

All of the VKs parents are presumed minor henchmen and non-notable villains, dead, or purposefully forgotten after they got the known parent pregnant/bore them children, such as Mal’s dad, “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-In-Front-Of-Maleficent” or “Nameless,” for short.

11.  Poor Claudine.  Who the hell let Frollo have a kid, a daughter no less.  If HoND taught us anything it’s you don’t need love to be happy, but another thing was don’t allow Frollo need woman or children.  And he has one.  Someone tell me Claudine is living with someone better like the Horned King or something.

Auradon did, by virtue of not caring in the slightest, and the Islanders did also, by not caring what the fuck the crazy, lecherous, delusional, self-righteous preacher does, and what poor unfortunate soul lets themselves be taken in by his silver words, or finds themselves in such desperate conditions he’s the better option.

No, Claudine is living in Frollo’s decrepit church. She rings Dragon Hall’s bell-tower, as well as that of her father’s church/her home.

12. What do you lose when you go to the Isle?  Jafar isn’t in genie form anymore, but Ursula has tentacles.  Is the Horned King still the master of my nightmares?

Everything, basically, except for the clothes on your back—even your family name and all associations are removed, as a character like Dizzy Tremaine is referred to as “Dizzy of the Isle.”

Ursula still has tentacles because she was born that way. It’s an inherent part of her being, while Jafar was changed from a human into a genie. The Horned King has presumably lost that job, or someone much kinder has taken care of it.

13. Why weren’t the children removed at birth?  Disregarding the fact that they were all growing up in abusive situations, why would you allow Villains to bred a future generation of children to be villains?

BECAUSE AURADON DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT VILLAINS, OTHER THAN THEM BEING IMPRISONED AND FAR AWAY FROM THEM, OUT OF SIGHT, AND OUT OF MIND. Think of Auradon as basically every ass-backwards, heavily conservative Southern USA state you can think of that still thinks flying the Confederate flag is a good idea, and a thing of pride.

14.  Who they hell thought this was a good idea?  Lock all the villains on isle, bring them back to life if you have to? They should hope they barrier doesn’t fall cause you have a whole lot of people who can use magic and are angry at you. Chernabog is probably in there, Hades and the Titans, the Horned King, all people who can destroy everything. If you wanted to make the villains suffer, they should have been put in custom made prison, like the Red Lotus in Legend of Korra. The entire Isle is a ticking time bomb that could destroy Auradon.

Majority of the population and a good deal of the Royals. Please remember: most of these states came from Western Europe in the Medieval Ages, where the public beheading of criminals was an event that parents willingly brought their kids to see. They are from cruel, vicious, vengeful times where the Miranda Rights, the Geneva Convention, or what we know as the right way to deal with criminals—treat them humanely, then reintegrate them into society—has yet to even be considered an idea, or worse yet, treated as blasphemy of the highest order.

To them, if you do “evil,” you deserve evil in return, and kindness is reserved for those that “deserve�� kindness.

The Auradonians are also very vengeful people who hold serious grudges. They like to think of themselves as the “absolute Good” people which is how they justify their evil actions—they wouldn’t be in Auradon if they were capable of doing “bad” things, now, wouldn’t they?

Think of it as how Frollo justified setting the entire city of London on fire and murdering countless Romani people in cold blood—he is the Judge, he is the Symbol of Good, therefore all his actions are Justified and Right.

Yes, they better hope that barrier stays up, as Maleficent damn near screwed over the entire kingdom if Mal and the others hadn’t fought her.

All those deities are there, but they’re severely depowered. It’ll take a while or an explicitly magical artifact like Maleficent’s staff, which hasn’t been drained entirely, for them to be able to wreak havoc again. It’s why Fairy Godmother’s wand is so highly sought after.

This entire realm is a ticking time bomb. On the one hand, you have the Isle, on the other, you have the systematic oppression of minority classes like the Fae with the magic ban, the dwarves being used as slave labour, and “animal rights” being limited to “you do all our household chores for us, and you get nothing in compensation.”

Not even Pongo and Perdita are given a scholarship or any sort of support for their 101 children, now ready to go to college, and Ben is only beginning to redress their grievances.

Beast ran this country by yelling, stomping his feet, and bullying everyone into following whatever HE wanted to do, damn principles like compromise, empathy, or sanity, and only now are we seeing how bad of an idea that is, and the majority of the Royals are too busy having tea parties and the commoners fawning over 24 hours news coverage of how pretty they are and the dresses they are wearing to even care about the impending collapse of their unsustainable and unjust society.

In case it wasn’t obvious, Disney’s attempt to make a series that shows that there is no Pure Evil or Pure Good made their most horrifying Dystopia yet.

[dearmyjimin]

i want to say that you should write a fic that you yourself would read. there's no point catering to people's specific preferences, because there's always someone who is going to disagree with how you've done something. as long as everything is properly tagged and isn't problematic (racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/includes underage idols) then write how you want to write :) xx

Thank you ;~; I will definitely take note of these because well a fic takes longer time than graphics and you’d certainly not want people to hate your hardwork.. but yup ofc the tags and stuff would be very important since the fandom has minors and we wouldn’t want them to learn the wrong things!

Anonymous said: for your writing thing; I think you could take a look arnd inktaes kind of angst? she’s very good at it 👌

oh!!! ok i’ll take a look, does she write on tumblr or on AO3?

Anonymous said: hi! about your incest question, although fiction is fiction, if its about real people, i really wouldn’t write about incest, because its just disrespectful? Like i wouldn’t want that kind of thing linked to my name, even if its just fanfiction. But thats just my personal opinion - Hope this helps! :D

You’re being very kind about this ^^/ thank you! And yeah another anon was talking about this too, like jimin and his real bro would be gross, but taehyung and jimin written as brothers is still acceptable since they aren’t brothers in real life. I’ll take your opinion into consideration because yeah I have siblings too and i shudder thinking about it as well! So, I get what you mean !!

Anonymous said: oh but i don’t think rape scenes should ever be written in a fic involving real people!!!!!

Ooh!! Okay yup I’ll take note of this!! I’ve not written about that before and I don’t think I would write about it anytime soon… ^^

Anonymous said: i think incest is a really complicated topic ;; i would say it’s not ok if it involves real people and their real siblings, but if it’s fictional characters or two real people just written as brothers for the story it’s more ok. and for stuff like rape, i think if you’re going to write it it needs to be written in a very sensitive way, if that makes any sense… and ofc everything needs to be tagged appropriately

yup i agree, its super complicated and sensitive to talk about ;; yup another anon brought up the same point as you, about real siblings (no, no!) and two real people who aren’t siblings irl (still ok). And yeah no, I doubt I will write stuff about rape tbh I don’t have any fic ideas about it too. Thanks for letting me know how you feel! ^^

Anonymous said: Please don’t :/

Okay ^^;

Anonymous said: Please don’t fucking write something like that, that’s disgusting…

I was just asking around for opinions !!

Anonymous said: Hmm, I think fanfiction with incest/incestuous themes is okay, as long as the characters are not blood relatives in real life and the proper warnings are given. For example, I think it would be okay to write about vmin in an incestuous relationship, but it would not be okay, at all, to write about a bts member (or whoever) in an incestuous relationship with their blood relative in real life.

Yup someone else said the same thing as you, which seems to be the general consensus. Thanks for letting me know!!! ^^

Anonymous said: I think the (my) problem with incest is that I always want a happy ending in fic (and stories in general) but I don’t want brothers to end up together, so that clashes, you know? And yeah, rape should totally not be a thing, at least not portrayed in a good light!

Oh yeah… I doubt fics with incestuous themes will have a happy ending, it’s more like portraying a character undergoing that huge emotional turmoil of thinking about something so wrong and immoral…. and yup rape shouldn’t never be portrayed in a good light ;~;

Anonymous said: If they’re just step-siblings, only bound by their parent’s marriage/relationship, then it’s not incest. So, the step-siblings could have a relationship if they want, but it’s not going to be pleasant or “cute” in my book.

Yup that’s kinda true, like if character A was introduced/adopted at a young age and has absolutely no blood-relation to character B, maybe it will be more acceptable i guess? But another anon was saying how its still weird because they have step-siblings they grew up with, so i’m still trying to get more opinions from ARMYs ^^;;

Anonymous said:  (I’m “since it’s fiction” anon) What I mean is that I think it’s ok to occur in fiction but not in a way where it can be misinterpreted as something ideal/desireable because incest is prohibited in so many countries and it can also lead to genetic disorders if were to get pregnant and if it’s with someone before or during puberty it actually counts as sexual assault towards children which is one of the most damaging traumas for kids to experience, so no thank you and no no for young people 2read

Yup ok, agreed! incest cannot be glamourised as something ideal and desirable and the author must be responsible to craft the story in a way that still frowns upon this. And yup I get the the prohibition and the genetic disorders part and yeah :/ we wouldn’t children and minors to think its ok. Got it, i’ll take note of your opinion!! Thanks for letting me know!

Anonymous said: like i don’t think it’s appropriate or morally right to write about minors in a sexual manner especially if they’re real people. like a lot of people write about jungkook before he was legal and even when he became legal it was almost like people were waiting for that so they could write smut about him. another would be r*pe but I also understand that there are ways to write r*pe without glamorizing the act.

Oh my .. yikes… :O yeah especially when the fandom is growing and we have young people with us, we need to be extremely careful ;;

Anonymous said: Mmmm incest is abusive and traumatizing to people esp when it happens to kids so to write it in a fic you’d have to be super careful if ur gonna make it angst or just.. not write it at all lmao bc most incest fics I feel like just romanticize it and make it gross. Why would someone want to write about such a topic

Hmmm if I guess people write it between, let’s say, two BTS members, the author perhaps just wants to write about forbidden love because yeah we all know such love isn’t possible. But I’m not too sure though.. it’s just a guess on my part. From the opinions given I think it’s more like people are sorta ok if the two characters are not brothers in real life.

Anonymous said: Does a threesome with two brothers/sisters count as incest? 🤔

For me, I will classify it as incest! 

Anonymous said: I would read it if it was stepbrothers, but blood related might be a bit too out of the social norms for me 😬

Okay ^^ noted!! 

Anonymous said: (i hope its not too late to tell u this??? lol) as long as you dont encourage themes like rape, incest, etc and dont write about real people in such situations i guess its fine

Hmm nope it’s not too late to tell me this :) And yeah nope i was just thinking about the idea of writing it in a fic and was just wondering how people would feel about it! Yup other anons were saying that writing about real people is a big no no and it shouldn’t be encouraged, which i agree too!